


The Great Coincidence

by KnightofHell_Cami



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Castiel, Character Development, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Top Dean Winchester, destiel au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-03 08:29:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 56,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2844590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightofHell_Cami/pseuds/KnightofHell_Cami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What starts all as one bad pairing soon turns into something more, leaving a trail of coincidences in its wake, maybe small, but forever imprinted, and always there, giving a new piece of endlessly to the universe and to the college student's lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Great Coincidence

"Dean, it'll be fine." 

"Sammy, this is college for god sakes! Stanford!" Dean said while walking through the halls, bags in his hands. They had both gotten seperate dorms and had a random roommate that they had to live with. Sam got this kid named Gabriel and had already met him, along with set up his stuff with the help of Dean. Now it was Dean's turn to do so.

"What if he's a psycho killer, Sammy?"   
"Dean, he will not be a psycho killer."  
"You don't know that for sure."  
"Dean, you are 23 years old. Toughen up."  
"Fine, fine."

They unlocked the door to see a black-haired boy with touseled hair, sticking up in every direction sitting on his bed.

"Sammy, he looks weird."

"Well, have fun, you two." And then Sam was off, leaving him in panic with his new roommate. 

"Name's Dean Winchester." He said as he slipped passed the weird-looking man and set his bags down on his bed. "Castiel Novak." His voice was a bit lower than Dean had expected, but not to the point where his eyes widened at the sound. "How long have you been at Stanford?" Dean asked. "This is my second year." Castiel said as he chewed on a Twizzler.

"Cool." Was Dean's simple reply.

"What do you study?"

"English and art. Though, history is nice."

"Awesome."

"You?"

"Phsycology and art."

"That's cool."

Yep. This guy was totally weird.

 


	2. Reasonable Promises

"Do you want me to show you around or something?" Castiel questioned, a sigh freeing from his lips. He had never really had any friends at this school, and the roommate he had last year was a douche. His name was Balthazar, and he wore V-necks. 

Castiel hates V-necks.

Never knew why, but he did.

_Anyways._

"Nah, I can find my way around. Thanks, though. Just uh, keep your space, okay, dude? This is my side of the room. That's yours. Don't be crawling up in my bed just for the fun of it." Dean said, and Castiel nodded. That was reasonable. 

"You can call me Cas." He mentioned after a few moments of aching, awkward silence. "Well then, Cas. Stay away from me." 

That one hurt.

But Cas nodded still, and his blue eyes narrowed at Dean's green ones, and that's when he thought,  _green eyes like poison._ He didn't know why he had thought such a hateful thing, but he did. It just happened. And from then on, he didn't like Dean a single bit and Dean didn't like 'Cas' a single bit. Dean knew that Cas was just trying to be kind; to offer him some help, but Dean didn't need help. He was fine on his own. He'd learned that ever since his father had repeatedly left him and Sammy and beat him and Sammy. _  
_

He didn't need Cas.

No, he most definitely did not need, nor want, help from this dorky, black-haired man that just had to be his roommate. 

So Dean put his clothes away in silence, and Cas hated silence because it was always included with an aching awkward, and aching awkwards are hard to deal with, but yet again, Cas didn't speak up because his anxiety prevented himself from doing so. 

So, Cas had already put his clothes away and set up his few posters and laid down on his bed, plugging in headphones and listening to music; Silhouettes by Colony House. That song always cheered him up. He turned it up almost all the way - he didn't like it too high because it would hurt his ears - and closed his eyes, acting like the poison-eyed Dean Winchester was  _not_ in his room, not was he his roommate.

How did it even happen?

Why do they already hate each other?

Because clearly, Dean didn't want to meet Cas in the first place, and clearly, Cas was expecting someone nice this time, and clearly, that was not happening. And Cas thought it was his fault because they had somehow gotten off on the wrong foot, when in reality, it was both their faults and they both knew it, yet clearly, they didn't say anything about that. 

They just went along with hating each other.

\---

"Fuck!"

It was nine AM and they were both late for their classes, and Dean was the one that cursed because he woke up and checked the time, thinking it was only  _at least_ seven AM. 

"Dammit, Cas!"

"I didn't do anything! You were the one who was  _supposed_ to set the alarm!"

"You never told me that!"

They were both hurrying to get dressed and neither of them showered, but they managed to at least smell fine and put on clean clothes. 

"You fucker." Cas said as he picked up his books and put them into his bag before it was slung over his shoulder. "Oh, I'm the fucker? You never told me to set the goddamn alarm and now I'm late for my first class!" 

Cas shook his head, slamming the door as he left for his  _second_ class of the day because he had missed the first one.

What a wonderful way to start off the school year.

It was hot and sticky outside and Dean did not want to go sit in some boring ass lecture only to go to another boring ass lecture and then  _food,_ which might I add, is the best part of Dean's day, then another boring ass lecture, then he had to go see Cas again.

He didn't like Cas, and it seemed as though no one really did.

He noticed that Cas drifted around like those little specks of light you see in sunbeams - unnoticed by most, yet noticed by few, and then eventually, gone. 

And he didn't like his eyes, either.

Goddammit, those eyes made him angry.

They were too blue, like ice, and he didn't like the cold, which caused for an all-in-all hatred for his roommate and those damned eyes. 

And things most definitely did not go well when Cas got back to the dorm because Dean was already there and his eyes-like-ice narrowed at Dean because he did  _not_ want him to be there.

"I'm going to go study at the cafe." Dean said at seeing Cas enter the room.

Oh yeah, that too. Cas was quiet as a church mouse. No one ever  _hears_ him enter a room. They see him, or don't notice him at all. Just like the specks of light in sunbeams. 

And then Dean was off, going to the cafe like he said he was, and Cas was alone. 

Although Cas didn't quite like Dean, he preferred not be alone. He did like to listen to music alone, and study alone, and be with himself, but he doesn't like loneliness, and that, I suppose, is what's beautifully wrong with Cas; the fact that he prefers to be with himself and do things alone, yet he despises loneliness.

Odd.

The humbleness of the cafe was nice to Dean. Everyone was at a quiet level, and the only loud sounds that pierced his ears were the sounds of the register and the noise of one making coffee. He didn't like too much sound, nor too little sound, which he always thought made him sound crazy if he ever told anyone because  he would want to explain it as a beautifully painful thing of his, but then that would be an oxymoron, and no one quite likes oxymoron's.

Not really, no.

So now, in a sense, they were both alone, both in their own little world, away from each other because they wanted to be. 

Away from each other because they both knew they  _needed to be._

Yet Dean went back to the dorm because he had to, eyes whisking past his roommate with haste, un-wanting of his ice-blue gaze. "Don't fucking watch me get undressed." Dean stated firmly, and then Cas was turning away and Dean was taking off his shirt and pants, under the covers of his bed, and pulling out his iPhone..

It was 10 PM by now.

Cas had already done what Dean had just finished doing, and was in the comfort of his own bed, lying away from his rude roommate. 

"I hate you."

"I know. Now shut up and go to sleep. Set the fucking alarm."

 

 And so Cas did just that, setting the alarm and fell asleep in the darkness of their dorm, in the unwanted feeling of hatred for each other, and the aggravating feeling that they had to share a room together.


	3. Unexpected Expectancy

"God, he's just terrible!" Cas exclaimed to Anna, his sister. They were meeting up just to talk, which they do every so often. It's a sibling sort of thing. "Why?" "Oh, you have no idea. His eyes are green like poision, he's rude, and he curses  _so_ much. He forgets to set the alarm all the time and he's so lazy." Cas sighed in defeat. He absolutely despised Dean Winchester.

\---

"Oh my God, guys, he sucks." Dean was sitting at that same cafe, surrounded by Sam and his sister Jo. They were just eating, and Jo happened to be there, so they decided to chat it up a bit. "I don't even want to talk about him. How's your roommate, Sammy?" Dean asked quizzicaly. "He's fine, I guess. He leaves candy wrappers everywhere, he's short, he plays too many pranks on me, and he's annoying. I mean, he's funny, and it's not like I hate him like you hate this Castiel dude." Sam agreed, and Dean nodded.

"Yeah. He sucks."

\---

"How's Michael? How's Hannah?" Cas asked. He hadn't seen his other siblings in quite some time, though, really, he didn't miss Michael much. He was the oldest of all of them, and managed to boss everyone around. He got a job as some fancy lawyer in New York. And Hannah, though, she was the youngest, and was reckless. She never thought about what she would do, and it always got onto Cas' nerves, but he managed.

He was the middle sibling.

The middle sibling is always the most behaved, because they learn  _not_ to be like the youngest, and  _definitely not_ like the oldest. Because the youngest was annoying and the oldest was the suck-up, and Anna was the bsaic, annoying, rude, gossipy, siblings.

Cas was the faller.

Cas always felt every family had that one child that didn't exactly make the great.

The one that didn't quite reach for the stars correctly, and fell, right now, on their butt, and couldn't quite get back up again.

So yeah, I suppose Cas was the faller of the family, although he was the most behaved, although he was the one that managed to become better than the rest of his family.

The world is an odd, mean place.

That's probably why Cas was chosen to be the faller.

"Oh, they're good. Hannah got a job at the zoo. Michael is still a big-time lawyer. I've still got the same job as a receptionist. And you, you're doing what now?" Anna explained. "I'm working at the library. It pays well, and I just like books, I guess." Anna nodded and gave a warm smile. "Cool."

\---

"Is Charlie good?" Dean asked over to Jo, and she nodded. "Yeah, she's great. We went to Comic Con together. We were dressed as the girls from Supernatural. The one about the two sisters and an angel that fight monsters. That was really fun." Though, her tone was dull, and her face was blank, so Dean didn't quite believe that she was very happy with Charlie, so he spoke up again. "Are you really good together?" To which Jo responded with "Yeah, totally!"

The girls had begun dating sophomore year of high school, and now, were in their senior year, still dating.

Dean did know that Jo never exactly expressed her words in the way they truly meant to come out, so he didn't press the subject as much as it needed to be.

"You watch the last episode of Game of Thrones?" Dean asked with a grin.

"Yeah, dude! Of course!" Sam and Jo replied. "Tyrion kicked ass!" "I know, right?!" They laughed about it, and kept talking until Sam said he had to go, and then Dean left, and Jo kept on studying.

\---

"Anna, I really gotta go. My class starts in thirty minutes." Cas stated, picking up his bags and standing. Anna nodded. "Have a good day. Don't get into any trouble!" And then Cas left for his class.       

The class was boring. Same old art history. Nothing new, really. They were still on Europe shit, which is what Cas called it for fun, and because it fit.

Cas's final class didn't end until six thirty, to which when he got to his dorm, he plopped down onto his bed, Dean not there, and blasted music just quiet enough so it was only playing throughout his dorm and his dorm only.

He refused to call it 'their' dorm because of how terrible of a person Dean Winchester really was.

His stories of heroics were lies, his tales of girls, girls, girls, were false. He didn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth. Well, aside from those on the line of 'bitch' 'you suck' 'pathetic' and many other insults to him. Cas took each of his words like a man, but then, he did take them to heart, to which point he was quite depressed most of the time.

He didn't know exactly why they had gotten off at such a wrong foot, but they did, and it happened, and it was what was happening, and Cas had nothing to do but go along with it.

When Dean finally got to the dorm around eight, Cas had fallen asleep, music on low. It was play Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie. Dean looked at his sleeping face hesitantly, but didn't turn off the music. It was a nice song, he had to admit, and it was slow enough, and beautiful enough to fall asleep to. 

It wasn't necessarily a love song, and he liked the guitar in it, so he sat down on his bed and just kind of stared at the ceiling. 

He, too, didn't know why they had gotten off on such a wrong foot, and wished he could be friends with him, but knew that would not be happening in the near future. He felt as though Cas just despised him, and would never want to be friends with him - which was untrue. And after pushing those thoughts out of his head and taking off his clothes, Dean laid down in his bed and he may or may not have looked towards Cas and watched him sleep.

Another thing he had to admit, was that he did find Cas' sleeping a rather nice state of his. He looked so peaceful, so beaut-  _oh God, why the fuck am I even thinking of this? He's Cas for God sakes. I'm going to bed._

 ---

It was the weekend, now, and Cas was sitting up in bed at 9:23. 

Dean was asleep.

_Thank God._

He quickly threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, then his shoes, before picking up some books and his laptop, leaving the dorm careful not to wake Dean.

He was going to the cafe - the one Dean went to - the one that was on campus just to study. It was early(ish) in the morning for Cas, at least, it was on the weekends, so it was quiet. The perfect atmosphere for studying and reading. Thus, he put on his headphones on hit the  _Shuffle_ button. 

 _Hell and Back_ by  _The Airborne Toxic Event_ began to play against his ears, and he bobbed his head to the music as he began to read up on the most recent project. He ordered coffee; just a basic vanilla frappachino with soy rather than normal milk, and extra whipped cream. He was picky. 

_And you took me to hell and back,_   
_How many times I walk away from you_   
_My mind's like a one way track_   
_And everyone is taking me back to you_   
_And you tell me just one more time_   
_And you''ll lie like you always do_   
_And I know it well_

_\---_

Dean awoke with a start.

For a moment, he was expecting his father to be next to him, waiting for him to wake up, only to slap him hard across the face, but luckily, that wasn't what happened. 

His eyes fluttered open and he stretching his legs a bit before his body curled and he sat up, eyes hooded, mouth opening into a big yawn. He checked the time. 10:23. He quickly blinked the sleep away from his eyes, and then he was standing, pulling on a random  _Led Zeppelin_ t-shirt and grey sweatpants before grabbing his keys and heading out to get breakfast at the cafe.

And fuck, of  _course_ he was there.

Of all people.

_God dammit._

Though, he seemed very focused, and had large headphones on, so Dean just sat a few seats away from him because he did  _not_ want to get noticed by him. He ordered a basic cappuchino and a bagel, starting his own session of studying and doing assigned homework. 

Eventually, Castiel took a moment to take out his phone and check it.

Anna:  _Cas... he's in the hospital._

_Cas: What?_

_Anna: Michael' s in the hospital._

_Cas: Anna, what the fuck are you talking about?_

_Anna: He got into a car crash. I flew into New York as fast as I could. I doubt you can make it. Hannah is here._

_Cas: Anna, I can't.. tell him I said hi and that I hope he's okay._

_Anna: He said hello. He says he's fine. The doctors say he isn't._

_Cas: How bad is he though?_

_Anna: He has a bunch of broken ribs & he's all bruised and hooked up to the machines. He's barely talking and nurse says he shouldn't waste his energy. _

_Cas: I wish I could be there, but Anna, you know I don't have the $_

_Anna: I know Cas. Hannah's crying. She doesn't think he'll make it. He's really bad, Cas._

_Cas: Give me updates every hour._

_Anna: Okay._

_Cas: Bye._

_Anna: Bye._

"Shit." He muttered to himself, pulling off his headphones and placing them in his backpack. He was teary eyed, and he didn't want to be, but he was, because his brother was dying for God sakes. And Dean had heard his little curse word and looked up, only to shake his head and go back to his project. 

Cas still hadn't noticed him.

He hurried to pack up all his books and his laptop, hurrying to get back to his dorm. He made sure he didn't cry in the car - he read somewhere that crying while driving is more dangerous than drinking and driving, so once he got home, he let it all out.

And two hours later, the door was being opened, and Cas was still crying, and Dean had to pause in his tracks to see that Cas was  _crying_ hard, the worst type of crying; when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. And you're bent over or crouched, tring to suck it in and not make any noise, but it hurts too much to hold it back, so you let out a yelp and a cry. Then comes the loss of breath, which no one likes because not only you're crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing, too.  
He was just a mess.

"Cas.." Dean muttered, and then Cas was throwing a pillow at him, telling him to leave, barking at him in desparation, but Dean just stood there, staring at his tear-filled face with his own set of sad eyes. 

"Cas, you have to breath. You need to calm down, man, come on.." And Dean had dealt with Sam being like this many times, and he had dealt with it himself, so he knew the do's and don'ts of crying that hard. And normally, he would need someone to hold him and tell him it was okay, and he may or may not have wanted to go over and do that to Cas, but he didn't because it was  _Cas._

 _"_ Go away!" Cas just said, and then Dean was still standing there, but then Cas was screaming to himself, hiccuping, and the pillow was a mess of blotches of wet spots from tears and spit and to be honest, snot, that's how bad it was.

"Cas, you gotta let me help you."

"No!"

"Cas.."

"Go!"

So he finally left, and then Cas was alone again, crying, because before, he had gotten a text from Anna.

_Anna: He's gone._

_Hannah: He said he loved you._

_Michael: Bye, little brother._

_\---_

Cas had taken that next Monday off of work to think and honestly, to cry. 

And though, he had to admit, he too, wanted to be cradled and held, but he would never tell Dean that. Or anyone, to say the least. 

But then that Tuesday, when he thought Dean was at his classes, and he was there, alone, crying, the lock opening and the squeaking could be heard then Dean was inside of the dorm, and he didn't know what happened, but Cas' wrists were bloody and Dean's eyes were wide, and he had finally held him, and Cas knew he was getting Dean's shirt wet, and Dean knew that too, but he didn't care.

"Cas, you lost a lot of blood. I'm taking you to the hospital." Dean said after a good two minutes of just holding him there, letting him cry, letting him get it all out. And Cas had bundled Dean's shirt into his hands because he needed something to hold onto for dear life, and his wrists hurt, and he had finally dropped the deep red-tinted razors that he knew would stain the floor. 

Cas didn't know what happened, but suddenly, the room went black and then he was waking up in a foreign place, eyes blinking open, and he was hyperventilating because he didn't know where he was or why he was there.

"Cas, Cas, hey, calm down!" Dean exclaimed, shooting up from his chair to grip his shoulder. Cas' breathing slowly began to steady, and Dean began to explain. "You lost too much blood and blacked out. It was really, bad, Cas."

Cas nodded.

"It was supposed to be bad. Now get away from me. I'm fine on my own."

"No, you're not. If I hadn't been there, you would've killed yourself."

"Yes, that was the intention."

Dean shook his head down to Cas and sighed, sitting himself back down in his chair. 

"I'm staying here no matter what you say."

"You're stubborn."

"I've realized."

Cas let out a shaky breath before Dean spoke up again. "Why'd you do it, though?" Cas shrugged, as if it were nothing. "My brother died. He got into an accident and I wanted to be there, but I wasn't. So, yeah. That's why." Dean's poison green-eyes widened. "That's rough.." Dean posed, slumping in his chair. "No kidding."

They didn't talk much after that, and Cas eventually fell asleep.

Dean managed to stay awake. He would do that a lot with Sam or when he knew his father would be drinking. 

He had stayed awake, though for the most unexpected reason.

For the most unexpected person.

 

 


	4. The Loudness of Silences

Cas didn't wake up for another two days.

The heart-beat monitor got rather annoying, the constant  _beep_ of the machine digging into Dean's ears and eating away at his brain. He eventually had enough of it and left the room to call Sam and tell him where he was.

"Heya, Sammy."  
"Dean, where are you!? You haven't been at your dorm for three days!"  
"I'm at the hospital."  
"Why the fuck are you at the hospital?!"  
"Cas lost a lot of blood. His brother died and he got into a real bad place. I had to take him to the hospital or else he would've died."   
"Oh."  
"Yeah. Oh."  
"Well, man, I gotta get to class. Bye, jerk,"  
"Bye, bitch."

The phoned clicked off and then Dean was walking back into the room to see that Cas was blinking his ice-blue eyes, to which he narrowed them, because he told Dean to leave, but clearly, he hadn't. "Why are you still here? I can take care of myself." Cas sighed, letting his head lean back, glazed over eyes staring up at the white hospital ceiling. "Cas, you weren't takin' care of yourself when you cut your wrists."

"I already told you. That was the intention."

Dean shook his head and sat back down in the chair, a new, more aggravating noise to deal with; Cas' voice.

"I told you, I'm in psychology. Tell me what's going on." Dean said, and Cas chuckled, like it was some sick joke - some sick game. "Oh, pish posh. You want me to  _let it all out_ and  _come to terms_ with what I'm feleing? Hah. Yeah, no. I've already come to the goddamn terms that my  _brother died_ and that you need to get the hell out of this room." Cas stated, and Dean sighed. "Fine." And then Cas was alone again.

He always, always found himself alone in the most inconvenient of times. It frustrates him.

\---

Dean just went to work. He was an intern at this guy Bartholomew's psychology office building. He was an odd man, though tall, blonde, clean-shaven. Very controlling. He didn't like his job much, yet, he needed the money, and it paid quite well for part-time.

He would just take notes for Bartholomew, get him coffee, basic things like that. Nothing too important.

Though, Dean Winchester never really thought himself as important.   
Not really, no.

\---

Cas didn't do much but recover,  
eat, and sleep.

To admit, he was bored. Luckily, Anna came rushing in a few hours after Dean left.

"Oh my god! Cas?! What the hell!?" She exclaimed, confused and worried for her little brother. "Nothing happened. I'm fine, calm down." Cas sighed, taking the fact that he was in the hospital as no big deal.

"Cas, I will not just calm down! You're in the hospital for what? Oh right! You cut your wrists!" "Yeah, I fucking cut my wrists! I lost my big brother, for fuck sake!" Cas slapped his arms down on his sides, and Anna's eyes widened. "You think I haven't realized?! He was my brother, too, Cas!" And then Cas was shaking his head, huffing at his sister, then speaking again once the room when quiet and the ringing in his ears silenced.

"Get out."

"What?"

"I said, get out."

"No."

" _Get out."_

_"No."_

_"Get. Out."_

"You're an asshole." Were Anna's last words before the emptiness of the room became clear again, and the fullness of his own thoughts filled his head to which point he didn't want to think anymore. So many emotions, anger, pain, sadness, and nothing quite seemed to calm down.

Cas wanted to scream.

Though, doesn't everyone, sometimes?

When thoughts get too loud and pains become more apparent and true, everyone needs to scream at some point.

Though, no one ever does, because if you scream, you'll sound stupid, and sounding stupid is shunned. No one wants to be shunned. So, really, no one ever screams. No one ever really wants to scream, though, at the same time, they do, and though, and the same time, they need to.

\---

Now, the dorm was quiet, because Cas was no longer there to argue with Dean, and to be quite honest, silence is not on Dean's top ten list of things he likes, nor things he prefers. But like everyone in this mad, mad world, he managed.

Bela came by.

Oh, Bela Talbot. Good Lord almighty, she was definitely a fine piece of work.

Her teasing manner and joking words always had Dean on edge, and caused for the most heated of sex, clothes being torn off, moans loud, pleads under breaths. He only ever called Bela for the occasional good time, or at least, when he was feeling down.

They had dated in high school, but they were never quite right for each other, and Bela always argued, and Dean wasn't exactly one for serious relationships. So, like I said, it never really worked out.

"Honey, what is it this time?" Bela asked, sitting on Dean's lap, wrapping her legs around his lower torso, and Dean sighed. "Nothing. It's nothing, really. Can we just - just do this? I just really gotta relieve some stress.." And Bela nodded, because she still liked Dean, and hoped to God that he would go back to her. But what she didn't know, was that really, Dean just took advantage of her without realizing. Bela didn't care though. At least she was what she thought was her Dean. Her Dean Winchester.

Though, Dean thought she knew that would never happen. She, of course, did not.

Thus, they did tease and beg and do what Dean needed to do to relieve stress. No strings attached. Friends with benefits, in a way, but more of a not-so-friends-with-little-benefits.

By the end of the hour, stress was relieved, they were naked under the covers, panting, and covered in sweat.

"Thanks, Bela."

"No problem, sweets. But I really gotta run. My shift at the hospital starts in an hour." Dean gave her a quick, hot kiss, then she was standing out of the bed and putting her clothes back on.

She was gone after about fifteen minutes, most of them full of redoing her makeup.

Dean fell asleep after that, a content smile on his face. He didn't think about Cas the rest of the day, or night, because he did  _not_ need to, or want to, for that matter.

\---

Cas was free to go the next day.

He had to take therapy once a week, though, and take anti-depressants.

Life was  _great_ in Cas' world.

He stumbled into the dorm only to find Dean asleep. They both didn't have any classes today.

"Dean, don't you have work?" Cas asked, tilting his head. Dean groaned. Clearly he didn't want to be woken up, but that was true, he did have work today, yet, not for another two and half hours. "Meh." Dean grumbled, shifting in his bed, the covers tangling through his limbs.

"Dean, get up."

"Do I gotta?"

"Dean. Get up."

"Ugh. Fine."

Dean sat up and sighed. He had pulled on boxers after his shower the previous night.

"You seem off." Cas said, and Dean tilted his head. "Why do you say that?" Dean asked, yawning wide. "Dunno. You just seem.. less stressed, Your shoulders aren't hunched like they normally are, and you seem much well rested." Cas shrugged, and Dean nodded. "What? A guy can't be happy?" Cas narrowed his eyes at that comment. "You had sex, didn't you." Cas groaned before popping in a single pill of anti-depressants.

"Pfftt.. noooo..." Dean lied, and then he was standing, stretching his musces, a second yawn escaping his lips. "You lie." Cas chuckled to himself, looking at him with those wide, ice blue eyes. "Yeah, and you're pushy and stubborn." Dean stated, slight anger in his voice, though he was only making a joke. Cas actually chuckled a bit.

"I guess I should thank you for taking me to the hospital." Cas claimed, fiddling with his thumbs in his lap, eyes cast downwards. "Yeah.." Dean said quietly, and it was almost inaudible, but Cas heard it.

Changing the subject after a few moments of silence, Dean looked up at Cas and smirked a bit. "Halloween's coming up soon. You going to the party?" Cas shook his head. "Aw, come on, man! You gotta come! It'll be awesome, and you know it."

Cas shook his head again.

"I'm not a people person." He stated with a bit of a sigh. "I can introduce you to people. Maybe you can hook up with a chick or somethin'. Come on, man. It'll help to get you out of this depressed state."

Cas finally looked up at him, this time letting out a defeated sigh. "Fine, I'll go. But do I really have to dress up?" Cas asked, furrowing his brow. "Yes, Cas, you have to dress up. D'ya want me to take you somewhere to look at costumes or somethin'?"

As of now, they both felt like this would be a bit more of a fresh start. To redeem themselves to each other. So, Cas said "Yeah, that'd be cool." With a small little grin. "Okay, man. I just.. I think I might need to put on clothes." Cas laughed at his statement before going off on his phone to wait for him to get dressed.

\---

"You like 80's music? 70's?" Dean asked as they drove along in the impala. "Yeah, it's good. I mean, I don't necessarily listen to it on a day to day basic, but, I like it." Cas agreed, and Dean nodded along with him. "Then what do you listen to? You got those headphones in all day and I still don't know what kind of music you like. Come on. Tell me."

Cas sighed.

"That's a very hard question, Dean. But I guess I like rock, alternative, indie, punk, things like that." He explained, and then Dean was pulling into the parking lot of the Halloween store. "That's cool. I think you already know what kind of music I like, so there's really no point in talking about it, I guess." Dean added as they got out of the car and walked in.

Immediately, there were scary decorations on display, horrific masks hanging upon the walls, and Cas had absoultely no idea what he should be for this Halloween party. Dean would probably end up guiding him through everything, though, and thank God for that.

**45 Minutes and 4 Costumes Later**

" _Oh my God, Cas, you HAVE to be Waldo."_

"Who the fuck is Waldo?"

"Where's Waldo."

"Dean, I don't know any Waldo, how would I know where he is?"

Dean laughed, a full-body laugh, throwing his head back at Cas' statement. "Dean, I don't understand what's funny." Cas advised, eyes wide in confussion, cheeks flushed red. Dean explained what  _Where's Waldo_ is and told him why he should be it for Halloween, and Cas had scoffed at him for it, but still tried it on.

Cas came out of the dressing room a few minutes later, Dean sat outside.

"How is it?" He asked, to which Dean lifted his head from his phone, eyes widening a bit. He shifted, then crossed his legs. "It's great, man. Is that what you wanna wear for the party, then?" Cas nodded. "Cool. Change out of it and give it to me. I'll pay while you get dressed." Dean offered, and Cas' eyes narrowed a bit at the fact that he had asked to pay for him, but then he shrugged it off.

The costume was forty bucks, so yay-Cas. He didn't have to pay for it.

Cas was out and standing next to Dean right as he was finishing paying, creeping up behind him with absolutely no noise whatsoever.

"Hello, Dean." Dean jumped, scared at his sudden appearance. "Dammit, Cas!" Dean exclaimed, and Cas just kind of stood there. "What?" He asked quizzically, not knowing what Dean was making all the fuss about. "Don't creep up on me like that." Dean sighed, heartbeat eventually steadying. "S-Sorry..." Cas stuttered, and Dean chuckled softly to himself at his awkwardness.

They laughed it off, then left the store, arriving back at the dorm within the next 20 minutes.

"Thanks for buying that for me." Cas said with a warm smile after setting his things down then sitting on his bed. "No problem, seriously." Dean answered and pulled off his shirt. "Though, I gotta go to work." Dean said, then Cas chimed in. "Me too."

\---

Nothing really happened at either of their jobs aside from the basic, boring things.

Bartholomew yelled at Dean and Naomi bossed Cas around, as always.

So, six hours later, they were back at the dorm, eating  _Ramen Noodles._ Of course, the honorary college food;  _Ramen Noodles._

Dean showed Cas Supernatural, which they watched to about midnight before they both agreed it was time for some sleep.

"Shit.." Dean muttered as he clicked the TV off and checked the clock. Cas got all rolled up into his blankets before Dean did, curling himself into them for warmth and comfort.

Dean, thinking it would be an easy ride to sleep, was wrong.

One dream led to another, and then he was getting beat by his dad, groaning in his sleep, saying " _no"_ repeatedly. "Dean, shut up, I'm trying to sleep.." Cas mumbled, not realizing that Dean was actually asleep, to which point, Dean kept making his pleading noises for his father to stop beating him in his dream state.

Cas eventually turned towards Dean, eyes fluttering open to find that he was shifting in his bed, tossing and turning, groaning and panting, clearly having a nightmare. "Dean?" Cas asked, trying to make sure that he was asleep before he sat up in his bed, groggily rubbing his eyes.

"Dean, come on, be quiet." Cas stood, feeling like it was just some joke to keep Cas awake.

But Dean didn't stop, and now, Cas was nudging his shoulder, trying to get him to wake up, but he was dead asleep. Eventually, Cas was sitting down on Dean's bed, pushing his shoulder to try and wake him up, but it was a feeble attempt with no victory ahead.

"No.. stop.. no..! Stop!" And then Dean woke up, and Cas suddenly had a fist stopped next to his cheek and a hand around his wrist. "Dean." Cas said, eyes wide down at him. "Get away from me..! Get awa-" Dean paused and lifted his eyes up to Cas'

"Cas?" Dean sighed, Cas' face pulled close next to his. "Cas... I'm sorry, man.." He breathed, a worried look on his face, lips dangerously close to Cas'. "I-It's fine.." The blue-eyed man stuttered, eyes locking onto Dean's lips.

"Cas, uh.." His hand was still next to his cheek, firm grip still on his wrist. But then he realized and he let go of him, backing away, Cas' gaze on Dean's lips falling away into the darkness.

"Go back to sleep, man." Dean said plainly, as if nothing had happened. "Yeah.. yeah, of course." Cas was off of Dean's bed without skipping a beat, acting like nothing happened, acting like that would be the end of it, no more, no less.

Though, they both knew something almost happened there, and they didn't want to know that, and they both hated how they liked it a little bit -- being so close to each other like that.

They fell asleep thinking everything would be normal in the morning.

It wasn't.

After too many aching, awkward silences, loud, aching silences, Cas sat down on his own bed and looked into his lap. "What.. what happened last night?" He asked, Dean's eyes glazing over Cas' innocence.

"Nothing."

"Dean, that wasn't nothing."  
"Yes, it was. Nothing happened."

"Tell me what you were dreaming about."

"No."

"Yes!"

"You wanna know what the fuck happened? What I was dreaming about? I was dreaming about my dad. I was dreaming about how my dad almost beat me to death! Jesus fucking Christ, why do you have to be so stubborn?!" Dean exclaimed and Cas just kind of sat there.

"Dean, I didn't-"

"Shut up! I'm not gay!"

That made Cas shut up.

Though, Dean was bisexual, and that was be main reason why his father beat him. Because of the fact that he liked guys. Of course. One simple, stupid reason. It's always one simple, stupid reason for one getting beat. Be it drinking, money problems, drugs, sexuality, and those are all simple, stupid reasons.

Cas didn't say another word to him by the time he had to leave for his classes.

Dean didn't bring any of that sort up again. He didn't like to talk about his family, so, he didn't.

The roommates didn't talk much over the course of the next couple weeks.

Now, the only things that filled the dorm was the smell of Dean and or Cas, and loud, aggravating silences.


	5. Common Costumes

They finally spoke in full sentences with each other when Halloween came.

"Cas, come on, I bought you the costume, you gotta come.." Dean pleaded, Cas caving and doing as told. They had argued about it, and other things, and Dean would stay up all night, and it angered Cas because now he was tired, and he didn't want to be tired at a party. Though, he would go, because he didn't want to be alone again, so he did as Dean said and just put the damn costume on.

He looked great in the striped beanie, striped shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Though, of course, no one really said anything about it. 

He drifted through the party like wind.

You feel wind, and know it's there, but don't care about it, because really, it's not the most important thing in the world, nor is it the best, or the worst, just somewhere in the mix of good and bad that couldn't quite be explained. 

"Dean, you said you would introduce me to people.." Cas said hesitantly over the rush of costumed men and women in the large household of probably the most well known man in all of the Stanford campus.

Crowley Mcleod and his annoying gang of other men, Raphael Barnes, Lucas Pellegrino, who, might I add, was known by Lucifer, and then there was his wingman, Abbie Huffman. 

They were the center of the party -- the loudest, the most obnoxious, the ones drinking to be cool and getting smashed to be popular. 

The world was an odd, strange place. 

"I know, Cas, just, come on, man." Dean said, rocking his Top Gun costume like nobody else could. Eventually, they were met by Sam and Jo, who Dean scolded for being there, but Jo insisted she wouldn't be drinking. Charlie was there, too, dressed as the fourth Doctor from Doctor Who, which to be honest, suited her quite well. A pretty blonde girl named Jessica Moore was on Sam's arm, dressed as the basic Halloween nurse, her boyfriend costumed up as Scream. 

"This is Cas?" Sam asked, and his eyes may or may not have narrowed -- it was hard to see in the ambience of the room -- but he did have certain dissaproval in his voice. "Yeah, dude! He's cool. Cas, this is Jo, Charlie, and Jess." Dean introduced, pointing to each member of his group of friends with the hand that held the alleged red cup. They talked for a bit, then Sam's roommate appeared, to which point Sam huffed at him in a joking manner.

"Gabriel, you gotta meet Cas." Sam said, taking a sip of his drink. "I'm Cas." He stated simply, boringly, no true emotion to it. He had a beer, though, didn't really drink it. He just thought it was customary to hold one of the red cups, so, he held one, and didn't use it. "Cas? I'm Gabriel! I'm Sam's roommate, and I need another beer!" He was off with that, then Dean was guiding Cas away again to another group of friends.

As they walked, Dean spoke into Cas' ear. "Don't talk to Crowley, or any of his friends. Their bad company." He explained, and Cas nodded, which was sad, because this was his second year of school at Stanford, and yet, Dean had such a higher state of social life than Cas that he knew who to talk to and not to talk to. 

"Cas, this is Bela!" He greeted her to the black-haired man, a man who had taken up a nasty look because she smelled like cigarrettes, alcohol, and perfume, which must have been to cover up the other stenches coming off of her.  _What a feeble attempt,_ Cas had thought to himself. Bela smiled warmly at Cas, though, she was stumbling, clearly too drunk to drive, though, Dean and Cas both knew she'd end up driving herself home.

"You're cute! Why have I never seen you around?" Bela asked. "I don't get out much." Cas replied with a slight firmness to his words, as if Bela was more of a threat than to-be-friend. Though, it was a feeling he could easily shrug off, but for some reason, didn't. "You should! You could be so much more than a nobody!" She stated over the music and drum of college students. 

"This isn't my kind of place, Dean.." Cas said, the anxiety of so many people getting to him, the noises furrowing into his ears like worms. "Cas, man, you just gotta have fun! Let go, dude!" Dean replied without thinking, but that was too hard for Cas, a task that was easier said than done for some, some being Cas. "Come on, drink your beer. I'm right here, Cas. I'll be here if you need me, okay?" Dean assured, brow furrowing, knowing now after the hospital incident that he was a very sensitve man, and took that to heart. 

"Okay." Cas nodded, looking around for something to do. Though, Dean wasn't there most of the time, and was dancing with some chick from another college named Lisa. 

Cas ended up drinking four full red cups.

He was upstairs, now, stumbling into a random room in a haze. Though, when he opened it, there was some guy fucking another girl. "Get out of here, man!" The guy exclaimed, so Cas immediately left and shut the white door, eyes focusing on a couch that was in the loft. 

It was a bit quieter upstairs, though, the music still boomed through his ears. But there was a guy on the couch, too, to which Cas scooted away from, glaring over at him tiredly, drunkenly. 

"Who're you?" The man asked, and Cas shrugged. " _Who're you?"_ He talked back. "I asked first." The man spoke. "Castiel Novak, though, you probably know me as- oh wait, no one knows me, I'm fucking useless." He said over to the blonde man, who was clearly, also drunk. "That's not true." He told him, and Cas looked up at him with a sigh.

"I still wanna know who you are." Cas stated groggily. "Name's Balthazar." He replied, to which Cas realized that he had an English accent and that he was his old roommate. "What the fuck kind of name is that?" Cas asked with a chuckle. "What the fuck kind of name is Castiel?" Balthazar said with a cocky grin. He was playing games with Cas -- trying to get him to come back to him. And he knew he was drunk, and so he was acting drunk, too. "True." Cas agreed, nodding his head all the way back, then all the way down, like most drunk people do.

"And you don't think I'm useless because..?" 

"You seem cool." 

"Well, I'm not, thank you very much."

"Still not true, Castiel."

"You're stubborn."

"Yeah, so are you."

\---

They ended up fucking in one of the bedrooms.

It was a major mistake on both parts.

They were both drunk.

Cas didn't want to very much, and he could barely get it up, but he managed.

"Cas?" Dean called. The house was quiet now. Trash was littered everywhere and the thick smell of alcohol filled the room in replacement of the musk of college men and women. "Cas?" Dean called again, to which Cas realized his name was being called, and scrambled to put on clothes. 

Cas made sure to leave the room and close the door before Dean realized he had just gotten laid, then was calling for him again. "Over here." He finally spoke out, Dean turning his head to the sound. "Come on, we gotta go. It's 3 AM." Dean didn't drink much -- thank God, because there was no way Cas could drive. 

Hopefully, Cas wouldn't be bumping into the man he thought was someone he met just the night before. He didn't remember his name, nor did he get his number because they were durnk and not in their right minds. 

"Cas, you okay, dude?" Dean asked as he guided him downstairs. "Yeah, I'm good. I had four beers." Dean's eyes widened. "Dude, I only had one. What did you do while I was gone?" Dean asked, though didn't want to sound intrusive, so he tried his best to make the words come out less pushy than they were. "Nothing. I just went into the loft and watched TV." 

He lied, of course.

Though, Dean had no proof of what really happened, so he nodded along to his deception like nothing was behind it; like that were no strings attached; like that was what really happened.

\---

They arrived back at the dorm around 4 AM.

They both fell asleep quick.

Cas had a massive headache the next day, a headache Dean gave him some ibuprofin to deal with before he went to work. 

Cas got a call a few hours after Dean left, while he was in between classes. It came up as an unknown number.

"Hello? Who is this?" Cas asked over the phone.

"Hey, this is Balthazar. Is this Cas?" 

"Yes. How did you get my number?" 

"That doesn't matter. I just -- I had a really good time last night. Do you think we could meet up sometime?"

"Balthazar, I was drunk. I didn't mean to -- I didn't want to do that with you. I'm sorry, but really, I wasn't in my right mind, and I just -- I don't think you should have my number."

"But, Cas--"

He ended the call and blocked his number before he heard Balthazar try to reason with him. 

Then he started to wonder how exactly Balthazar had gotten his number. He hadn't given it out to anybody at the party -- no, of course not. So how had that blonde British man gotten his number? Castiel had no idea. He just left it up to his mind to figure that out.

Bad idea.

\---

**Two Weeks Later**

It was 2 AM.

Cas was on his phone, trying to sleep, but nothing really worked.

A random number with a text message attached suddenly popped up at the top of his screen.

_Hello, this is Balthazar. I got a new phone so that I wasn't blocked by you. Let's talk. We should talk._

_Castiel: Balthazar, I already told you, I don't want to._  
  
This guy was a total creep.

There were three dots on the screen, notifying Cas that -- what he now thought -- his stalker was texting him. But he interjected before it sent, or at least, before he finished typing.

_Castiel: I'm tired. It's 2 AM. If I get another text from you, I'm blocking you again._

_Balthazar: Night, sweetie._  
  
He blocked him.

 

 _\---_  
  
"Do you know who Balthazar is?" Dean asked that next morning after waking Cas up. "Why are you asking?" Cas replied with a glare of annoyance -- a glare of annoyance that was in no means directed towards Dean, but directed towards the question in which Dean asked. "'Cause he texted me saying that you two knew each other and that you accidentally blocked him or something?" Cas shook his head angrily. 

"Dammit, Dean. He's some stalker that I hooked up with at the Halloween party. Shut up, I know what you're going to say." Cas sighed, rubbing his eyes. This was not a good way to wake up.

"Damn, okay. I'll block him then." Dean said, disregarding the fact that Cas had sex.

Though, it wasn't the fact that he had sex that got to him. Well, it wasn't the fact that Cas, of all people, with the level of social life he had, had sex.

No, it was the fact that he had sex and that this dude was stalking him.

It made him angry. And Cas' blue eyes made him angry, and his tousled hair made him angry, and his face made him angry, and the way he slept made him angry, and  _Cas made him angry._  

Dean coughed before he spoke up again. "I gotta get to work." Dean said before telling him bye, Cas not replying. He had to deal with this Balthazar dude before things got worse.

Things got worse very quickly.

Almost an instant after Cas knew Dean would be out of the building, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Cas asked, lifting his head, eyes narrowing. "Sweetie, it's Balthazar. Let me in." He said from the hallway. "I said we should talk." He continued, only to be greeted by Cas at the door. "Hey, sweets." "Shut up." "Aw, come on. Quit your teasing." 

Oh.

That's what he thought he was doing.

Teasing.

No, he was serious. Though, clearly, Balthazar did not get the very apparent memo. To which point he brought himself inside, sitting himself down on what he thought was Cas' bed, which, it was. "What are you doing here, Balthazar?" Cas asked, anger hinted on his tongue. "I said we should talk, but.." He was suddenly grabbing Cas' arm and bringing him down to the bed.

"Balthazar, stop it. Baltha-" But he was stopped when he had rough lips against his. "Mmmm!" Cas exclaimed into his lips, desperately trying to push him away, but he wouldn't budge. "Stop moving, sweets. It'll only make it worse." Balthazar said firmly, rolling over to pin Cas down, Cas' hands held above his head.

"Balthazar, stop it! Get out!" He exlclaimed, but Balthazar just slipped Cas' shirt off and threw it across the room. "I like it when you tease me." Balthazar grinned devishly as he pressed his lips against Cas' lips once again, only to gain another muffled scream from Cas. 

Cas finally did something, though.

He brought his knee up and kicked Balthazar in the balls, to which the blonde man groaned in pain. His glare sharpened down to Cas, who's blue eyes were wide with terror, because this man was stronger than him, and now this man was stronger than him and  _angry._  
  
He didn't know what happened, but there was suddenly a burning pain on his cheek, and his head was flown to the side. As the pain on his cheek sizzled and popped, he realized he had just been slapped, and that there was sure to be a bruise there.

Then Balthazar was biting marks down Cas' chest, each one rough, hard, and making Cas whimper. 

He cried, too.

This was rape. 

He was being raped and he couldn't do anything about it.

He realized that this is what it was like -- powerless. Powerless to a point where he just had to go along with it and hope to God things didn't get worse.

He cried as his pants were about to come off, and he cried as there were bruises made down his chest, and he cried as his hands were held above his head because he was being  _raped._  
  
But then the door was being opened and he was still crying and Balthazar paused and looked to see who it was and who had stopped in the middle of his sentence to say that he forgot his keys.

But then Balthazar was jumping off of Cas, who was still crying, who didn't know what happened, or what was happening, but he heard punches and blood being drawn and bruises being made.

"Cas..." Dean breathed, panting hard. Balthazar was knocked out. There were bruises all of Cas' body and a deep red tint on his cheek from the slap. Cas looked up at Dean, body almost fully exposed, hands still hung loosely above his head because he hadn't thought about bringing them back down. "I -- I don't know -- he came in and -- I couldn't stop him.." Cas was shaking, crying, sniffling, just a mess, a big mess.

"Hey, Cas, Cas, shh, it's okay.." Dean muttered, pulling him up into his arms, letting Cas' arms wrap loosely around his body, bruised skin against clothes. "He came at me and I didn't know what to do, Dean.. I couldn't do anything -- I tried to attack him, but he slapped me and --" Dean stopped him. "Cas, it's not your fault. Okay? It's not. Don't think about it. Think about your favorite song? Your favorite song, yeah? Now imagine it in your head. Just like that, okay?" Dean rubbed Cas' bare back gently and reassuringly as he nodded. 

"It's okay, Cas.. I got you.. I'm here.." He mumbled against his neck, closing his own green eyes as Cas thought of his favorite song, not talking, though, his cries were still full with hiccups and gasps for air, hands balling Dean's shirt into his fist for leverage -- as an anchor so he knew this wasn't some nightmare.  

 _"_ Calm down, Cas. I'm here. It's over." Dean assured, bringing a hand up to the mess of black hair that was next to his face to run tender fingers through. "I --  _hiccup --_ I can't, I'm trrying bu --  _hiccup_ \-- I can't.." Cas breathed, a crying mess against Dean's body. 

"Cas, you gotta breathe, come on, you gotta breathe, I know you can.." Dean insisted, trying his best to get his roommate to calm down. 

And he could tell he was trying, but Dean had no idea what he was going through -- he had never been raped or taken advantage of, so he had no idea what just happened to Cas or how things went down, and he didn't intend on asking, because if he did, he had a feeling it would not end in a very fortunate way. 

So he just kind of let Cas cry against him for the second time in a few months.

Because this kid needed someone, and this kid was broken, and he knew exactly what that was like -- to need someone -- so he didn't move a muscle unless Cas told him to. 

After another good five minutes, Cas heard shifting from the ground. He opened his eyes to look for where exactly the noise was coming, only to find Balthazar moving and standing, looking at Dean's back, then over to Cas' eyes, which were wide with terror. 

"Get away from me." Cas pleaded, making Dean think he was talking to him, and not Balthazar. But what he thought was proven wrong when Balthazar stepped a bit forward and said "No".

Dean didn't want to, but he moved his arms off of Cas and turned around to look at Balthazar, standing, hovering over the shorter man with an angered look. "Get out." Dean commanded, having yet to touch him again after knocking him out. 

"No." Balthazar said again. "He's my boyfriend. I have the right to my boyfriend." Balthazar lied, to which Dean scoffed and shook his head. "If he was your boyfriend, you wouldn't have to force yourself on him. If he was your boyfriend, he wouldn't be crying because you tried to have sex with him. Now get the  _fuck_ out of my dorm." Dean declared with a bit of a grunt, and Balthazar stumbled forward another step.

Dean pressed his hands against Balthazar's chest, pushing him back. "Go!" Dean exclaimed, and Balthazar just kind of stood there for a moment before he actually left.

Dean turned back to Cas who had been looking up at him with wide, tearful blue eyes, silently begging for Dean to cradle him again, but Dean just stood there and scanned his eyes over Cas' bruises, hating the sight of it.

"Do you want me to stay?" Dean questioned, brow furrowing with worry. 

Cas nodded after a few seconds of thought.

"C'mere.." Dean eventually intervined, though, Cas wasn't the one to stand or move, because Dean already had his arms wrapped around him again, one hand running up and down Cas' spine, the other curled loosely into his hair. "I won't let him near you again. I promise." Dean vowed, and Cas sniffled, still crying a bit.

"Thank you.." Cas muttered under his breath, though because of their close quarters, Dean heard and nodded.

"You hurting?" Dean asked after a bit, mentioning his bruises.

Cas nodded.

"I can get you some painkillers." He said, about to stand, but Cas' grip on his shirt was too tight, and his eyes were wide, pleading for him to stay. Dean's eyes turned towards Cas', about to stay there, but then his shirt was let go of, and Dean stood, hobbling over to look through the mix of (mostly Cas') medicine bottles before finding a small packet of painkillers.

He decided it might be a good time for Cas' anti-depressants, too, so he poured out the amount that Cas was supposed to take, then grabbed the water bottle that was on the top of the nightstand. He walked back over to Cas with those things in hand, dumping the pills into Cas' palm then handing him the water bottle.

He downed each pill easily.

"You good?" Dean asked with a slight tip of his head. "I guess.." Cas muttered back with a long sigh.

"I shouldn't have let him in. It's my fault. It's my fault I was drunk last night and didn't realize that it was him. It's my fault I let him in, it's my fa-" Dean stopped him again by saying "Cas. It is not. Your. Fault. You have to listen to me, okay? This wasn't your fault. This was Balthazar's. He's the one that approached you. He probably wasn't even drunk last night, too. He was probably just playing tricks on you the entire time. None of this, Cas. None of this is your fault." 

Cas nodded again. 

"I think I'm gonna sleep now.." Cas mumbled, running his hands over the now purple bruises with a bit of a hiss at the touch. But he would have to sleep with those, and live with those for quite some time, so he knew he would have to get used to it. "Okay. I'll stay here and call my work to tell them that I was sick or somethin'." Dean said with a warm smile.

He had to ball his fists against his sides to keep himself from reaching out and moving the hair away from Cas' forehead.

Cas nodded, oblivious to his roommates thoughts as he slid under his covers and turned away from Dean, facing the wall. 

Dean sighed.

He wanted to see Cas' face, even though it was all bruised and beaten up. 

And he hated it because this was  _Cas_ and  _fuck,_ he thought, because he might be falling for him. He really, really might. 

And it scared him because odds were, they wouldn't get a room together next year.

And odds were, Cas didn't feel the same way about him.

And odds were, this world was a harsh, harsh place, and nothing would ever go exactly the way Dean wanted. 

So he just kind of sat there for a bit and contemplated things, like how he realized Cas' eyes weren't ice blue, but sky blue, in every good way, just, blue. And how he wasn't rude, but that they truly did get off on the wrong foot, and that things really, probably, definitely, weren't going to get much better from here. 

From where he sat.

From where he needed to be; in front of Cas, or beside him, or in the same room as him.

But he still made that call he said he would do and he still told them that he was sick and couldn't make it for about the third time just because of Cas. Because each time he had called in sick, he was never actually sick -- he was tending to Cas, and he didn't know why he did it, because he hated this guy at first, and now, what he hated even more than that, was that this guy was making him so angry because he just couldn't help but be confused.

And he was confused because he'd never felt this way before.

Yeah, he cared for his little brother, but he's never felt so close to someone in this sort of way.

It frustrated him.


	6. The Humiliation Game

**Weeks went by.**

Thanksgiving passed.

It was all a bore.

Without Michael to keep everyone calm or to keep everyone talking, nothing happened. Though, Cas' drunk father, Chuck, did almost hit Hannah. That was a surpirse.

Cas didn't tell a single tale of what happened between him and Balthazar.

That would forever remain between him, Dean Winchester, and Balthazar Roche.

The holiday season was now upon them, and thus, were the finals.

Oh, yay, the finals.

Piles upon piles of tests and final projects before the semester ended.

What a wonderful Christmas gift from the teachers to the students.

Ah, yes, the annual Christmas party, hosted by the one, the only, Crowley Mcleoud. Of course. As always.

Dean insisted on taking Cas once again, and Cas disagreed,  _once again,_  but caved,  _once again._ But this time, Dean promised he would stay next to Cas, no matter how sleezy the girls got, no matter how slow the music was. He would stay next to Cas because he knew that he was fragile and that he could easily get into trouble, just like he did the last party he took him to.

Everyone was doing Secret Santa's now, and Cas had left the gift in the impala, next to the gift Dean had gotten for someone.

So now Cas was in a sweater, jeans, and sneakers, and Dean was in basically the same Christmas-y get-up, walking into the house of party around eight PM.

"Dean, there's more people here than last time. I should go.." Cas muttered into Dean's ear. "Cas, we're here now. You just gotta let go, remember? Just.. don't drink as much this time." Dean chuckled a bit, but he was serious. He didn't want Cas doing what he did last time. That would be a disaster. "I'll be next to you the whole time this time, okay?" Dean asked, making sure it was okay with Cas before he continued on. "Okay."

And then Dean was guiding him back to the same group of friends that included his brother, sister, Charlie, Jess, and Gabriel, who were all already drinking and dancing like mad-men.

"C'mon, Cas, man, you gotta dance! Listen to the music!" Dean handed him a drink, but gave him a look like  _that's your only one_ before Cas nodded to both his look and his actual speech. "It's just so loud!" Cas replied, and Dean nodded, too. "I know, Cas, but you gotta trust me. It'll get louder and crazier, and you just have to have a good time. If you want me to take you upstairs, we can go upstairs, but you just gotta try, Cas. Okay?" Dean asked, brow furrowing to make sure he was okay with everything.

"Okay."

Eventually, though, Cas was actually dancing and laughing and having a good time, listening to the music, jumping along with everybody just like Dean told him to do. And Dean did actually stay next to him this time, only leaving when he or someone else wanted a drink. But he was back within a good five minutes, and Cas was okay, so everything was good.

That was, until, Crowley was walking through his house, looking around, stalking out who exactly his next victim should be.

His eyes locked onto Cas, who was turned away from him, having a great time at the party.

He smirked, walking slowly over to Cas, drink in hand, his friends Lucas and Raphael realizing exactly what he was about to do and just who he was going to do it on.

"Dean, I like this song!" Cas was in the middle of saying, and Crowley chuckled, because he thought at that exact moment  _faggots_ and then was pouring his drink on top of Cas' head.

Cas paused, and Dean's eyes widened, and Sam heard the splash, and Cas could feel the ice-cold drink drench his sweater and ruin his hair and douse him in the heavy smell of alcohol.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that." But Dean knew he was lying because he  _and_ Sam saw him do it.

Lucas and Raphael, in the meantime, were laughing their asses off, watching Cas just kind of stand there and baske in the beer that Crowley just poured into his hair.

"What are you gonna do, kid? Kill me?" Crowley teased, and that is exactly what Cas wanted to do, because he was suddenly stopped by Dean from clawing Crowley's eyes out, arms around his torso, holding him back. "Cas! Stop it, there's no way you could've taken him!" Dean sighed, and Cas nodded, because that was true.

But what he didn't realize, was that everyone had stopped to look at the scene. Even the music had turned off. "Cas, come on. Let's go." Dean said, but Crowley stopped him. "Not so fast, squirrel." Crowley intervined, pressing a hand against Dean's chest to stop him from leaving the premise. "You wanna punch me?" Crowley said over to Cas, hand still keeping Dean back. "Wanna claw my eyes out because I poured my beer on your head? Well then go ahead. I'm open. Come on."

Cas stared at him with narrowed eyes.

"Cas, don't d-" But Crowley stopped him by punching him in the face, and that's what made Cas tick.

He was on him, all fists and knees, but nothing ever seemed to really phaze him. "That all you got?!" Crowley exclaimed. One punch to the side of Cas' face and he was knocked down to the ground.

"Don't get up.." Dean muttered to himself, quiet, inaudible words -- words Crowley couldn't hear.

But Cas didn't hear him and he got up, throwing the hardest punch he could possible at Crowley's nose.

He didn't know what happened, but his knuckles were bruised, and he felt so much pain, because that punch had knocked Crowley out, and now it was both Raphael and Lucas on him, no mercy.

He was on the ground now, a circle having cleared out for the fight to happen, not a single brave soul volunteering to help Cas.

Cas was bloody on the floor, all bruises, begging for them to stop, but they didn't.

And Sam was keeping Dean back from helping because there was no way he could take both of them, so he had to stand there and watch Cas get beat to a bloody, pulpy mess, pleading for them to stop, but they never did.

"Stop.. please.. stop.." Cas begged, knees pulled to his chest in a fetal position, arms protecting his already majorly bruised face. "You want me to fucking stop? Yeah?" Lucas asked, and Cas nodded, which was stupid of him, but he didn't want to feel any more pain than he already was.

"Then get on your knees. Bow down to me. Beg for me to stop." Lucas spat, and Cas looked up at him with plead in his blue eyes, but no mercy came from Lucas'. "Do it, bitch." Lucas ordered, and Cas sat up, groaning in pain, showing all of the seeing eyes just how bad his face looked.

He could tell pictures were being taken.

"Come on! Beg!" Lucas continued, giving Cas' face a quick kick, causing him to be pushed down backwards once again. "I said, beg!" Lucas ordered, but was kicking him in the stomach, in the ribs, everywhere, just everywhere. "Stop, please, Lucas, stop.. I'm begging you, please.. " Cas pleaded.

"Oh, that's what I wanted to hear." Lucas suddenly ceased his foot movements. "Who are you?" Lucas asked. "Castiel Novak."

"Did you hear that everyone? Castiel Novak! What the fuck kind of name is Castiel, huh?!" He exclaimed, giving a bit of a chuckle before his face became serious again and he was looking down at him.

"You're going to tell me who you are again. But this time, you're going to add a bit to it. You're going to say that you're my bitch, then I'll let you go." He whispered down to him, and Cas was already whimpering, because that was public humiliation, more than anything, but he had to do it, or else he'd get beaten to death on Christmas.

"Raphael, you gonna record this, man?" He asked, but it was more of a demand. Nobody knew what Lucas had whispered to him, but decided it was important, and lots of people, including Raphael, were scrambling for their phones to record what was about to happen.

"Come on,  _Castiel,_ do it. Be a good little boy." Lucas said teasingly down to him, loud enough for each of the phones to pick up. "Who are you, again, Castiel? Remind me. I've forgotten."

Cas looked up at him with hooded, glazed-over eyes, trying to tell him that he couldn't say it, that he couldn't do it, but he had to.

But then his eyes were locking with Dean's and he stared into them for dear life, because Lucas was screaming at him, but everything was being drained out and he had to say it, he did, and that's what he managed to do.

"I'm Castiel Novak.. I'm -- I'm your bitch."

Everyone laughed.

"You hear that everyone!? He's my bitch!" Lucas laughed, and then more people were pouring their drinks on his head as they left, and Cas' tears came quick, but the beer covered his crying easily.

"Cas.." Dean stared at him, and Sam finally loosened his grip because Lucas and Raphael and almost everyone had left by then. It was clear now, that Cas was crying, and the few people that were there were laughing at him and calling him pathetic.

Dean dropped to his knees in front of him, putting his hands on his shoulders, steadying him, trying to catch his gaze. "Dean.." Cas mumbled, eyes closed, a shaky smile spreading across his lips and he had no idea why. "The beer is good.." Cas joked, a smile appearing, but quickly fading, and then he broke, leaning against Dean, wrapping his arms around him, burying his face into his shoulder.

"Cas, come on, I gotta take you home. You gotta get washed up. Come on.." Dean breathed, but Cas wouldn't budge. He was too beat and bloody probably to stand, so Dean thought on it for a moment, before he was scooping Cas up into his arms and bringing him outside into the backseat of the car.

He carefully set him down before he went and sat in the front seat, driving as fast -- yet quickly, as possible to the dorm.

He carried him up all of the stairs and then sat him down on the bed, looking at his bruised face and shaking his head. "Cas.. I'm so sorry.. I should've helped.."

"Dean, it's not your fault.." Cas managed, taking his turn to tell someone that it wasn't their fault. "I just.. I don't know.." He was crying again, because he didn't want to live like this.

He didn't want to have a video of him telling someone that he was their bitch to go onto YouTube, and he didn't want to have beer poured on his head, and he didn't want to be beaten bloody, or raped, or stalked, or to have to cut his wrists, because this is  _not_ how someone should be allowed to live.

And Cas just felt so alone -- so misplaced; such an outcast; so different.

But then, as if Dean knew what he was thinking, or at least, because he was crying, Dean was catching Cas' teary-eyed gaze, looking down at him and thinking  _he shouldn't be crying -- he's perfect._ But he didn't say that.

No, he didn't.

"Do you want me to do anything?" Dean asked with a sigh after Cas' crying ceased to a minimum.

Cas paused and thought.

He didn't know what to say, or what he needed to say, but he knew what he wanted to say, and he felt like if he said it, he would be shunned or slapped or punched, and he didn't want to be shunned, or slapped, or punched, because he was feeling too much pain already, and he didn't want to feel any more.

But he still said it because somehow, it slipped out, and he didn't want it to.

"Just.. please.. just kiss me.." Cas begged, and Dean instantly leant down and placed their first, tender, slow, gentle kiss onto his lips.

Cas' eyes closed, and so did Dean's, and Dean's hands slid up to Cas' bruised cheeks, cupping his face ever so gently -- he didn't want to hurt him. No, that would be the last thing he would want. "Dean.." Cas breathed against his lips, because he's needed that for God knows how long. "Cas.." Dean said back after pulling away.

Dean's lips spread into a warm smile, and Cas' did, too.

Luckily, they both knew that nothing would be starting yet -- they kissed because they needed to, but sex was out of the question; Cas could barely move for God sakes, and Dean respected that.

"Do you want me to start a bath?" Dean asked softly, keeping Cas' cheeks cupped in his palms. Cas nodded after a moment of cherishing what just happened.

"Yeah." Cas finally said, but Dean kissed him once more before he moved to stand. He walked off into the bathroom, the sound of water apparent in Cas' ears.

After a bit of checking the temperature of the water and making sure it was warm enough, Dean went back next to Cas and scooped him up, taking him into the bathroom for his bath.

"Do -- do you want me to help?" Dean asked, and Cas paused for a moment before he signaled for Dean to turn around. Dean nodded and did as told so Cas could get undressed. Noises of clothes falling to the floor then water moving could be heard.

Cas was in the bath now, bubbles covering his more private parts. He reached a hand out to Dean, his green eyes turning towards Cas at the touch.

Dean moved over and sat at the edge of the tub where Cas' head hung off before he grabbed the shampoo, got his hands wet, then poured some of the liquid onto Cas' head. He placed the bottle back down before his hands began moving slowly through Cas' hair, sticky from all of the beer that was poured onto it.

Cas' eyes closed at the welcomely gentle touch. "Dean.." He gasped, Dean's hooded eyes lifting to look up at the mess of black hair in front of him, only to realize that he was moaning. Dean smirked a bit at that, because he'd never heard him moan, or at least, in pleasure.

"I know, Cassie, I know.." Dean muttered as he began to give his scalp a massage. Cas sighed a silent moan, blue eyes still closed. "Just relax. Let go of all that tension." Dean mused, Cas' head moving in his hands in a nod.

Cas' shoulders dropped to a relaxed state, and he let Dean be good to him, because he knew he wouldn't do otherwise.

"I -- I can wash myself off." Cas said after a while, head twisting to the side to look at Dean's green eyes. "Cas.. are you sure?" Dean muttered, eyes scanning over Cas' for any signs of hurt or discomfort. "Y-Yeah.. I'm sure.." Cas mumbled with a bit of a nod.

Dean leaned in and kissed him for the third time, gentle, and easy, before he stood and left the bathroom.

Groans and hisses of pain could be heard from the bathroom due to Cas running over the bruises. Soft cries freed from the blue-eyed man's lips and Dean wanted to go help him -- to stop him from hurting himself, but he didn't, because he knew Cas wouldn't want him to.

Eventually, water was draining and Cas was stepping out of the tub. wrapping a towel around his shaking, shivering body. He shuffled out of the bathroom, gaze catching Dean's for a split second before he was moving to put on clothes.

"C'mere..." Dean held his arms out for Cas once he had boxers and a shirt on. Cas shuffled towards him, eyes fixed on the ground, eventually reaching him and sitting on his lap, wrapping his legs around Dean's lower torso. One of Dean's hands moved up to Cas' waist, the other placing his index finger and thumb on Cas' chin, guiding his face down towards his, both of their eyes closing into the kiss.

"Dean, I can't--" Cas started, Dean nodding, knowing exactly what he was going to say. "I know, Cas. I won't force myself on you. You know that.." Dean said, lips not a millimeter away from Cas'. "Thank you.." Cas murmured, Dean nodding along to his words.

Dean brought him down again, lips pressing against each other's with need.

"Stay with me tonight..." Cas breathed, Dean's nod of agreement slow. "I will." He promised, kissing him again before Dean was leaning back, laying down so Cas was on top of him, wrapping his arms around him in a gentle embrace.

"Dean..." He muttered against him, shifting, gasping in pain as his bruises scratched against the fabric. Dean sighed at the noise, only to loosen his arms around him and roll over so they were both on their sides, facing each other.

"Cas, come on, please.. I hate seeing you like this -- go to sleep, baby.." Dean pleaded, pulling him closer. Cas sighed, pressing up loosely against Dean for more warmth than the comforter gave. "I'll be right here, Cas. I promise. I won't let anything happen to you. I'll be here when you wake up; just go to sleep." He promised.

Cas nodded, and Dean smiled warmly, making sure Cas was as comfortable as possible before he, too, closed his eyes, allowing the darkness seep in and the warmth of Cas against him draw him into unconsciousness.


	7. Bad Places

The next few weeks for Castiel were horrid.

The video of him at the Christmas party got onto YouTube and had a decent amount of views. Almost everyone at Stanford watched it, so each class began and ended with people laughing as they passed him. Maybe during, they'd throw pencils at him -- push his books off his desk.

Dean would find Cas in between their classes and would have to hug him, tell him it was okay, tell him it'd be over soon and make sure he wasn't going to do anything stupid; stupid being cut his wrists again.

That, too.

Dean would check his wrists when he could, just to make sure that everything was generally okay.

Then Dean wouldn't want to leave him, but eventually, one or the other would have to go to another class or head to work, so Dean would let him go, press a quick kiss onto his forehead, then leave him.

Cas would hold his hand when he got the chance. He could care less what other people thought of him if they saw him holding Dean's hand; I mean, they were right, he  _is_  
gay. He wasn't going to act straight to fit in, though, sometimes, he would want to.

He would want to be someone else; to be  
different; to not be himself because he was useless and worthless and no one cared about him, and he knew that. He knew that no one truly loved him, he knew that Dean was just playing some sick game with him because he didn't want to be the fault of Cas' death. And Cas knew that these people would never really stop -- they'd always keep going, and Crowley would continue to torment him, so yes; he did not want to be Castiel Novak.

But he was.

And he hated it.

But he managed.

Like everyone always does in this mad, mad world.

\---

"Cas, you have to get out of the dorm.." Dean pleaded, looking down at his blue eyes with a furrowed brow. "I don't want to. They'll make fun of me," Cas paused, "and it's cold." He finished. "Cas, I realize it's cold, but it's not unbearable. And you can't let what they say get to you. It'll put you in a real bad place, and I don't like it when you are. So come on, Cas.. go take a walk or something." Dean sighed, Cas' eyes glazing over Dean's with innocence and the high essence of tired, mixed with a bit of worthless and a pinch of self-hate.

"I just don't want to, Dean.." Cas groaned, pulling the covers up and dressing himself in their warmth. "I know you don't want to, but you can't sit in here all day and soak in your own self-pity." Dean pleaded, and Cas didn't answer this time.

"Cas.. come to the park with me." Dean said, but it was a bit more of a plead, and even more an order. "Why? It's not like I mean anything to you. Why are you trying to take care of me? You wouldn't care if I died. Nobody would care because I'm a nobody. We both know that." Cas said as he sat up, only in boxers, revealing the several dozen cuts on his thighs. Though, Dean didn't notice because Cas was putting on jeans before he could get a good look.

"Cas, don't you say that. Don't you dare say that you don't mean anything to anyone. You are an amazing person, but you won't be if you don't care for yourself. Come on, Cas. Come to the park with me." Cas sighed.

"Fine."

He pulled on a random shirt then a sweatshirt over it, putting his shoes on after. "Just -- just don't let anything happen to me." Cas said as he took Dean's hand and was led out of the dorm building. "I won't, Cas. I promise."

\---

They arrived at the park twenty minutes later.

The January cold of the California air pecked at their skin like pinpricks, thousands upon thousands, eating away at their skin.

Cas clung to Dean like a baby shark with it's mother, desperately trying to stay warm.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" Dean said after a bit of just walking and holding Cas' hand. "Dean.." Cas breathed, looking up at him with uncertainty.

"That's not true."

"Yeah, it is, Cas."

"You're just saying that because you don't want me to hate myself or somethin'."

"No, you really are beautiful. You're perfect, Cas -- absolutely amazing." Dean insisted, Cas' blue eyes widening at his words. "No, I'm not. I hurt myself, I'm stubborn, I'm not important." Dean shook his head, leaning his head down and catching Cas' lips with his own.

"You're important to me."

"Dean, I'm not-"

"Shut  _up_." Dean said with a sly smile, kissing Cas again with a bit more force, though, still gentle. Their chests pressed together, lips moving against each other's, hands interconnected, Cas felt  _wanted_  --  ** _needed_**.

Dean pulled away after a good fifteen seconds of kissing, Dean smiling down at Cas. "You're important to me, Cas. Remember that." He added, Cas' eyes casting down to the ground. Dean put his fingers on his chin, lifting his head up to look at him.

"Hey. Come on, Cas. Let's keep walking."

Cas nodded along the insistent look Dean  
was giving him.

They continued walking, as Dean said. They talked about random, meaningless things, ranging from favorite TV shows to least favorite books -- hottest celebrities to best translations from book to movie(s), Harry Potter being one of the top five.

Cas actually laughed.

He hadn't laughed in a good two weeks.

\---

They had left the park from being cold about an hour after they kissed and were now sat on Cas' bed, Cas sitting between Dean's legs, back against Dean's chest as they watched TV.

They decided on watching The Conjuring, and Dean didn't quite know how well Cas could tolerate that kind of movie, but Cas had agree to it, so they were starting the movie. Dean had his arms wrapped around Cas' waist, chin rested on top of Cas' head, a content smile on his face.

Though, a much scarier part was beginning, and Cas was almost shaking from being so scared, desperately trying to keep his eyes open, not from sleepiness, but because he didn't want to look stupid in front of Dean. Then Cas was gripping Dean's arms because the scariest part in the whole movie showed.

Dean's eyes widened at the sudden touch and moved his head down beside Cas' face. "Hey, calm down, I'm right here, it's not real." Dean muttered into his ear, Cas' eyes shut right in the meantime. "Cas, come on, it's not real, it's okay, Cas. Nothing's gonna happen to you, I'm right here, Cas." Dean breathed, Cas nodding along to his reassuring words.

Dean quickly moved to turn off the TV, the room falling silent aside from Cas' panting.

"Ssshhh, Cas, ssshhh.." Dean soothed, pressing easy kisses onto his neck in an attempt to calm him down.

After about another minute or two, the blue eyed man's breathing steadied and Dean lifted his out of Cas' neck. "You okay, Cassie?" He asked, brow furrowed with worry. "Y-yeah.." He stuttered back, his iron grip on Dean's arms loosening. "Yeah, I'm okay, Dean."

Dean nodded, pressing a firm kiss onto the top of Cas' head to get him to calm down completely.

"I'm sorry, that was my fault, we shouldn't have watched that movie.." Dean apologized, but Cas shook his head. "It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have agreed to it."

Before he knew it, Cas was tilting his head back and kissing Dean, slow and steady, something Dean knew Cas needed; slow and steady. Though, Dean was moving his hands down Cas' sides, reaching the hem of his shirt, then sliding up, slow, hands warm from being held against Cas' shirt for so long. One of Cas' hands was being brought up, only to find the back of Dean's neck, resting it there as he deepened the kiss by parting his lips, Dean's tongue sliding into his mouth a moment after; if he had done it instantly, he would've seemed desperate, so he waited a moment to do so.

Dean's hands slid further up his shirt, resting at his waist, thumbs running slow circles along his body.

Though, Cas was pulling away and staring into Dean's eyes, clearly about to say something.

"Does this make me your boyfriend?" Cas asked, a bit hesitantly, cheeks flushed red from embarrassment. "Yeah, Cas. It does." Dean said with a warm smile. Cas nodded, pressing his lips back against Dean's to shorten the distance between them. 

After a few more minutes, Cas pulled away just a millimeter, lips brushing against each other's, eyes closed. "Dean, I can't -- I don't think I'm ready to take this any further.." Cas sighed, feeling like he failed Dean. Though, Dean still nodded. "I know, Cas. Like I said, I won't force myself on you. Just tell me when you're ready, Cas. I'm not dissapointed; I understand."  Dean assured his new boyfriend, giving him a quick peck on the lips for effect.

"Thank you," Cas breathed, kissing him again, too, before continuing, "I just -- I didn't want to dissapoint you. I seem to dissapoint people a lot. I don't like when I dissapoint people.." Cas muttered as Dean shook his head. "Cas, you don't have to worry about dissapointing me. Stop apologizing for such little things. It's okay, Cas. I swear. It's perfectly fine." Dean insisted.  

After a while, Cas leaned away for the last time that night.

"I think I'm ready to go to bed.." Cas said tiredly, yawning in front of Dean. "You want me to stay in your bed again?" Dean asked softly, opening his eyes to look back into those perfectly blue ones that lay beautifully on Castiel's face. "Please?" Cas furrowed his brow, Dean nodding. "C'mere, baby." Dean mused, shifting so he was lying down, the side of Cas' head resting on his collarbone.

"You're perfect, Cas. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." Dean said down to him, pressing a firm, yet gentle kiss onto his head. 

They were both in boxers (though, Cas had worn fleece pajama pants to hide his scars) and random T-shirts that were on the floor from earlier, so they fell asleep quick, Cas wrapped protectively in Dean's muscled arms. 

"Absolutely perfect.." Dean praised, telling him other little affirmations until Cas was snoring softly against his chest. He didn't fall asleep until then, too. He hadn't fallen asleep until he saw that Cas was breathing steadily and not moving.

If Dean hadn't made sure everything was okay with Cas before he fell asleep, there would have been a pit in his stomach, or he would have felt like he had done something wrong. 

But luckily, he fell asleep with not a single hole in his stomach, because he had taken good care of Cas that day, and he did good, because he helped his boyfriend get out of a bad place; a bad place he hoped to God Cas wouldn't go back into.

Though, he didn't know that Cas was still on the edge of that bad place, clawing, desperatly trying to get out. Though it kept sucked him in with simple words from people that would pass by him, or small insults from Crowley, or Lucas, or anyone.

No one should have to live in a bad place.

No one should have to live with the pressure of being in bad place, or with the pressure of trying to get out of that bad, horrid, terrible place.

No.

No one should.

Not a single soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things do get better in the next chapter, for it's Valentine's Day!


	8. Hot & Cold, Good & Bad

Valentine's Day.

Oh my, Valentine's Day.

The time when most are alone, when most are calling suicide hotlines, the time when Castiel normally would nearly kill himself.

Though, this year, he wasn't alone.

No, he had Dean Winchester by his side as they sat all curled up in Dean's bed, boxes of Chinese food set out along the comfortor as they picked at it with little chop sticks, having the occasional chop stick sword fight with each other.

They laughed, and they talked, and they ate, and for once, Castiel Novak was outside of his bad place, in the open areas of the good place, taking everything in, and enjoying every moment of it.

It wasn't until they were on done with their food and had thrown everything away until they started talking about a few more personal and edgy topics.

"You have any family other than Sam and Jo?" Cas asked, knowing it was a testy thing to say, though, they were dating, so they may as well just get everything out now.

"Yeah. I got this really great guy named Bobby. He's my dad's old friend, but is basically my surrogate father by now. He's married to this lady named Jody. Oh, she's great. She's real nice." Dean smiled up at Cas, not mentioning a single lick of his father.

Cas smiled warmly, reaching over and taking Dean's hand into his. "I have a dad named Chuck. Two sisters, younger one named Hanna, older one named Anna. I used to have a brother, but you know how that story goes." Cas sighed, looking down to their joined hands, seeing that Dean was rubbing soft circles with his thumb along his skin.

"My dad -- he got real bad. He used to be nice, y'know, when I was a lot younger. But, he started drinking after my mom passed away, things escalated, and eventually, Sammy and I just left. We went to Bobby's, and he took us in. We don't know where our dad is -- his name is John. We blocked him on all of our phones and everything. He was a drunk. And when people get drunk, nothing good comes of it. So.. yeah." Dean sighed, telling the tale as if it were nothing.

Cas didn't know what to say.

He just sat there, like he did in most situations, listening to the music that played softly on the stereo. "I went to this beach once." Cas started, Dean's eyes looking up to his to listen to the story.

"I was younger -- probably fourteen. I had this girlfriend, and she was a bitch, just horrid. I think her name was Hester, or somethin'. I dunno. But we were on this beach, okay? And there was this amazing sunset. This sunset that just captivated me, and I hand to stop, and I had to stare at it because it was just so beautiful. The colors; a mix of blues, purples, oranges, reds, yellows. Hester didn't know what I was doing. And I remember looking over to her, all worried, because somehow, she didn't see the beauty that was placed so perfectly in the sky at that exact moment. And she tried pulling me along, tried to get me to move, but I wouldn't budge, because that sunset was just so perfect, and it was right there, and it was about to die down, so I just had to stay and look at it. The only other time I've ever experienced something so beautiful was probably when we were at the park and you said I was beautiful -- when you said I was perfect. That's my new beach moment, Dean. That's the moment I'm going to think back to when I feel sad or worthless. So thank you, Dean Winchester. Thank you for making my life mean something. Thank you for making me want something to look forward to in the morning."

And the moment was just too perfect, because fuck, it was Valentine's Day, and Cas was right there, and Dean was right there, and Cas' eyes were so beautiful, and he couldn't help lean over and kiss him, right then in there, perfectly, lips crashing against each other's with a hunger that coursed through both of their veins. Though, this hunger wasn't angry, or raging, or forceful. No, it was a hunger for each other than was soft, steady, and easy, and they were moving their lips against each other's in that exact way; soft, steady, and easy.

Dean let Cas push him slowly onto his back, lips still connected, Cas now on top of Dean, knees on either side of his body, pressing soft little kisses onto his boyfriend's lips.

"Dean.." Cas breathed, pulling away for a moment to look down at the man he just named.

"I -- I'm ready." Cas said with a nod, Dean nodding along to his words, kissing him once more before Cas was sitting up and pulling off his shirt, making a show of it, too. Dean stared for a bit, but then was stirring to take off his own shirt, hands moving up to Cas' hips once the fabric was rid of his body.

Cas leaned down and kissed him again, Dean's hands slowly moving past his hips, pushing his pants down past his bottom, and onto his ass, cupping it gently, massaging it to give Cas as much pleasure as he could.. as of now.

And Cas did gasp into Dean's lips at the touch, hips moving towards his hands to tell him it was okay to continue. "Dean.." He breathed, sighing in pleasure as Dean moved slow circles with his thumbs, lightly moving the pads of his fingers along his ass. Though, Cas was moving his lips away from Dean's, only to move them down to the beginning of his neck, making his way to his shoulder, then collarbone, then further, pressing hot kisses with each placement of his lips.

Dean arched his neck into the pillows as Cas worked him. He propped himself up onto his elbows to look at Cas, only to realize his blue eyes had been glued onto his own the entire time. "Cas.." Dean breathed as his mouth reached the 'V' that was placed so perfectly on his body.

Cas didn't answer, only continued, hands moving down to Dean's pants, eyes looking up to Dean's for approval to move on. "Cas, you can go ahead.. God, you can do anything," he said after getting the memo that that's what Cas' eyes were suggesting.

Cas nodded and slid Dean's pants down, then all the way off, before doing the same to Dean's boxers. His eyes actually  _widened_ at the sight of Dean's cock in front of him, because hell, he was big now, huge, really, bigger than anything he's taken, and fuck, he was all his.  _That_ was all his.

Cas traced a single lick of his tongue up Dean's shaft, causing Dean to shudder beneath him from the sudden pleasure. Cas did that until Dean was covered in Cas' saliva, then finally, with his eyes locked onto Dean's, he wrapped his mouth around the head of his dick, moaning around him because  _God_ he looked big, but  _fuck,_ he felt so much bigger in his mouth.

He moved his mouth all the way down Dean's length until he was all the way in Cas' mouth, the head touching the back of Cas' throat.

"Fuck, Cas, so perfect.." Dean breathed, eyes closed from the pleasure as Cas began to bob his head at a very moderate pace. "Absolutely amazing.." He moaned as Cas took him, took all of him, because God, he's been waiting to do this for so long, and now it was happening, and he never wanted it to end.

Cas moaned around him, adding vibration and pleasure to the mix, along with some very erotic moans coming from both of them, making Cas' dick stand straight up.

After another good two or so minutes, Dean's moans and pants got more frantic, because Cas' mouth was just working him too good, and then he was coming into the back of Cas' throat.

Cas gladly swallowed every last ounce of him, his hand coming up and wrapping around his length, stroking him, milking out the last bits of his orgasm as best he could.

"Dean, fuck.." Cas moaned at the sight of his boyfriend's juices spurting out, moaning at the noises Dean was making. Dean looked down at him, the only words flying from his lips being "fuck" and "Cas", because God, that was the best blow job he'd gotten in his whole life.

Cas climbed back up so they were kissing once again, still generally slow kisses, nothing too fierce or hungry. "Cas, are you sure you're ready?" Dean asked after Cas pulled away. "Yeah, Dean, I'm sure." He moaned, and then the two were shifting so Cas could take off his pants, discarding the fabric, afraid of what Dean would say when he saw the scars from January that were pressed on his thighs.

Now, Cas, too, was naked, sitting with his legs spread slightly, scars easily visible to Dean.

"Cas.." Dean said once he saw them, crawling between his legs, tracing his fingers along the lines of skin. "Cas, I told you that you're safe.. you don't have to do this anymore.." Dean breathed, looking up at Cas, who had a blank look on my face. "Dean, I know, I just -- I'm fine now, I'm perfect, really, I promise. Just, please.. I -- I need you.."

Dean nodded, leaning up and pressing a soft kiss onto his lips. "Turn over, baby.." Dean said, grabbing the lube from the drawer that was in the night stand while Cas did as he was told. "Get on your hands and knees?" Dean asked, and then Cas was doing that, too, letting Dean guide him through this.

Cas now had his ass in the air, cheeks flushed red from the feeling of being so exposed, but this was Dean, and he knew he shouldn't be so embarrassed. So he sat there, on his hands and knees, waiting for Dean to do something.

Dean was behind him, on his knees, pouring the lube onto his fingers, then a bit in the crease of Cas' ass, the leftover staying on his fingers.

"Gonna put the first finger in, Cas.." Dean stated, watching Cas nod before he slowly pushed in the first finger, like he said, going to the first knuckle before stopping and letting him stretch around him. "Perfect, Cas.. so tight for me, Cas.." Cas moaned at his praising, gasping a bit as he was opened up for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Dean pushed in further -- to the second knuckle -- before he was thrusting that single finger just a bit, not much, though, but only to stretch him out. "Gonna give you one more finger, but you're gonna need three, Cas." Dean said, slowly pushing in the second finger alongside the first one, making Cas gasp not in pleasure, but pain from the burn.

"I -- I've never had three fingers.." Cas confessed, and then Dean was leaning down over him, pressing kisses along his spine. "It'll be okay, Cas.. I won't hurt you, I promise. The pain will go away soon. Do you trust me?" Dean asked as he stopped his finger movements, his first finger all the way in, though, his second only up to the first knuckle.

Cas took a moment to answer, shifting his ass to get used the pain that Dean's fingers gave. But even though it hurt now, he knew that it would feel good, so, so good soon, so he nodded and said, "yeah. I trust you, Dean."

So Dean proceeded to push in the second finger, trying his best to soothe the pain by kissing the small of his back, free hand moving up and running soothingly down Cas' spine.

After a few minutes, Cas' eyes rolled back into his head and he was moaning, rocking his hips back into Dean's fingers, an invitation for the next finger. "Dean.. last finger.. third finger -- give me the third finger, I'm ready.." Cas moaned, begging for more. Dean gave a sly smirk at the sounds Cas was making and pushed the third finger in, the pleasure that used to be coursing through Cas' veins ceasing and being replaced by a much more painful, stretching pleasure.

"So beautiful, Cas.. so perfect.. all spread out for me like this, so perfect.." Dean breathed, praising Cas so he could get through the burning of being stretched out.

Dean let Cas get fully stretched out, waiting until Cas was moaning and not wincing, which took another couple of minutes. Of course, Cas wouldn't be like this all of the time, probably not after this time, because he'd be used to the pain, and would expect it, or at least, he wouldn't be as tight. It was just, as of now, he hadn't gotten fucked or fingered himself in quite some time, so he was extra tight.

But Cas was moaning, bucking his hips into Dean's touch, pleading again for more; more, this time being Dean's cock, not his fingers.

"Here we go, Cas.." Dean said breathily, pulling his fingers out of Cas' now open hole and positioning himself. He pushed the head in, watching it disappear into Cas' ass as they gasped in unison from the pleasure.

"Dean, fuck.." Cas moaned, rolling his hips into Dean, signalling for him to move further in. He gladly obliged and pushed all the way in, hands on Cas' hips, head buried in the back of Cas' neck as he began to thrust in and out of him, slow, steady, and easy.

"Cas, fuck, you're tight.." Dean moaned, the heat of Cas' ass probably going to make him come for a second time. Cas was feeling too much pleasure to reply, just moved his hips into Dean in unison to his thrusts, the pace absolutely perfect for both of them. Of the hands that was steadying Cas -- one of the hands that was on his hips -- was moved downwards and cupped one of his ass cheeks, rubbing, pressing, rolling against it, making Cas moan and gasp even more.

The stereo had begun playing  _Transatlanticism_ by  _Death Cab For Cutie_ , and it was absolutely perfect, because the pace of the song was slow, yet, picked up pace, and Cas was desperately trying to keep his hands up to support himself, but he couldn't help it. His arms shook, and then his cheek was pressed against the pillows, arms spread lazily beside his body.

"Ungh, fuck," he breathed a moan, Dean's thrusts slowly picking up pace, just like the song was. "Perfect, Cas, so beautiful, just amazing like this, taking it so well for me," Dean mused proudly into his back, biting love marks down his skin.

"T-touch me.." Cas managed after a while, after the guitar solo ended, and the singer was singing again, because the song was building, and so was his orgasm, and he needed to be touched, so Dean did just that. He reached around and began to stroke Cas' dick in rhythm to his thrusts, the 22 year old man beneath him almost instantly coming. Dean's pants grew louder, his moans building until he, too, was coming, though, for him, the second time that night.

"Cas.." Dean panted, still in him, mouth open against Cas' skin, teeth grazing lightly along his spine. "Dean.. that was amazing.." Cas breathed, Dean pulling out of him so he could flop down beside his boyfriend. He pulled Cas up to his chest, wrapping his arms around him, their naked bodies flush against each other's. Cas' head in the crook of Dean's neck, eyes closed, he easily fell asleep, a blissful smile on his face.

" ** _I think I love you."_** Dean breathed, but he knew Cas was asleep, so he knew Cas didn't hear him. Maybe in his dream he did, or maybe he did in his good place.

He hoped it was tucked safely away I'm Cas' good place.

It was definitely somewhere safe in Dean's good place.

He hoped he would stay in this good place, for if he were to leave, he didn't think he'd ever really be able to get back in.

He liked his good place, too.

Though, really, doesn't everyone?


	9. Past The Edge Of Bad

Weeks went by, and Dean had to leave the state for a meeting -- he'd gotten promoted over the course of the February month.

He had said he would be gone for a week, and told Cas not to do anything stupid.

Cas didn't quite obey his orders this time, and had gone to some random party,  _not_  at Crowley's. He did  _not_  want to see a single speck of Crowley's skin after what he had done at the Christmas party.

Cas was bored; it was a Saturday night and Dean wasn't there to watch movies with him, and he had heard about a party with one of the other colleges in the area and thought it'd be fun.

And it was.

He made sure he didn't drink too much, which resulted in only one beer, though lots of dancing and laughing with people who didn't know him.

Except he spotted Crowley from across the room and instantly began to leave, but Crowley saw him, too, and was grabbing him by the arm before he could go.

"Aw, come on, sweetie. You don't seem to have your little friend with you, so why are you here, hm?" Crowley asked with a sly smile. "I came here because I was bored. Now get off of me, Crowley. I'm not gonna punch you again -- I think we both know that." Cas tried his best to leave Crowley's iron grip, but he wouldn't budge.

"Sweets, don't you wanna have some fun?" Crowley mused, pulling Cas along. "I haven't got my friends, Cas. Wouldn't hurt you anymore, I promise." He insisted, Cas' eyes narrowed to Crowley's, who were showing all kinds of trouble. "Come on, dance with me." He continued over the loud music, and Cas had a feeling this would be a lot like what happened with Balthazar, so he finally yanked his arm free of Crowley's hand.

"No." Castiel stated with a glare of anger.

"Come on, Cassie. You know you wanna.." Crowley said with a big, yet welcoming grin. Cas looked at him with widening eyes, caving into Crowley's pleads and actually having fun with him, of all people.

By the end of night and three drinks later, Cas was sitting on Crowley's lap, kissing him, Crowley's hands all over him; on his ass, up his shirt, on his back, on his waist, hips, cheeks, hair, just everywhere.

"Fuck, baby, you're so sweet, but I like it rough." Crowley said with lust heated on his face. "Fuck, take me, fuck me." Cas breathed against his lips, Crowley growling, hands suddenly on his lips, pushing him down onto the couch and just  _taking_  him.

\---

"Mmm, baby, that was good.." Crowley said groggily as he woke up. "I'm so sore.." Cas said with a chuckle, shifting on top of Crowley with a groan. "You're so perfect, Cassie." Crowley breathed, pulling him up for a rough kiss. "I gotta go, Crowley." He said, standing up and pulling on his clothes.

"Baby, come on, you can stay longer,  
can't you? One more round?" He questioned, reaching up to pull Cas back down but he was too far away. "I want to, really, but I'm too sore. I don't wanna not be able to walk." Crowley chuckled at his statement.

Cas walked out the door then drove himself home, a content smile on his face as he continuously shifted in his seat.

Eventually his eyes widened as he walked into the dorm, because holy shit, he just cheated on Dean.

With Crowley.

What the fuck was he thinking?!

There's no fucking way he just did that.. fuck!

He ended up hurting himself again, not because of depression, but because that's what he thought he deserved. He thought that after what he had done with Crowley, of all people, that it was his fault, and that hurting himself was the only way Dean would know how sorry he was.

There was blood on his fingers, his thighs, his wrists, and he felt like he would black out again, but he didn't because he managed to wash the cuts and put bandages over the deeper ones. He was crying a lot, and he couldn't help but think how angry Dean would be. Not only because he cheated on him, but because he had cut himself due to that.

Fuck, he was in trouble.

His phone rang suddenly, and he looked over to see who it was.  _Dean._

"Hey, Cas." Dean said, and Cas could just hear the smile on his face. "Hello, Dean." He tried his best to sound as normal as possible, though his voice was still cracking on occasion. "I'll be home tomorrow, Cas. You okay?" He asked, Cas contemplating whether to be honest or not.

He wasn't honest.

"Yeah, Dean. I'm perfectly fine."

"Mmk. Bye, Cas."

"Goodbye, Dean. See you tomorrow."

The phone clicked off, and Cas went back to crying.

**One Day and Nine Hours Later**

Cas waited for Dean to walk through the door, sitting on his bed with impatience.

When he did finally appear, Dean smiled warmly down at Cas, who was clearly on edge. "Hey, baby." Dean said, walking over to him, taking his face in his hands and kissing him.

"You okay?" Dean asked, scanning his eyes over Cas for any cuts, but couldn't see any due to him being in a sweater and sweatpants. "Yeah, now that you're here." Cas lied, but gave a warm smile up to him for assurance.

Dean's smile widened and he pulled off his own jacket, leaning down and kissing him once again, deepening it by letting his tongue slide into Cas' mouth.

Dean reached over, placing his hands on Cas' cheeks, eventually sliding between his legs and hovering over him. "Cas, baby, I've missed you.." Dean breathed against his boyfriend's lips, and Cas nodded, because he missed Dean, too.

Dean's hands moved and were discarding his own shirt before moving to Cas', revealing the several new cuts that lay on his wrists.

"Cas, you didn't -- what happened?" Dean questioned, holding Cas' wrists in his hands, the man beneath him clearly near tears. "I didn't mean to, Dean, I didn't want to at first, but I don't know what happened and I couldn't stop myself." Cas cried, and Dean paused his movements, taking Cas' face in his hands.

"You're not making any sense, Cas, you gotta tell me what happened.. please, baby, come on." Dean pleaded, desperate to find out exactly what happened.

"I -- I let him touch me, Dean, I'm sorry, I didn't want to at first, he didn't force me, I let him do it, Dean, I'm sorry --" He went on and on, and Dean looked down at him with worry and anger in his eyes. "Who was it, Cas? Was it Balthazar? It was Balthazar, wasn't it? I'm gonna rip his lungs out!" Dean exclaimed, and Cas shook his head through tears.

"Crowley, Dean, it was Crowley.."

"What?"

"I was at a party and he was there and I let him do it. I didn't know what I was thinking, don't -- don't hurt me, please." Cas begged, turning his eyes away from Dean's.

"He fucked you?" Dean asked, looking at him with a blank look. "Y-Yes.."

"Dammit, Cas.." Dean sat back and shook his head.

"Dean, please.." Cas begged, trying to catch Dean's gaze. "Cas, I -- I don't know what to say." His eyes moved across the room, searching for something to look at other than Cas' eyes. "Did you cut your thighs, too?"

"Yeah.."

"Why'd you do this to yourself, Cas?"

"You can hit me, Dean. I'd understand.."

"Cas, stop it. I wouldn't ever hit you, Cas. Don't hurt yourself like this.."

"I didn't know any other way to tell you I was sorry.."

"Cas.. Cas, I forgive you. Just -- just please, don't do it again."

"You forgive me?" Cas' eyes found Dean's, and Dean nodded. "Yeah. I forgive you." Dean leaned down and kissed him to seal the deal.

When Dean pulled away, Cas stared into Dean's eyes, the two contemplating exactly what to say next. Dean rid the silence and smiled softly down at him.

"I love you."

Cas' eyes widened at Dean's unexpected words, lips parting in surprise and amazement. For a moment, he thought,  _no, he's lying, I'm a bad person, I just cheated on him for fuck sakes_ , but Dean didn't seem to be joking. No, he was being serious, and he did actually love Cas, and Cas had no idea what to say back.

Dean's smile widened and then he was leaning back down, kissing his boyfriend through a smile.

But at that moment, the door was being opened, and "Hey, baby, I came to tell you-" could be heard in Crowley's British tainted voice.

"What the fuck?" Crowley claimed, looking at the two menwith anger in his eyes. Dean removed his lips from Cas' and turned towards Crowley, hopping off of the bed, letting Cas lay there for a moment.

"Yeah, Crowley, what the fuck? You fucked my boyfriend, you asshole!" Dean exclaimed, pushing Crowley against the nearest wall and throwing a punch at him. "You're his boyfriend? What the fuck, Cas, you didn't tell me!" Crowley exclaimed, then threw a fist at Dean's face. Cas stood and stared at the two with wide eyes, but it was obvious that Dean was going to win this fight.

"Cas, a little help?!" Crowley shouted after a few more punches and growls from Dean, and Cas just shook his head.

"I love him." Cas stated to the third man in the room with new confidence. 

"I love him, and I don't love you, so you need to get the fuck out of my dorm and you're never going to talk to me again." Cas ordered, Dean stopping his punches and letting Crowley do just that. Dean turned towards Cas, only a single bruise on his face, though, it still wasn't much. 

"Cas.." Dean breathed, staring at Cas, the Cas that just said he loved him, too. Dean walked slowly over to Cas, putting one hand on his hip, the other cupping his cheek once he got to him. Cas' head tilted into the touch. "I'm sorry -- I'm sorry for everything.." Cas breathed, closing his eyes, unable to see that Dean was shaking his head. "I love you, Cas." Was the only other thing Dean said before he was kissing his lover, soft and easy, the way he knew Cas needed.

They made love slow that night, like they always did, Dean telling Cas how beautiful he was and how much he loved him the whole time.

And Dean had kissed and traced every one of Cas' cuts, old or new, faded or not, and he told him how that with him there, he shouldn't hurt himself like that. How with him there, he'd do everything to make Cas happy, everything to make Cas feel safe, and everything to make Cas feel loved. Because Dean WInchester truly loved this perfect human being by the name of Castiel Novak, and the fact that that was something they could both rely on made him happy.

It put them both deeper into their good place. It wasn't far, but it was enough, because Cas was out of his bad place, and that's all Dean needed to stay in his good place.

 


	10. Early April Happenings

**"Dean, why do you want to go to an Easter carnival?"**

They had been walking mindlessly through that same, small, perfect little park somewhere in the vicinity of the Stanford area, though was barely a speck of land in comparison to the entirety of the California state.

"It'd be fun, Cas. Come on, let me take you out on a date. We can ride rides, eat cotton candy, come on, it'd be great." Dean insisted, Cas' head moving from side to side in thought. "You're paying for everything." Cas said with a big grin, clearly on the verge of what must have been a full laugh. "Ugh! Why do you have to make me do everything around here?" Dean teased, sentence exaggerated, him too with a large grin place so perfectly along his face.

After a few silent moments of just walking and holding hands in the early April California air, Dean nodded. "Yeah, I'll pay, Cas." Dean agreed to his boyfriend's pleads, looking down to his prodigius eyes like they were his whole word. "Thank you, Dean." Cas placed a light, most innocent of kisses on Dean's cheek while they walked through trees on the gravel path at a slow pace, a speed they had grown accustomed to over the time they were at the park.

"I love you." Dean said down to Cas with a tilt of his head and a warm, welcoming smile. 

"I love you, too, Dean Winchester."

"Why do you say my full name sometimes?" 

"I dunno. It seems fitting. Doesn't it?" 

Dean shrugged, but kept a consistent smile along his perfect lips. "I guess it does. Just -- don't say my full name during sex." Dean blushed a tremendous red, the tinted skin spreading as far as the back of his neck. "Fine, fine. If you insist." Cas teased, the couple continuing their walk through what seemed like an endless park in their eyes.

Probably because they were together, and when they were together, time seemed so slow, as if it wanted to keep them locked together, not necessarily in that same position, but just so that they could really live through what was happening. And maybe, just maybe, they'd stay in that moment in some other place, probably in their good place, forever.

And maybe, just possibly, their forever was starting there, right there, in that insignifticent park. And although it would just be some park, and would forever remain some park, maybe even in their own minds. But really, the universe would know that a new forever began there, and the universe intended to keep that forever safe in the pile of other forevers.

**\---**

"You asked me why I said your full name yesterday." Cas started, looking up at Dean who was beneath him, legs tangled together due to having just woken up from sleep, Cas' arm draped across Dean's upper torso, hand resting on his shoulder, Dean's fingers running mindlessly through Castiel's silky black hair. "Yeah." Dean mumbled, peering down to him with a blank face.

"Well, I think I say it because it sort of completes you, I guess. I mean -- I'm not going to say 'Dean Winchester' everytime I call for you, of course, but I just think it makes you sound complete and, I mean, I dunno. Saying your full name sort of finishes things. I don't know -- I thought that was important to say, I guess." Cas said with a slight shake of his head.

Dean didn't say anything.

He just laid there, eyes not looking anywhere in particular on Cas' face.

"That's really nice, Cas." Dean smiled down at him before Cas was being pulled up for a kiss. Cas chuckled softly as he moved his lips against Dean's with no rhyme or rhythm, just love. 

Dean bit playfully at Cas' lower lip, a teasing grin along his face as he did so. When he pulled away, Cas rested the side his head back on Dean's collarbone as the blonde man checked the time. "Go back to sleep, baby. It's only eight." Dean said softly, letting his hand roam back up to Cas' hair and once again run through it.

Cas gnawed playfully on Dean's collarbone for a bit, just because he could, before he ceased his teething and fell back asleep, slow, easy breaths against Dean's flesh.

Dean had placed a gentle kiss on Cas' head and pulled him closer, wrapping himself in the warmth of the body that was pressed so beautifully against his. He, too, was falling back asleep, fingers tangled in Cas' hair, his other wrist over the arm that was across his chest.

He fell easily off the cliff of consciousness and into the canyon of unconsciousness, a content smile the whole way down.

How could he not smile when he had such a beautiful, perfect, spectacular man cradled in his arms? 

**One and a Half Hours Later**

Dean had let Cas sleep a while longer -- he'd woken up before him and just ran his fingers through his hair, or along his arm, a content smile on his face. For a while, he just did those little touches while Cas slept, thinking about nothing in particular, just random little things. 

After a while of mindless thoughts, he turned his gaze down to Cas, and for a moment, just stared at his sleeping face, looked at his parted lips, his relaxed expression, and just how truly perfect his facial structure was. "Cas, baby, wake up. We've got a carnival to go to." Dean said softly down to what was now his shifting boyfriend, Cas' legs moving over Dean's as if to find a more comfortable position. 

"What time is it?" Cas questioned, looking up into Dean's eyes with a yawn. "Ten thirty." Dean replied, pulling Cas closer once again. "It's Saturday, right?" Cas rubbed his eyes, then returned his hand to where it rested somewhere mindlessly on Dean's torso. "Yeah, it's Saturday." Dean smiled warmly down at him, pads of his fingers and nails continuing to run aimlessly along Castiel's arm like it was made of glass and one wrong touch would break it. 

Cas shifted once more, this time to lean upwards and place a kiss on his lips, a kiss Dean gladly returned before Cas was moving off the bed and getting clothes out of the drawer. They''d been in their boxers, and that night, had slept in Dean's bed. It never mattered exactly which bed they fell asleep in, so it switched around whether they slept in Cas or Dean's bed.

Cas slipped on some dark blue skinny jeans then a red T-shirt, then his shoes, all the while able to tell that Dean's eyes were on his dressing body. Of course, he didn't mind it -- they'd seen each other naked many of times, so it was a normal occurence by now. 

Once Castiel was finished dressing, Dean had only his pants on, a toothbrush in his mouth. They breezed by each other, looking around for things to take to the carnival. After the two had finished brushing their teeth, and before Dean had his shirt back on, Cas put his hand lightly on Dean's muscled chest and stole a kiss from his lips. Dean just smiled and wrapped an arm around Cas' waist, pulling him closer so their pelvis' were pressed against each other's.

"Hi." Dean said with a teasing grin, Cas' hand still trapped between the two on Dean's abdomen. "Hello, Dean." Cas said up to him before Dean was kissing all over his face; on his nose, his cheeks, his forehead, his temples, his chin, just  _everywhere._ "I love you." He mumbled through kisses, making Cas smile more than he already was. "I -- love -- you -- too," was all he managed between the plants of Dean's lips on his face. 

After another few moments, Dean had stopped and moved to put on a random black T-shirt that showed off his biceps rather well, which made Cas smile, but he didn't mention anything about it. 

"You ready?" Cas asked as he walked out of the bathroom and looked at Dean, who had just finished tying his shoes. "Yeah." Dean replied as he slipped his wallet into the back of his pants then stood, grabbing his keys then taking Cas' hand and walking out the door.

**Somewhere Around Thirty Minutes Later**

"We're here." Dean muttered, looking over to Cas who at the time, had been peering aimlessly out the window of the Impala. His blue eyes turned over to Dean's impossibly green ones, and he nodded. "This is kind of a huge carnival." Cas said with an amazed expression as he stepped out of the car, their hands rejoicing almost instantly. "Yeah, so we're gonna have fun." Dean smiled down at his boyfriend as the two weer led to the ticket booth to buy tickets for rides and such.

"Where to, Sir Novak?" Dean teased after their tickets were bought, which included one hundred red tickets that would be their access passes to the rides. They had bought so many because Dean had planned to be there for some time, and one hundred tickets were only twenty five dollars, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

"Ferris wheel, Sir Winchester." Cas replied with his own set of shown teeth as Dean guided him to the generally large ferris wheel. It was nothing too impressive, but wasn't just for kids, thus allowing the couple to easily fit into the little box that carried them in a circle on the wheel. 

The ferris wheel cost five tickets per person, leaving them with ninety tickets now as their feet shuffled into a seat, luckily, alone.

After a few moments of people getting into their seats, the ride shifted, and the wheel was moving, slowly, like all ferris wheels did. 

Cas turned to Dean with a warm smile, realizing that they both had their spectacurely colored eyes focused on each other's lips. Soon, they were kissing soft and sweet, barely any tongue involved, which caused for a much more romantic sense to things. "I like it up here." Cas said after pulling back, looking around to see everything. "It's nice and romantic." Cas continued, their fingers intertwining between where their legs rested on the torn leather seats.

"I guess it is." Dean smiled down at Cas before he too was taking a moment to look at the view. It was a beautiful Easter April day, sun shining down on everyone, yet wind blowing softly to rid of the hotter air. Barely any clouds could be seen in the California sky, making the day all the more pretty and perfect.

A few more full circles and they were off the ride, just walking around now, looking for their next ride to take on. Of course, their previous one was nothing, but Dean expected Cas to ride one of those aggravatingly fast spin rides. Where not only the ride itself spun, but the seats in which you sat spun, too. 

"Come oooon! It'll be fun! I promise, you won't puke." Dean said with a sly grin as they walked hand in hand through the carnival. "I don't know, Dean, I don't think I can do it." Cas sighed, looking at Dean with a worried look. "I won't let anything happen to you, I promise!" Dean insisted, Castiel caving and getting onto the ride with him. 

Dean squeezed Cas' hand in the seat, assuring him that he was  _not_ going to die, and that he was safe, next to Dean, like he should be, and like he always will be.

The ride started, and Cas' eyes were wide with tears from the wind, not of crying, and Dean was laughing, enjoying everything for the next short-lived minute of the spinning, for what Cas had called Hell. 

"Dean, this is no longer funny!" Cas exclaimed, which only made Dean laugh even more until the rotating stopped. The two climbed dizzily off the ride, Cas squeezing Dean's hand for dear life. "Oh, man! That was awesome!" Dean laughed, Cas' stern glare clearly a sign of pure hatred for that particular ride. "Come on. Let's go get some cotton candy." Dean suggested, pulling Cas along. "Dean, I don't think that'd be a good idea after what we just experienced." "Just come on!" 

**Four Hours Later**

"Dean, it's getting chilly." Cas complained, leaning up against Dean's body for warmth. "You wanna go home?" Dean asked. Besides, they only had five tickets left, which wouldn't qualify for any of the rides or games. Dean had won Cas two stuffed animals, one of them being a fluffy, soft little teddy bear, the other one being a fluffy, soft,  _huge_ teddy bear that went up to Dean's waist and up to about Cas' hips.

"Yeah." Cas replied, Dean nodding to his request. "Did you like the carnival?" Dean asked as they began to walk out to the impala. "Yeah, it was really fun." Cas smiled up to Dean, opening his mouth to say something else. "Though, everything's fun with you." He said smoothly, which made Dean laugh. "Good point." Dean muttered with a grin as he opened the door for Cas, then moved over to the driver's seat and sat down.

They arrived back at the dorm at about five o'clock and just sat on Cas' bed, watching Netflix in just their boxers, Cas all cuddled up between Dean's legs, back flush against Dean's muscled chest, Dean's arms wrapped loosely around Cas' waist. As for the teddy bears, they were thrown somewhere under the bed by request from Cas -- he had said if they were sat on top of the dresser, he'd be embarrassed while they had sex becaues they were "looking at them". 

They did though, have sex that night.

Soft and slow, like it always was, thrusts steady, kisses easy like they always were.

And Cas could tell sometimes that when they had sex, Dean would want to go a bit rougher and a bit faster, but he wouldn't because he knew that Cas was someone who needed slow. He knew that if things went too fast, or rough, or hard, things would heat up too quickly and explode.

So Dean would keep himself from doing something too fast, and was perfectly okay with that most of the time, because then he could savor every moment more than one could during a session of rough sex.

They ended up falling on top of each other, limbs all tangled, wrapped in each others arms like they should be.

Of course, Dean had kissed the top of Cas' head and told him how beautiful he was and perfect until he fell asleep. By the time Dean's breathing steadied, he was already being pulled into a sweet Saturday night sleep, with no worries for that Sunday. No worries at all, really. He hadn't had any serious worries ever since Cas had told him he loved him.

It's  strange how love works.

But it works.

And you don't question it because there's no point in questioning true bliss, is there?

 


	11. Silk & Lace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically all porn, but Idgaf because it's hot as shit. You're welcome. Continue.

**He'd been thinking on it.**

Thinking on how now, Dean was constantly trying to keep himself from just  _ramming_ into him when they had sex. He'd been thinking on how, yes, he loved the little whispers, soft kisses, small praises, but then again, he liked the exact opposite of those things, too.

At first, Castiel had liked, needed, and wanted the slow sessions of love making that they had done together, but now, he was getting a bit more needy.

Needy to the point where he had gotten some very special things for Dean while he was out and about in his classes sometime in late-April and was just now getting to them in the middle of May, before all the finals ended and people had Summer off. And now, he was alone in the dorm, putting on everything he needed to get Dean to just  _take him_ like he wanted.

He had bought black panties, a frilly black little garter belt that barely went past the middle of his ass, a litlte pink bow on the front, and laced thigh-highs, all black, all showing off exactly what he was going to give to Dean once he got back to the dorm. Though, the garter had light pink stripes that went all the way, just below where the thigh-highs ended, matching pink bows on either leg. He had  _almost_ gotten black heels to wear, but decided not to, just for the sake of comfortability. 

Surprisingly, the panties were incredibly comfortable, something he would probably tell Dean and say that he might wear them from then on, or at least get more pairs for later days. 

He knew Dean liked women, which basically says 'hey, wear sexy lingerie for me', so he had a feeling Dean would like what he was wearing very much.

Eventually, by about six PM, the sound of the door unlocking could be heard and Cas quickly got into the hottest position he could pull by grapping a book and laying on his stomach, letting his legs go upwards and dangle there, ass on show. Dean wasn't looking at him the instant he got inside, and was muttering something about something that had happened in one of his classes before he was locking eyes with Cas'.

His jaw actually  _dropped_ because holy mother of sin, the sight in front of him was too hot to handle.

"Cas.." Dean breathed, raking his eyes over every inch of Cas' body, a blank look on his face. Cas was standing and walking over to Dean before he could say another word, standing right in front of him, lace against denim, pelvis against pelvis. He bit down on his lower lip as Dean put his hands on Cas' sides, fingertips running over his skin with delicacy, 

"Jesus, Cas.." Dean muttered, marveling at how perfect and how amazing Cas looked at that exact moment. Cas blushed, staring into Dean's moving eyes, trying to read his expressions, but nothing gave way through his face. 

"You got all dolled up for me.. fuck, you're beautiful, Cas, you're amazing.." Dean breathed, eyes going back up to Cas', lips connecting with Cas', soft, slow, and easy, the way Cas loved, but didn't quite want as of now. They'd save slow sex with panties for another day.

When Dean pulled away, Cas leaned up and pressed his lips against Dean's ear. "Fuck me." He breathed seductively, Dean's eyes widening at his words. When Cas' face was back in front of his, Dean's pupil's were blown, one hand pressing into the small of Cas' back, the other curling into his tousled black hair. They stood like that for a moment before Dean was gripping Cas' hair tight, crashing his lips roughly against Cas', all hunger and want.

Cas moaned, clearly approving as he wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, eyes fluttering closed. 

Dean moved the two back, pushing Cas up against the nearest empty wall, Cas almost instantly getting the memo and jumping up, letting Dean put his hands on his ass and his arms under his thighs, supporting him. Cas' arms resting around Dean's neck, the two kissing like fate of the world depended on it.

"Fuck, got yourself dressed up for me so we could do this -- so I could fuck your tight hole harder than before." Dean panted against Cas' lips. "Yeah, fuck, want you to fuck me hard, want you to fuck me like an animal. Make me suck your dick, make me gag on your cock, please." Cas panted, Dean's eyes widening at this new side of Cas -- a side of Cas he'd never seen before -- a side of Cas he intended to see more of.

"Wanna get your mouth fucked open? Yeah?" Dean panted between rough, wanton kisses, Cas nodding vigorously to his dirty questions. Dean smirked, then was lifting Cas over to the bed, throwing him onto the mattress. Dean took off his clothes, stroking himself a few times to get fully hard before he was lying against the head board, legs spread, an invitation for Cas to come and take a lick.

The blue eyed man crawled over to him, a predatory look in his eyes as he shifted between his legs. He ducked his head down, licking all over his cock until it was shining with Cas' spit. Not until then did he wrap his mouth around him, instantly beginning to bob his head. Dean, who clearly thought his pace was too slow, brought one of his hands up and kneaded it roughly through Cas' hair, controlling the movement of his head. Cas' eyes closed, tears forming at the edges of his eyes from being gagged, but he liked it just a bit too much, so he didn't do anything but let out explicit moans.

"Fuck, Cas, so hot like this, so hungry for my cock. Takin' it so well, begging to gag yourself on it like the fucking slut you are. Dressed like this for me, fuck, such a whore for it." Dean panted, gasping and moaning at the sensation of Cas' mouth around him. The vibrations from Cas' moans rung through his dick, to his balls, making him moan louder than before in pleasure, Cas' eyes lifting up to Dean's at the noise he had just made. 

"Fuck." Dean said at the sight of Cas' eyes placed so perfectly on his all of the sudden. 

Wait.

No, he couldn't be.

_But he is._

He has  _mascara on._ Fucking  _mascara. Holy shit._

Dean smirked, because fuck, the mascara made his blue eyes look so much bluer, and the panties he was wearing made his ass look so much more perfect, and fuck, he'd could probably come just from looking at him. 

"Shit, baby, gonna come, fuck..!" Dean exclaimed, white hot cum spurting into Cas' pretty, fucked open mouth in thick ropes. Cas kept his mouth around him the whole time, lapping up every since bit of the white liquid, moaning around him to milk it all out. Once everything was out, Cas unlatched his mouth from Dean's cock and looked up at him with impossibly innocent, mascara lined eyes.

"Baby, c'mere." Dean muttered, Cas doing as told and leaning upwards, Dean stealing a hot, rough kiss from his lips. Dean could taste his own cum on Cas' tongue, but fuck if he cared. "Fuck, baby, love you so much.." He breathed, Cas nodding along to his words. "Please, Dean..." He begged after just a moment too long of kissing.

Dean chuckled softly to himself before he was gently pushing Cas onto his stomach, telling him to get onto his hands and knees so he could be fucked like an animal, just like he had asked. Dean got up behind him, pushing Cas' panties to the side, not giving Cas any warning before he was trying something new. That something new being pressing his tongue inside of Cas' hole, giving Castiel sensations he's never had in his life before.

"Fuck, Dean!" Cas exclaimed, and thank God the walls were soundproof because he was moaning like a fucking whore. Dean didn't answer, he just continued to eat him out, no specific manner to it, but definitely not a neat one. Cas rocked back against his face, desperately trying to get his tongue to delve deaper into his hole, but was a feeble attempt.

Dean was only doing this until he could be able to come again, then he'd fuck Cas like he wanted him to. 

The tongue-fucking wasn't as stimulating as Cas wanted it to be, and knew it could be much more pleasurable, but Dean intended on making him last long. Eventually, about four minutes later, Dean was moving his mouth out of Cas' ass and lubing up his fingers, sticking two inside his pretty pink hole at once.

"Dean.." Cas moaned, rocking back into his fingers, this time actually getting him to go deeper. "So needy, Cas..." Dean chuckled softly, pressing the third finger in, scissoring all three to stretch him out. The pain of being stretched mixed with the larger pleasure of having fingers inside of him was almost too much, but he would hold out. Another minute later and he was all stretched out, Dean slicking up his cock with the lube that was left over on his fingers, positioning himself and slowly pushing the head in.

He always loved the way he disappeared into Cas' ass, and always loved the way he convulsed so beautifully around him. But he wasn't going to take time to stare and watch himself slowly enter like he normally did -- no, not at all. Because Cas was already begging to be fucked harder, so he did just that.

He had thought it would be hot as fuck to leave Cas' panties on while he fucked  him, just pushing them to the side so he could enter. He had thought it would be hot as fuck to watch his cum leak out of Cas' ass and onto the black lace, and hot as fuck to see Cas' cum press into the front of the panties. So he had left them on for just those reasons.

"Dean, faster, please.." Cas begged, dropping his head. Clearly Dean wasn't matching the right pace, but  _oh,_ two could play that game.

"You wanna get fucked, Cas? I'll show you a good fuck." Dean growled, and then he was mercilessly pounding his hips against Cas' ass, making a breath hitch in Cas' throat every time he basically  _stabbed_ against his prostate. Cas was getting so fucked out, moaning so much, panting so hard, arms shaking so much to the point where he just let his arms give way, sloping his back down, making him look even more fucked-out and presented for Dean. All for Dean.

"Cas, fuck, baby, so hot.." Dean panted, hands holding an iron grip on Cas' hips to keep him steady. He ducked down so his nose was between Cas' shoulder blades, still going at the fastest pace he could possibly go, snapping his hips brutally back and fourth, in and out, in a manner that most definitely did  _not_ have a rhythm to it. "Fuck, love your dick, Dean.." Cas breathed, getting an almost immediate reaction from his boyfriend. "Jesus, Cas, talk dirty more.." He begged, teeth biting against Castiel's skin.

"Love being your dirty little slut. I'll take your dick any day." Cas went on. "Feel so good, Dean.. wanna get fucked open every time I look at you." Cas continued. "Fuck, Dean, make me so fucking hard.." Dean groaned huskily at that. "Gonna make me come just from hearing you talk like that, fuck.." Dean panted, a growl escpaing his lips.

"Wanna feel you inside me even when we've stopped. Wanna feel the effects of us fucking, the bruises you leave inside me as a reminder of how fucking hard you rammed into me. Wanna not be able to walk for a week." Cas added, curses just making Dean's hips snap somehow even faster. 

"Fuck, Cas..." Dean breathed, and then Cas was coming, all pants, screams, and groans, unholy little things spilling so naturally off his lips, his white cum tainting the black lace panties just like Dean wanted.

And when Dean came, he tried to pull out but didn't quite make it, spilling hot and sticky between Cas’ thighs and over his panty-covered ass, marking up the pretty, sweaty skin under him where he’s red from Dean’s grabbing hands, and he forces the head of his cock back in so that Cas’ tight, clenching ass can squeeze the last few spurts from him, and it’s sticky and messy and Cas just moans at how filthydirty _hot_  it is to feel Dean covering him like that, Dean’s come sliding down between his legs and onto his thigh-highs.

"Dean.." Cas panted, cheek digging into the matress, eyes closed, hands gripping the sheets for dear life. "Dean, kiss me.." Cas breathed, and then Dean was leaning down even further, still sheathed in Cas' ass, pressing a slow kiss onto his lips. "I love you, Cas." Dean breathed against his lips, and Cas nodded, 

Dean pulled out of him after a bit, taking a moment to relish how red, fucked-out, and open Cas was. He could easily push two fingers in and still have room on either side of his fingers, but he didn't. He just let his cum dry on Cas' thighs, which clearly Cas didn't have much problem with. Dean plopped himself down beside Cas, pulling his body up on top of his chest so his black-haired head rested on his collarbone.

"I think I'm gonna buy more panties and start wearing them. Not every day, no, not at all, but more often." Cas explained with a little grin, heart still beating fast. "Yeah?" Dean looked down at him with a cocked brow, a grin on his face. "I'll look forward to that." Dean chuckled softly to himself before he was pressing a kiss onto the top of Cas' head. 

Cas curled up against him, eyes closing, falling asleep easily.

"You are so perfect and so beautiful that I can't even put it into words, Castiel Novak. I'm gonna marry you someday, I bet. And we can live with white-picket fences and a nice house and it'll be great, Cas. It'll be just great. I promise, Cas. I promise."

 

 


	12. An Abundance of Lazy

Dean woke up slow, peering his eyes open, fixing onto the mess of tousled black hair that was rested on his collarbone. He smiled, then was smacking his lips, blinking repeatedly until he was fully awake. His head turned to the clock:  _10:20._ Of course, it was Summer vacation, so lazy days were of large abundance.

"Cas.." Dean breathed, his arm that wasn't tucked around his boyfriend reaching over and grabbing his iPhone. Cas' eyes almost instantly lifted up to Dean's, and the green-eyed man realized he hadn't been asleep, but just resting. "Good morning.." Cas let out a big yawn, Dean finding himself instinctively running his fingers along Cas' arm. Cas smiled warmly up at his lover with a glazed over, tired look on his face.

"Morning, Cas." Dean mumbled down to him.

Cas let his fingers curl against Dean's chest, and Dean could tell he was thinking something through. Eventually, he spoke up.

"I was wondering if maybe -- maybe you wanted to move into an off-campus apartment with me. You don't have to, I mean, it was just an idea, because it's small here, and --" But Dean was pulling him up and kissing him before he could finish. "Yeah, Cas. I'll move into an apartment with you." He smiled against Cas' lips, letting out a relaxed sigh.

That was  _much_ easier than Cas expected.

"I love you." Cas muttered, and Dean peaked what was a closed eye down to Cas.

"I love you, too." He smiled then was pressing a kiss onto Cas' shoulder before he was standing. He let his hand drift down Cas' arm, just the pads of his fingers, until their touch was lost and Cas was moving across the room.

"Is it the fourth of July?" He asked in realization of the date. "Yeah, I think so." Dean pulled his phone up to his face and checked. "Yeah, it is." He nodded, watching Cas from the bed, a content smile on his face. "Are we doing anything?" He asked after silence, then Dean was reaching out for Cas, wanting him back in the bed. Cas tilted his head down at him with furrowed brow, his own grin along his face before he climbed back into bed next to him.

"Do you want to do anything?" Dean asked, arms wrapping around his boyfriend and pulling him closer so their chests were flush against each other's. "I don't care. As long as I'm near you, s'all." Cas replied, eyes closed. "Yeah?" Dean smiled, then was resting his chin on top of Cas' head. "You can go back to sleep, baby. I'll be right here. I won't wake you up." Dean said softly, but Cas was shaking his head.

"I won't fall asleep. I'm just resting my eyes." Cas chuckled softly to himself, Dean returning the same soft laugh.

"So," Dean began, "on a scale from one to ten, how much do you love me?"

"Does infinitely count? Eternally, maybe? **Endlessly**?"

Dean smiled, liking the way the word rolled off Cas' tongue, like he'd said it a million times before.

"Endlessly?" Dean asked after a moment or two, and Cas was shifting his head in a nod. "Yeah, endlessly."

They didn't say anything after that, letting the silence become their friend, letting the heat of their skin become their warmth. Some might say it was lazy; to lie around like that for so long, awake, at least. Some might say it was unhealthy; to not get up and move.

Though, they didn't think that, because what was healthy for them was being close, and that was what they needed; something they couldn't live without.

So some might say that was healthy; to love someone so much.

So some might say that was healthy; to need to be near the one you loved so often.

That's what they said.

That's what they  _knew._

\---

Dean had just run steady fingers over Cas' back, along his shoulders, on his neck, easy, soft, slow movements, like Cas was once again made of fine glass. And he was very content like that, and he was thinking, but not necessarily focused on that, to the point where he knew he was thinking about  _something_ but didn't know what that something was, or how exactly got to thinking about that certain something.

Cas never fell asleep, just like he said he wouldn't, occasionally sniffling, or shifting against Dean. After a while, they were both getting hungry, so Dean shifted backwards a bit so he could look at Cas' peaceful face.

Then Cas' blue eyes were fluttering open, vast oceans of innocence lying right there in his gaze, and Dean didn't think he could be any more beautiful at that exact moment. He was smiling a bit, but it was a tired smile, the ones you get when someone makes a joke right when you wake up and you aren't awake enough to laugh as hard as you would. Or the smile you get when you're so content, so peaceful, that that's all you can manage to do.

It was perfect.

It was beautiful.

"Cas.." Dean breathed, not wanting to ruin what was in front of him, but he had to. His stomach was growling, and he needed food. "Baby, I need to eat something. Do you want to go down to the cafe with me?" Dean questioned, Cas nodding, rutting against Dean slowly, but not loosening his arms around him, just pulling him closer.

"That means you gotta let me move."

"Idunwanna."

"Caaas.." Dean pouted, but he was just joking.

"Shush." Cas said through a smile, keeping his eyes closed.

"Listen."

"What?"

"You hear that?"

"No."

"Oh, right. I know what it is. It's the sound of my boyfriend  _not talking._ " Cas laughed, and then Dean was pulling him all the way in, smothering his face in kisses. The last one was planted on his lips, ending in a big  _mwah_ that made Cas smile even wider.

"Come on. I need some man-food." Dean tried his hardest to get out of Cas' grip, but Cas didn't falter. "Then blow me." Cas said, still not peeking his eyes open. Dean tilted his head to the side a bit, thinking it was sarcasm. "Come on. You know you wanna.." Cas opened his eyes,  _finally,_ and Dean looked at him with a furrowed brow, but wasn't exactly going to say no.

So Cas loosened his grip around Dean and turned himself over on his back, letting Dean do the rest. He let his legs spread, his head turned to look at Dean, who slowly turned and crawled on top of Cas, pressing a hot kiss onto his lips before he was trailing those same kisses down his torso. He kept his eyes glued onto Cas', a predatory look in his eyes as his face hovered over his crotch.

Dean pulled Cas' boxers down with his teeth, hand coming up and stroking him until he was fully hard before he was wrapping his mouth around him, Cas' eyes fluttering closed at the feeling. Dean took his time with him, knowing Cas didn't care how slow or fast he went -- he just cared if his mouth was around his dick.

Cas' hand moved up and slowly kneaded through Dean's hair, soft little moans escaping his lips, occasionally a hitch in his breath when Dean would let Cas touch the back of his mouth, or he would lick a perfect line on that perfect spot.

"God, Dean, you know what's perfect for me.." Cas breathed, a moan at the end of his sentence. Dean didn't stop to answer, only cherished the feeling of such gentle fingers in his hair.

He eventually closed his eyes, submerging himself completely on what he was doing to Cas. He may or may not have moaned around him, but if he did, hell if he cared -- it would just give Cas even more pleasure.

After another good two minutes, Cas was moaning a bit much. "Dean -- Dean, I'm gonna come, Dean, fuck.." Cas panted, and then he was coming down Dean's throat, breaths heavy. Dean moved his mouth off of Cas' dick and replaced it with his hand, stroking everything out of him, licking up whatever was left.

Cas looked down at him with those perfect blue eyes of his, Dean's own set of beautiful eyes locked onto Cas', tongue still running up and down his boyfriend's dick. "I still need food." He complained, and Cas laughed a bit before it was silenced by Dean suddenly lifting himself up and placing an easy kiss onto his lips.

" _Ugh._ Fine." Cas smiled, pressing another kiss onto Dean's lips. Dean grinned, then was sitting up and standing. He pulled on a black T-shirt and some jeans. Cas put on a light blue button up tee and red skinny jeans, eye peering over to the side to look at Dean. "Are we gonna see the fireworks?" Cas asked as Dean wrapped his arms aorund his waist.

"Do you wanna see the fireworks?"

"Of course." Cas smiled, leaning his head against Dean's shoulder, closing his eyes, letting out a content sigh. Dean pressed an open-mouthed kiss at Cas' neck, Cas' lips parting in a gasp. "Dean.. I'm getting hungry.." Cas breathed, Dean nodding through his kisses then ceasing. "Aw, fine." Dean grinned, pulling away to put his own shoes on.

Five minutes later and they had both brushed their teeth and put both their shoes on. Dean took Cas' hand before they left the dorm and went down the two flights of stairs to the impala. They headed to the cafe, like they said they would, Cas having brought a book and sitting down beside Dean, mindlessly eating a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Dean kept a hand on Cas' thigh, nothing too tedious.

"I love the way this book is written. It's very poetic, beautiful, and very descriptive. I really like it." Cas smiled, flipping the page, Dean lifting his head from his laptop, food on a plate beside the computer. "What?" Dean asked, oblivious to Cas' words about the book he was reading. "I said I really like this book. You should read it." Cas kept his gaze on the words on the page.

"Me? Read a book? For fun?" Dean joked, leaning into Cas' shoulder before his eyes were back on the screen of his lap top. Cas breathed out a chuckle, Dean grinning, going back to his work. Cas would occasionally lean over and bite playfully at Dean's ear, keeping his eyes on his book, though. Dean would just laugh and lean into his boyfriend's careful touch, the easy little movements making Dean just love Cas so much more.

After a while, they had both finished their food. It was 1:35, and neither of them knowing exactly what to do in the meantime. They paid the bill, and went back to the impala.

"What now?" Cas asked, laying his book down in his lap. "I don't know." Dean replied with a sigh, putting the keys in the ignition. "Not much is open..." Cas complained, Dean beginning to drive off before he continued, "so maybe we could just watch Netflix or somethin'." He finished, Dean bobbing his head, pursing his lips. "I guess. But then we gotta go to the amiptheatre for the fireworks."

Cas nodded.

"Alright. What time is that at?"

"Well, people will start piling in at about five thirty. So we can leave any time before six. I know that Sam will be there, but I'm not sure if Jo will. I think she got somethin' with her girlfriend Charlie instead." He turned and smiled, but quickly put his eyes back on the road. "Okay." Cas agreed, simply, quickly, easily.

\---

**5:12**

"You wanna go soon?" Dean asked down to Cas, who had his head in his lap, facing the TV. The blue-eyed man shifted so he looked up at Dean, back of his head in his lap, now. "Mmyeah.." He mumbled, Dean's fingers running mindlessly through his hair.

"Or.. we could go on the roof and watch from here." Dean suggested with a crooked grin, Cas' eyes lighting up. "Really?"

"Yeah, really."

Cas leaned up and wrapped his hands loosely around Dean's neck. Dean placed an arm under his shoulders and pulled him up, pressing a warm kiss onto his lips, just enough tongue in the mix. "One more episode. You said the fireworks don't start until six, and it's five twenty."

Dean sighed in defeat, but he was still smiling, and he was still happy. "Fiiinnee.." Dean let Cas get comfortable again, his hand returning to stroke easily through Cas' tousled black hair. Dean barely even looked at the TV: his gaze was on Cas, content smile on his lips.

Cas had sensed eyes on him, but he didn't care. He just let himself relax into the feeling of such loving fingers on his head.

Such a loving person next to him.

\---

"Okay, Cas, baby, it's time to see the fireworks."

"Mmkay.." Cas mumbled. He stumbled out of bed, pulling Dean up with him, Dean pecking Cas' cheek before he was sliding over to the door with Cas' hand in his own.

Cas laughed as he was pulled out of the dorm and up the multiple flights of stairs and out the door to the roof. Dean set the two blankets he had snagged down on a more slanted part, one part that was a bit higher up, and had a good angle to the way of the fireworks.

Cas cuddled up into Dean's side, Dean wrapping his arm around him so his fingers ran loosely along Cas' arm, like he loved to do.

"Dean, look." Cas shifted, and looked off into the distance, Dean following his gaze and staring. A firework shot into the sky and exploded with a crackle, Dean's eyes full of wonder and amusement, a crooked smile on both of their faces. "Woah.." Cas breathed as fireworks continued to explode in front of their eyes.

Dean just pulled Cas closer, letting himself get used to the loud sounds of the fireworks, and the warmth of the setting July sun.

By the time the sun was set and the only lights were the explosions in the sky, Cas had turned over and was kissing Dean, Dean's hand cupping Cas' cheek, the other around his waist, pulling him close.

Cas put his hands on Dean's shoulders, grinding into him, both of them gasping at the fabric-against-fabric contact.

"Dean, please.." Cas breathed, Dean nodding, rolling over on top of Cas, pulling the blanket that they had at their feet up to the waists.

They ended up making sweet love on the roof.

No one was in the dorms, because most had gone out of town, or to see the fireworks, and from the roof, no one could hear them on the ground, but of course, Cas had to keep generally quiet.

**27 Minutes Later**

"Fuck.." Cas breathed, landing next to Dean, a smile on his face.

"God, I love you." Dean grinned, pulling Cas up and placing a kiss on his lips. Cas chuckled softly against Dean's lips, leaning closer, the blanket a mess somewhere along the lines of their hips. "We should get downstairs before people start leaving the fireworks show." Dean sighed, giving his boyfriend another few pecks on the lips before he was sitting up and pulling on his clothes.

Cas did the same, taking one of the blankets, Dean taking the other, their free hands connecting until they were back in their dorm, sitting down on Cas' bed next to each other. "Order pizza?" Dean asked, Cas agreeing with a little "yeah" then lying down.

\---

 **1:32 AM**  
  
Cas was still awake.

Dean was asleep, shifting all too much, Cas trying to wrap his arms around Dean to calm him down in his sleep, but it didn't work.

But then Cas realized what was happening when Dean starting groaning out " _no_ " while still sleeping. "Dean, wake up.." Cas mumbled, soft, quiet, not going to work.

"Dean, wake up." It was a bit louder now.

"Dean, darling, wake up, please.." Cas said in a normal voice, Dean waking with a start, jumping, looking at Cas with wide eyes, shaking, breaths heavy. "Dean, it was just a dream, it's okay, I'm here, Dean, I'm here," Cas pulling him close so Dean's head was against his chest. Dean clutched at Cas' shirt like he was the only thing that kept him on this planet. "Darling, it's okay, it was just a dream, nothing bad is gonna happen."

Dean's panting ceased but Cas could feel tears on his chest, so he just pulled him closer and rubbed his back until he calmed down.

He only knew how to do these things because it was what Dean would do when he was feeling low.

Or at the most, when he'd fallen back into his bad place.


	13. Warm Waters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I didn't know what to do for this chapter, so this is kinda mostly maybe I dunno smut.  
> Yeah.  
> It's smut.  
> Maybe something else, I dunno yet ~ Just read c:

**1 Month Later**

"It's coming along... I guess." Dean said, unsure if that was true or not. He stared at the boxes that piled on top of each other, sitting in each room, empty or not. The only rooms that they had finished up were the bedroom and the livingroom, the bedroom complete with a queen sized bed, nightstands on either side of it, a 36 inch TV sitting atop a large six section, black drawer set.

The carpets were off-white, which led from everywhere past the foyer, aside from the kitchen, which branched off from the middle of the foyer. The living room had a much more impressive TV, which was about 54 inches and surround sound. The couch was in an 'L' shape, and was a beige color, covering most of the room, but was worth it.

Sitting between the TV and the couch was a basic, rectangular glass coffee table.

"Well? We still need the bookshelves and lighting in the second bathroom and--" he was stopped by Dean pressing a smiling kiss onto his lips. "Stop worrying." He pressed, Cas giving in and kissing him again.

"C'mon. We gotta stock the kitchen."

\---

**10:24 PM**

"God, I'm beat.." Castiel said, tense, letting himself fall onto the bed face first. He was already shirtless from just wanting to be, as was Dean, who was walking into the room and taking off his pants. "Do you want me to run you a bath?" Dean asked, Cas humming out an 'mhm', making Dean smile to himself.

He nodded, walking into the bathroom and turning on the bath, setting it at the perfect, warm, yet not hot, but still relaxing temperature before he was walking back into the bedroom and taking Cas' hand into his own, trying his best to pull him out of the bed, but to no prevail. Cas smiled through a groan as Dean finally dragged him out of bed, Dean guiding him into the bathroom.

Seeing that the water was at a good level, Dean turned off the faucet and pulled off his boxers, taking off Cas' pants and boxers, too, just because he could.

When he was finished unclothing him, he took his hand and brought him to sit down in the bath, sitting across from each other.

Cas gasped at the warmness of the water, muscle almost instantly relaxing, eyes falling closed, lips parting so beautifully. Dean looked at him, a warm smile giving way on his face at the expression his boyfriend was making.

"C'mere. baby.." Dean reached a hand out for him, Cas crawling forward and sitting himself down on Dean's lap, Dean bringing over body wash and pouring some into his hands. Dean put his hands on Cas' arms, washing them, but not focusing his attention on them, really. Cas dropped his head down to Dean's collarbone, Dean's moved his hands down Cas' chest, moving them in slow circles, Cas gasping against Dean's skin.

"Dean.." Cas breathed, Dean nodding. "Sshhhh, baby, I know.." He muttered softly, his hands moving further down Cas' abdomen and onto his dick, Cas' lips moving further open, teeth grazing over Dean's skin, a soft moan escaping himself.

Dean began to stroke, running his thumb over the head when he got to it, Dean pressing a kiss onto the side of Cas' temple, the only noises coming from Cas' mouth or from water moving. " _Please,_ " he begged, Dean nodding, his hand moving over for just a moment to take his own cock, then was stroking himself to get him hard. Eventually, he was just taking both his and Cas' dick into his hand, stroking, rubbing against each other, making Cas let out a much more explicit moan than before.

"Dean, need you, please," he begged once more, Dean eventually letting his hand fall off of their erections. "Lift up." Dean muttered softly, Cas nodding, Dean pressing two fingers when it came to it. Cas moaned, hissing at the stretching and tightness, but moaning all the same.

"Gonna add the next finger, baby.." Dean pushed in the third finger, like he said, wiggling them around inside of Cas, the water being used as lubrication. Cas writhed under Dean's fingers, iron grip on Dean's shoulders for dear life.

" _Dean_.." He pleaded, eyes closed in an effort to keep all of the pleasure in. "I got you, baby.." Dean took his fingers out, placing his hands on Cas' hips, guiding Cas to where his cock was fully hard and aching for more attention. And attention was what he got.

Because Cas was sinking down onto Dean's cock, head dropping down to Dean's collarbone once again. Dean guided Cas' hips up and down, slow, an easy pace. After all of their hard work earlier that day, there was no way he could really  _fuck_  Cas. "God, so perfect, angel, so good for me, too good for me, baby.." Dean praised, Cas moaning out as he hit his prostate.

Cas had stayed quiet, too consumed in all of the pleasure he was feeling.

"C'mon baby, talk to me, tell me how it feels." Dean muttered.

"Feels good.. feels so good, and big.." Cas murmured, pausing and moaning before he was continuing, "love your cock up my ass. Feels so fucking good," he finished, Dean growling in pleasure at his sentences and the heat of Cas' ass. There were moans, and gasps, and hitches in Cas' throat every time Dean hit his prostate, only to grip Dean's shoulders just a little harder.

"Fuck, baby, gonna come," Dean breathed, throwing his head back over the edge of the tub, Cas nodding in agreement, him too about to reach his climax.

Dean looked down at Cas for a moment, moving his head so his forehead pressed against Cas', Cas leaning forward and catching Dean's lips just before Dean was coming, moans muffled by the kiss.

And at the feeling of Dean's liquids inside of him, Cas came, white cum spurting out into the water, Dean continuing to kiss his way through it. "Dean.." Cas breathed, Dean giving a shaky, tired sort of smile at Cas. "God, I love you so much.." He muttered, pressing what was now a smiling kiss onto Cas' lips, Cas kissing back before he could tell him he loved him too.

After their breathing slowed and Dean loosened his grip on Cas' hips, he opened his eyes to look at Cas, who had returned his forehead to his shoulder, too tired to move -- or maybe he was just relaxed. "You better now, baby?" Dean asked, giving Cas' temple a kiss before he was lifting his head and nodding. "Thank you.." Cas muttered softly, Dean shaking his head. "Stop thanking me, Cas. I love you, and I love  _this,_ you don't gotta thank me."

Cas smiled softly, eyes cast downwards, Dean bringing his hand up and cupping Cas' cheeks, bringing him in for another kiss. "We gotta go to bed.. in our new apartment." Cas said, Dean's lips spreading into a smile, but Cas was just wiggling down onto Dean's dick again, Dean looking at him like he was crazy, and perfect, and all these mixed things, but hell if he cared.

"That kinda means you gotta get off of me."

"But I don't wanna."

"But you gotta."

"Well isn't that a bit of a dilemma?"

Dean threw his head back over the back of the tub, laughing at Cas' little statement, Cas smiling too, leaning his head forward and kissing at Dean's Adam's apple while he could. "As much as I like it when you kiss me there, you gotta get off. The water's getting cold.. and there's.. that." He was talking about what they had done to the water, or at least, added to it, Cas giving a soft chuckle before he did as told and stood out of the water.

Dean drained the tub and then was jumping out after him. Cas had taken a bit of time to dry himself off, but none to wrap a towel around himself, as did Dean, so they met each other in the bedroom, only pulling on boxers (Cas putting lacey pink on panties just because they felt heavenly on his skin when he slept... and Dean liked them.)

Dean looked over his shoulder to see Cas' little panty collection in their new set of drawers, a smirk on his face, eyes shifting over to the pair Cas was actually wearing and admiring his ass while he shifted over to the bed and collapsed on it face first.

Cas' legs were spread lazily, and he was hugging a pillow, eyes closed. Dean smiled softly at how perfectly comfortable Cas was with him around, and how perfectly beautiful he looked at that moment, not just because he was in panties, but because he loved the way Cas looked when he finished, and was splayed out on the bed. The soft line of his legs, the curve of his spine. There was nothing more beautiful.

And all Dean could think of doing was crawl into bed next to him, Cas basically sensing Dean's presence and moving towards him, Dean helping him along by wrapping his arm under Cas and pulling him on top of his chest with his other hand, Cas instantly relaxing, smacking his lips.

Dean brought the covers up, Cas splaying his limbs across Dean's body like he, too, was the bed, which made Dean let out a silent chuckle. "Night, angel." Dean muttered softly, putting a kiss onto the top of Cas' head, Cas barely even moving to nod, but Dean knew he was too tired to say anything so he just let himself fall asleep.

And he let himself fall, somehow, if it was even possible, to fall more in love with this Castiel Novak of his.

\---

**9:26 AM**

Dean was the one to wake up first, yawning, blinking his green eyes open and smiling down at Cas' sleeping face.

"Good morning, sunshine." Dean said, not knowing if Cas was awake or not, but if he wasn't, he probably hadn't heard him.

"Mm?" Cas shifted lazily, letting himself get used to the little touches Dean always made with his fingertips as he ran them along his arms in the mornings. "It's 9:30." Dean muttered softly down to his boyfriend, Cas opening his pretty blue eyes to look up at Dean, who was looking out the window and at the early-morning August sun, the rays that shone through the window shining onto Dean's face, making Cas smile.

When Dean felt eyes on him, he looked down at Cas and smiled. "This is going to be in my good place, I bet." Dean muttered softly, like Dean knew what he was talking about. "What?" Cas asked, unaware of Dean's little metaphor. "My good place." Dean said again, furrowing his brow, only to get the same reaction from Cas.

"I guess you're good place is like where all those happy memories are, or beautiful sunsets, or something like that. And you kinda know when you're in your good place, too, because all you can think of is what's right in front of you, and you get so lost in it, and you just want to stay in that moment, or in that pile of moments forever. You have consumed almost every moment, now, in my good place, and just that thought alone keeps me there, over the line, past the bad place."

"You are extraordinary." Cas said, warm smile on his lips.

Dean turned back to the window, continuing to run fingertips along Cas' arms, Cas just continuing to look up at him.

"What did you dream about?" He asked after a while, Dean looking down at him at his question. "You." Dean replied simply. "Yeah?" Cas asked, Dean smiling softly and saying "yeah" back to him.

"What about you, Cas; What did you dream about?"

"You." Both of their lips spread into smiles, simultaneously leaning to each other and pressing smiling kisses onto each other's lips.

"Why didn't I meet you sooner? How come I only got to know you for a year, and not my whole life, huh?" Dean asked as Cas cuddled back down onto his chest. "The world is a mad, mad place, Dean Winchester."

The words seemed to stick to the air, slowly drifting away, leaving only but silence in it's merciless wake.

The words ringed in their ears, the truthful words that must have been said a million times before; the truthful words that needed to be said a million times more.

\---

**Sunday Morning**

Cas woke up with a yawn, looking up at Dean who was awake, too, a warm smile on his lips.

"Hey, Cas.." Dean muttered softly, placing a kiss on top of his head. Cas smiled and rolled over so he was straddling Dean, Dean looking up at him and giving another soft, lazy, corner-of-his-mouth smile.

Cas' eyes were hooded when he moved down onto Dean's legs, slowly sliding Dean's boxers off, grabbing the lube from the bedside table and lathering some onto his fingers. He opened himself up before he was placing himself onto Dean's cock, hands on Dean's abdomen, riding him lazily on that Sunday morning.

It wasn't exactly the most moan-filled experience, nor was it intended to be, but Cas just wanted to feel Dean, and have Dean feel him. Dean didn't say much; he let his lips part, eyes close, and hands lay loosely on Cas' hips. Though, Dean loved the way Cas would ride him lazily on Sunday mornings, rolling his hips, throwing his head back, lips parted in little gasps -- perfect, little gasps.

But then, Dean loved it when Cas would lean down over him and kiss his lips, soft and easy.

And Dean loved it when their fingers would intertwine off to the side of the bed, hot breaths against hot breaths, pushing, pulling, grinding, until everything builds, and builds, and builds, until they reach climax and panting through smiles against each other's lips,

And Dean loved it when Cas would breathe out needy little " _I love you"_ 's, not even words sometimes, just breath, and Dean would nod through it, moving his hands along Cas' ass in the softest, almost least sexual way, if that was even possible. He just wanted to touch him, and to feel all of him, especially that Sunday morning. _  
_

And the next.

And the next.

And the next, lazy, Sunday morning.


	14. Episode One

**Four Days Before Christmas**

Cas stood up from one of the boxes that they had said were useless and didn't need to unpack, a confused look on his face, something in his hand. Though, he smiled, and turned on what was a camcorder, walking over to Dean with it in his hand, Dean looking at him and grinning.

"Episode One: Dean Winchester in only two layers of clothes.  _Scandalous."_ Cas smiled behind the camera, Dean's teethy grin never ceasing to leave his face, even after he had thrown his head back and laughed. "Why have you got a camcorder?" Dean asked, but didn't mind it. "I found it in the useless box of things. Thought it could be fun to use." Cas looked through the little screen to see Dean's face, the red record button blinking, , eyes peering over it for a moment before looking back down.

"You're an idiot." Dean smiled, chuckling up at the camera, Cas scoffing. "Oh yeah? Well, I'm not the one who's watching Casa Erotica in their free time." Dean made a little "well, yeah, true" sort of face, Cas sticking his tongue out at Dean like a five-year old. "Your tongue is either in your mouth, or mine. The air doesn't deserve such a heavenly thing." Dean joked, Cas continuing to record.

"God, Dean."

"That's what you said last night, angel."

Cas laughed at his second joke, the camera shaking a bit, Dean laughing, too.

"You're crazy, Cas. Just crazy." Dean muttered, looking at Cas, who was still behind the camera from where he sat on the couch. "And you're  _still_ watching Casa Erotica!" Cas exclaimed jokingly, panning over to the TV, which was, of course, playing Casa Erotica. At the moment, it was at a very intimate elevator kiss scene, the two characters ravishing each other.

"Straight porn is hilarious." Cas chuckled, turning the camcorder back over to Dean, who was smiling, and nodding. "What, you've watched straight porn before?"

"Well, I'm kinda watching it right now."

"Also very true." Dean nodded at his own stupidity.

"And I used to date girls, but.. now I've got you, and no girl could ever match to what you are to me." Dean's smile softened, tugging at Cas' arm, pulling him down for a kiss. The hand that held the camcorder was still recording them, getting an actually good view of them kissing. "You are extraordinary." Dean said, quoting Cas' own words.

Cas' own words that really, truly, meant the world to both of them.

\---

**The Day of Christmas Eve**

Cas stood in front of the mirror next to Dean, Dean wearing a beanie and his leather jacket, Cas with a green scarf around his neck and wearing a blue sweater, fancy camera in hand, desperately trying to get him to take a picture of their second Christmas together.

But Dean was licking playfully on Cas' cheeks while Cas was saying " _Dean, look at the camera please. I'm going to snap the picture in 3... come on, don't be a butt.. 2.. 1... look at the came-, Dean, get off!_ "

But Dean was whispering, " _Man, I could totally eat you up right now,_ " biting his ear, licking his earlobe, Cas trying to push him away but to no prevail. Cas just wants to snap photos, but Dean doesn't seem to get enough of him.

And when Cas finally gave up, he snapped the picture, and it was of Dean's tongue sticking out onto Cas' cheek while Cas stood there, Dean's arm around his front, clutching onto him with a smile on his face.

"You're absolutely crazy." Cas smiled, turning his head to look at Dean, who was kissing him almost instantly, insistent, yet gentle.

"C'mon. We gotta get to Bobby's." Dean smiled, wrapping his arm around Cas' waist before they were walking out of the apartment and heading down to the Impala, presents in hand.

\---

Dean had a very large family, or at the least, very large Holiday gatherings.

There were eight people in all for Christmas that year, including Sam, Bobby, Jody, Jo, Charlie, Dean, Cas, and Jess.

Cas had told Dean that Christmas parties were completely out of question, to which Dean  _gladly_ agreed.

"Hey, Bobby!" Dean greeted him from the door, the bearded man coming forward and they embraced, Jody meeting them at the door. "Who's this?" Jody asked, talking for Bobby, too, because they hadn't met Cas yet.

"This is Castiel, or, Cas. He's my-"

"I'm his boyfriend." Cas spoke up, finishing Dean's sentence, a proud smile on his face. Bobby turned to Cas, holding his hand out to him and shaking it. "Dean better be real good to you." Jody muttered from behind Bobby, Cas smiling, Dean nodding. "He is, Mrs..?" "Singer! I'm Jody, that's Bobby. Dean's probably told you about us." Jody smiled warmly, guiding them inside, only to see that Charlie and Jo were sitting side by side on the couch.

"Have you met Jo?" Bobby asked, to which Cas nodded.

"How?"

Oh.

Oh my.

Oh, she was at those parties when she shouldn't have.

Oh my, Cas had no idea how to answer that question.

And thank God, because there was another knock at the door before he could answer.

Sam and Jess were greeted at the door while Dean and Cas set their presents down under the tree, Dean pointing to little ornaments that were of sentimental value. There was a replica of a Chevy Impala, Dean smiling and turning to Cas, telling him that he got it when he was twelve and has had it ever since. Cas just smiled and kissed him, not caring if his family saw, because, well, Sam and Jess kissed sometimes, and Charlie and Jo kissed sometimes, so why not them, too?

Cas sat down next to Dean, Dean next to Jo, and Charlie next to Jo. Sam and Jess had their own couch, Bobby settled for a chair that he had pulled in from the dining room, and Jody sat in the armchair.

"So, Dean.." Sam coughed, Dean glaring over at him, almost instantly knowing what he was going to say.

"Who, uh.. Does the pushing?" Sam asked, a grin spreading across his face, Charlie and Jo with faces of pure horror at his question.

But Cas barely faltered and said, "Dean." like what Sam had asked was an ever day question.

"Oh thank God!" Sam exclaimed, like the thought of Dean having dick up his ass was disgusting. Which, to Sam, was a very,  _very,_ ** _very_** disgusting image in his head. Castiel chuckled, Dean laying an arm around the back of the couch and letting his hand rest on Cas' shoulder.

"And how does you and Charlie work, I mean what do you-"

"Alright, alright!" Jody exclaimed, big smiles on everyone's faces, because they were laughing after that, everyone. "Boys are so annoying." Jody said jokingly.

" _And this is why there are lesbians._ " Jo stated flatly, Dean snorting a laugh. "Good God, sis." Dean chuckled, everyone laughing a little. Jody patted Bobby's shoulder before she was walking into the kitchen and checking on all of the food, everyone in the living room chatting.

Cas had taken out his camcorder and started recorded everybody talking and having a good time. Of course, he'd asked their permission first, and explained that he just liked capturing moments like these, so they aloud him to do so.

Sometimes, Cas would lean in front of the camera and place a kiss onto Dean's lips.

Or he'd record Sam and Jess laughing and having little conversations to themselves, smiles on their faces.

Or he'd record the whole family, just sitting there, being as family as family could be, even if the family weren't all blood. Because family isn't just based on blood. Cas liked to call Dean his family, or at least, more in a.. husband, yet, not kind of way.

Because Dean's wide smiles were too much, and he loved him to good, and they loved each other so well, that that seemed appropriate to say that they were family.

Because family does  _not_ end in blood.

\---

The night ended with Bobby getting out his old record player and putting in  _Heroes_ by  _David Bowie_ just for the fun of it. They sat around the Christmas tree and exchanged presents.

Cas wasn't disappointed at all at the quality of his presents; he knew Dean's family was the richest, so he didn't complain one bit. Besides, Dean said he had a present he'd give to Cas at home, which Cas thought would be something rather naughty.

But not, it wasn't naughty at all.

Dean sat Cas down in front of the fireplace on the rug, moving the coffee table out of the way and walking into the bedroom. Cas shed off his scarf and got a fire going, the soft crackles relaxing to Cas' ears. He took off his shoes and socks, too, before Dean was coming in with a wooden, acoustic guitar, sitting down in front of Cas, warm smile on his face.

"Since when do you have a guitar? And since when do you  _play_ guitar?" Cas asked, lying down on his stomach, propping his face up under his fists, supported by his elbows. His feet hung lazily in the air, Dean shrugging and disregarding Cas' question.

"I wrote this song, for you, for Christmas. I didn't really know what else to give you, so.. yeah." Dean shrugged again, looking down at the strings, and beginning off with a D chord and strumming, closing his eyes, Cas looking up at Dean with a warm smile, getting out the camcorder and recording; this was a moment he wanted to remember.

It was simple; going from D chord, to G chord, to A chord; nothing too hard.

So playing the basic notes a few times, Dean started his singing to the tune of  _You Are My Sunshine._

 _"Oh Castiel,_  
 _I really love you,_  
 _Please never me,_  
 _my Castiel._  
 _You know how much,_  
 _I love you,_  
 _How much I need you,_  
 _Please don't leave, my side, any day."_  He sang the first verse softly, continuing the basic rhythm, Cas' blue eyes wide, because Dean had  _written_ a song for him, and it was absolutely beautiful.

_"Oh Castiel,_   
_You truly are my_   
_Castiel."_   
_"Don't you think so,_   
_My Castiel_   
_Don't you know so,_   
_How dear you are to me,_   
_My wonderful, beautiful, Castiel."_

He smiled softly at Cas, opening his eyes to see that Cas' face was full of amazement and wonder.

"Oh Castiel,  
I find myself thinking,  
 _Of your blue eyes,_  
 _And your lips,_  
 _You truly are perfect,_  
 _In every way,_  
 _Please don't leave, my side, any day."_

His voice was going to the tune of  _You Are My Sunshine,_ just as his guitar strumming, warm smile on his face through the lyrics.

" _Oh Castiel,_  
 _You make me feel good,_  
 _In every way,_  
 _You know how to please me,_  
 _How to love me_  
 _Please never, my side, any day."_

He finished, Cas speechless. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing more perfect that what he had just heard. And his voice,  _Good God,_ his voice; it was beautiful. But in the meantime, Dean was getting nervous, thinking that maybe Cas hadn't liked it.

"Did you -- did you like it?" Dean asked, Cas almost vigorously nodding his head. "It was perfect, Dean.. God, it was amazing -- the most amazing thing I've ever heard." Dean's lips broke into a nervous smile, Cas turning off the camcorder and setting it down. He moved up and pressed a kiss onto Dean's lips, slow and easy, like the guitar chords Dean had been strumming just a moment ago.

Dean put the guitar to the side, slowly pushing Cas forward until his back was on the carpet, Dean's hands on either side of him.

"God, I love you so much." Dean breathed against his lips, Cas nodding, putting his hands on the back of Dean's neck and pulling him back down for a kiss that led to what was slow sex next to the fire.

It ended with Cas crawling on top of Dean's chest, Dean's arm wrapped under Cas, Cas' head on Dean's shoulder.

"Was that to the tune of  _You Are My Sunshine?"_ Cas asked, Dean nodding, green eyes closed. Cas slowly began to hum what could have been  _Oh Castiel (_ What Dean had named his little song,  _and_ what he had moaned out just a moment before) or  _You Are My Sunshine._

But it became clear when he started to softly sing, lulling Dean into sleep.

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.."_

_"You make me happy, when skies are gray.."_

_"You never know, Dear, how much I love you.."_

_"So please don't take, my sunshine, away.."_

He smiled softly out of the corner of his mouth at realizing Dean was asleep.

Dean's soft snores were felt against Cas' black hair, Cas' hand on Dean's rising and falling chest, reminding him to breathe.

"I love you." Cas whispered. "So much."

"I promise, Dean Winchester, I will never leave you. I promise. I don't want to. I don't think I could imagine a world without you, now. It would just be so blank. I hope there isn't such thing as a world without Dean Winchester. That would just be terrible. I will never leave you, and I hope you never leave me, too, because you're mine, and I'm your's, and we're each other's."

****


	15. Slowly

"Episode seventeen, starring Dean Winchester as the pizza man." Cas started, recording Dean's face.

"Introducing Castiel Novak as the babysitter." Dean said back, big grin on his face, Cas laughing behind the camcorder. "And your dick as the  _little_  pizza man." Dean scoffed at Cas' sentence. "My dick is not little, and I'm pretty sure you know that. You know, after you were moaning how big it was just a couple nights ago." Cas laughed, nodding and saying "I know, I know."

Dean stood from where he was on the couch and pressed a kiss onto Cas' lips for good measure, brushing past him and walking into the kitchen, Cas following behind him. They were both only in boxers, and didn't have classes until one, so they had a bit of a lazy morning. "Are you gonna make breakfast?" Cas questioned from behind the camera, Dean nodding, taking out pancake batter and starting his cooking.

"How's work?" Dean turned back to look at him for a moment and nodded. "It's good. I got this one patient, though, that doesn't seem to ever get any better from his therapy. I mean -- he's a good kid and all, but he doesn't seem to get any better." Dean explained, Cas bobbing his head in a nod. "You remember Lisa from that party last year?" 

"Yeah, why?"

"She started taking therapy with me. She's such a brat." Dean sighed. "Oh?" Cas cocked a brow. "Yeah. She comes every Thursday, and she's always complaining and groaning. I don't exactly like Thursdays, anymore, unless I get to come home and see you. But you have classes on Thursdays.." Dean sighed, flipping the pancakes. "Well, I'm here now." Cas smiled warmly, setting the camera down and wrapping his arms around Dean's waist.

A few minutes later and the pancakes were done, the two sitting down at the couch across from each other, legs crossed, the soft hum of music coming from the speakers that were in the corner of the living room.

"We used to hate each other." Dean chuckled softly to himself after taking a bite of his syrup-covered pancakes. "Now look where we are." Cas smiled, Dean nodding, looking up at Cas for a moment, then back down to his food. "All lovey-dovey and up in each other's personal space." The green-eyed man mused. "I remember that time, before we were together, and you were cleaning your face when I was behind you and you didn't know it."

"I think we almost kissed, but I can't remember much."

"Yeah.." Dean smiled, thinking back to that moment. 

"And now, I  actually  _want_ you up in my personal space." 

\---

Cas and Dean were having a bit of a lazy night, but romantic. Dean had a shot glass with Scotch inn it in his hand, Cas recording him, smiles on their faces.

"And he is the most interesting man in the world."

"I don't understand that reference, Dean."

"Of course you don't, Cas." He took a sip of the Scotch, Cas leaning in front of the camcorder and kissing him, lips tasting of alcohol, but he didn't mind it; it wasn't like he  _always_ tasted like alcohol. He rarely ever drank, anyways.

\---

**Later That Semester**

"Dean, I'm doing homework, I can't right now.." Cas sighed in disappointment to Dean who was biting at his ear. Dean huffed, leaning back on the bed and groaning. "I want to Dean, really, but I don't have the time."

This became a normal occurrence; the semester was getting busier by the day, and Cas had so much homework that it was obnoxious. "It's been weeks, Cas.." Dean muttered, disappointed. He just wanted to make love to Cas, but Cas didn't seem to want to. "I know, Dean." Cas sighed, looking back down at his textbook.  "Can't we at least talk?" Dean pleaded, Cas' eyes looking up at Dean's, which were full of need. 

"C'mere.." Cas took Dean by the arm, gently, pulling him in and kissing him. "Please, Cas," he begged, needing more of  his boyfriend, but Cas was hesitantly shaking his head, Dean sighing. 

"I'll go out into the living room, then.." Dean stood and left the room, Cas watching him leave.

There was some sort of pit in Cas' stomach that he felt at Dean's words, because he really did want to kiss him, and touch him, and have him near him, or inside of him, but the school work was just too much and he had to force himself to say no. And that no made Cas sigh in frustration, but he was still looking back down at his textbook and Dean was still out in the living room, which only made him even more frustrated.

\---

 **Four Hours Later** and it was eleven at night.

Dean was crawling back into bed, Cas setting his textbooks off on the nightstand. 

"What did you do out in the living room?"

"I just watched TV and sent a few emails, really."

Cas sighed, not knowing what else to say than, "I'm sorry.." against Dean's chest, Dean pulling him closer. "It's not your fault, Cas. Just go to sleep, baby.." Dean pressed a kiss onto Cas' forehead, Cas closing his eyes. He fell asleep a few minutes later, head pressed against Dean's upper torso, wrapped in Dean's arms like he should be.

And around nine hours later, Dean was waking up to realize that Cas wasn't in his bed. He was actually panicking for a moment, but he got into his right mind and checked his phone to see if Cas had sent him anything. There was, now that Dean realized, a text that Cas had sent a few hours ago.

Castiel:  _I had a test early this morning. I can't be home until probably three or four. I hope you have a wonderful day, Dean Winchester_

Dean smiled softly at the end of the text, sitting up in bed and going out into the kitchen.

Without Cas recording him and making stupid jokes, the apartment was silent, aside from the shifting of feet on carpet or tile, or the buzz of the TV, or clicking of the phone.

The silence, though, was probably louder than any other silence Dean had ever felt; it was one that he didn't expect, one that he didn't want, and one that he needed to be filled, but nothing was there to fill it but a TV, and a TV wasn't something that could so easily replace what normally was Cas who took away that silence. So he let the silence pull him in, and wrap around him until his day at work began.

\---

When Cas came home, he was on his laptop on the carpet, with a textbook beside it, and a punch of papers strewn across the floor. 

What Dean hated was that he barely even said hello.

"How did your test go?"

"Good, I guess."

"That's good. Anything else you did?"

"No, why?"

"Well, normally you have more to tell.." Dean sighed, sitting down on the couch and looking at Cas from above. "I guess I don't have anything else to say, really.. I just -- I have to finish this project,  Dean." He didn't look up at him; he just continued to click away at his laptop or scratch away with a pen on paper. Dean stood up and sat down on Cas so his dick was rubbing against Cas' ass through the fabric in desperation to maybe, possibly, get him to make love that night.

But Cas groaned and said, "Dean, get off, seriously." 

"Please, Cas.. I need you.." Dean begged, looking down at him, eyes full of plead.

"Fine." Cas gave in, letting Dean do what he wanted.

But Dean felt like it was almost forced out of Cas to say that. Because when he finally got to pushing inside, Cas didn't seem to be moaning like he normally was, and Dean wasn't getting the usual responses from his praising, so he just stopped talking altogether after a while, actually. Cas wanted to like it -- he really did, and he didn't know why he didn't like it as much as he usually did, but that's how it was that day.

And when Dean finished, he had let his chest rest against Cas' back, panting a bit as he brought his teeth to Cas' earlobe and played, licking and biting.

But Cas was pushing him off again, Dean furrowing his brow at him, but he still got off, like Cas said to do.

\---

**Another Week Later & Another Failed Attempt at Intercourse**

"Why are you acting like this?!" Dean exclaimed one day, raising his voice higher than he ever has at Cas.

"Like what?! You're the one trying to have sex with me all the time!" He retorted. "I am not! You have so much homework and school work that you barely even talk to me! I just want to talk to you, Cas!" Dean shouted back angrily, desperately. "Then let's talk! Come on, what do you want to say to me?!" Cas was getting angry now, angrier than he's ever been at Dean.

He didn't want to be angry, but he was. And that made him even  _more_ angry.

"I -- I don't know!" Dean shouted, but he was continuing, babbling off some nonsense, loud and angry. "Stop shouting, stop shouting, stop shouting!" Cas exclaimed weakly, shutting Dean up, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. "Just talk to me, Cas..." 

"But I don't have anything to talk about.." Cas muttered, looking down at his feet, blue eyes teary. "I don't want to fight, Dean.. why are we fighting?"

"I don't know, Cas.. I don't know.." Dean didn't know what else to say. Cas turned around and leaned over the counter, putting his face in his hands, and Dean didn't realize he was crying until he saw his shoulders shaking. "Oh God, Cas, I'm sorry.." Dean breathed, moving over and beginning to wrap his arms around him but Cas was flinching, Dean instantly stopping his movements, not placing his hands on him.

Cas stomped off into the bedroom, Dean watching him go wordlessly and silently. He took a moment just to stare at the door that was slammed, just glaring at it, before he collected himself and walked over to it, standing in front for another moment, opening it hesitantly.

Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, his face in his hands, shoulders shaking in a weep. 

"Cas.." Dean breathed, watching him cry, then was moving forward and sitting on the bed next to him, wrapping his arms around him.

"Cas, I'm sorry.." Dean started, "I'm so, so sorry.. just stop crying, please, you were so happy before, I don't want you to be sad, please.." Dean rubbed his back, hands roaming up and down his spine, Cas' hands pushed up against Dean's chest, face buried in Dean's neck. "It's my fault, it's all my fault -- Don't apologize, it's my fault, it's always my fault.." Cas said against Dean's neck, Dean shaking his head.

"Cas, it's not your fault, stop it. It's Stanford's fault, for all I care. They shouldn't give you so much homework, it's not your fault, I swear to God it's not your fault." Dean pressed, Cas' arms moving out and wrapping under Dean's arms.

"You are extraordinary." Dean's smile was on his face for a split second, but his lips were quivering, and he couldn't manage to hold it.

"Baby, please, I hate seeing you like this, calm down, stop crying.." Dean begged, because God, it was the worst to see Cas crying.

Because when Cas cried, it was never just quick, and it was never about one simple thing.

When Cas cried, everything, every little emotion he had kept up inside was spilling out, and he couldn't help but cry about everything else that went around in this mad, mad, world and he was just a mess -- just a big mess. "I'm trying but --  _hiccupt_ \-- I can't --  _hiccup --_ stop crying." Cas' fingers clutched Dean's shirt as tight as they could, holding onto him like Cas was a boat and Dean was the anchor.

"Ssshh, Cas, please.."

"I --  _hiccup --_ can't."

Dean continued to rub his back, up and along his spine, letting Cas let it all out, letting Cas just be a hiccupping, sniffling mess against him for what was now the third time. 

" _Oh Castiel.."_ Dean started.

" _I really love you,"_  
"Please never leave me, my Castiel,"  
"You know how much, I love you,"  
"How much I need you,"  
"Please don't leave, my side, any day."

Cas' crying was still major, but he didn't seem to be hiccupping just as much. 

 _"Oh Castiel,"_  
"You truly are my Castiel,"  
"Don't you think so, my Castiel,"  
"Don't you know so, how dear you are to me,"  
"My wonderful, beautiful, Castiel.." 

And he was still crying, and Dean could still hear him sucking for breaths, and Dean had no idea how he could remember this off of the top of his head, but he could.

 _"Oh Castiel,"  
_ "I find myself thinking,"  __  
"Of your blue eyes,"  
"And your lips,"  
 "You truly are perfect,"  
"In every way,"  
"Please don't leave, my side, any day."

And now Cas was only sniffling, tears still coming, but slower than before.

 _"Oh Castiel,"_  
"You make me feel good,"  
"In every way,"  
"You know how to please me,"  
"How to leave me,"  
"Please never leave, my side, any day." and now he wasn't crying anymore, just sniffling, fingers all curled up in Dean's shirt, nose buried in Dean's neck, grasping onto him for dear life.

"Cas, shh, hey, it's okay, it's okay.." Dean assured him, pulling him down so their heads rested on the pillows, curled up against each other. 

Dean spoke up after a while of just looking at Cas' eyelids. "You haven't said you loved me in a while." Dean realized, Cas' eyes closed in front of him.

"Do you still love me?"

Dean was afraid he wasn't asleep.

Dean was afraid he could hear him, and he didn't say anything, because he didn't love him anymore.

Dean was afraid that the one person he truly loved didn't love him back anymore.

**Castiel was, though, conscious.**

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. And Then

**Spring Break**

Things got generally better after that night.

Cas did, though, tell Dean that he loved him again and again after that night.

It may have been that he was crying so hard before that that he wasn't thinking straight.

Or he just couldn't get the words out.

But he still told Dean he loved him.

Again, over and over.

They talked more, and Cas got to ride Dean lazily on Sunday mornings like he loved to do once again. And now it was Spring break and things were okay, because Dean got to be near Cas so much more, which he relished. And Cas would record him more, now, too, which Dean would hate to admit, but it was all so true that he loved it.  

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Cas asked from behind the camcorder.

"I want to go everywhere." Dean looked at Cas, a smile on his face. "I want to go everywhere with you, Cas." He knew that was just a joke -- they both knew, because that was entirely unreasonable, so Cas just shook his head and chuckled. "Come on, let's go somewhere." 

"Well where do you want to go?" Dean asked.

"Someplace beautiful."

"Like where?"

"China."

"China, Cas? Really?"

"Or Europe." He smiled, Dean tilting his head. "Europe? Where in Europe, then?" 

"Everywhere."

"Well, that's a bit unreasonable, don't you think?" Dean muttered, chuckling softly to himself. "C'mon, we could leave, right here, just pack everything up and go to Europe. We could live in Paris in a little apartment and go out onto the balcony and eat croissants while we look at the Eiffel Tower on Sunday mornings after I ride you." Cas grinned, Dean looking at him like he was crazy, but so perfectly crazy, if that was even possible.

"That sounds like something I'd see in heaven, Cas. Maybe we can go there in heaven so it's free." Cas looked at him, neither of their smiles ever moving off of their faces. "Well we gotta die to go to heaven, though." Cas complained. "I don't wanna die. I doubt that you wanna die, too, so.." Cas chuckled, Dean nodding. "Well then we've got another dilemma on our hands." "Well, really, there's always a dilemma, somewhere."

"So we have a dilemma.. within a dilemma..? God, Cas, stop confusing me like this!" Dean joked, breathing out another laugh. "But it's true! There's always an upside and a downside to things!" Cas smiled, Dean agreeing by nodding his head.

"I love you, Cas." Dean stated, words slow, falling off his lips like waves, slow waves, not crashing, angry waves, but slow, easy, and gentle, like the sea on a Summers day. 

"I love you, too." Cas' smile got warmer, and he was asking again, "where do you wanna go? I'm bored," with complaint in his voice, a groan at the end.

"We've never been to the beach together, y'know."

"Well, Dean Winchester, there are multiple beaches that we could go to, so you gotta pick one."

"Easy: Carmel Beach." Dean stood up from the couch, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist, Cas holding the camcorder off to the side, in the air, so it still captured what was happening. "We don't gotta swim or anything. Besides, the water's definitely cold. We could just walk and have a picnic."

"A picnic?"

"Sure."

"Okay, then we can have a picnic." 

"On the beach?"

"On the beach."

"You're crazy, Dean Winchester."

"I'm only crazy 'cause I'm crazy 'bout you, s'all." Dean gave a sunny grin, placing a kiss on Castiel's plump lips, smiling into it, the world seeming to revolve around the two lovers for a moment, for that one moment. And it must have been the most gentle Cas has ever been kissed, because he'd kissed Dean so many countless times before, but he still felt butterflies in his stomach and he could feel his cheeks get warmer. 

"You're blushing," Dean said when he pulled away, smirking down at him.

"So what if I am?" Cas retorted, smiling back at him. "I'm only blushing 'cause I'm crazy about you." He quoted Dean's words, Dean breaking out in a chuckle, leaning down and kissing him once again with same gentle, smooth feel to it.

"C'mon. Let's go have a picnic on the beach." Dean smiled, moving away and walking into the bedroom, Cas following behind him.

They put on clothes -- nothing too warm, and yet nothing too cold, just like the weather outside. 

In Spring time, California wasn't necessarily warm on most days, but then again, it wasn't necessarily warm. I suppose you could say it was average, but really, it varied, much more different than average.

Though, the water was most definitely cold in the Spring. Thus, there weren't any people (surprisingly) at Carmel Beach that day.

Cas readied the food while Dean got dressed, and when Dean was all dressed, they switched out so Cas could get dressed, kissing in between. 

When they were both ready to go, Dean led Cas out to the car, a big bag of food and drinks in Cas' free hand, then Dean holding the blanket. They got sat down in the Impala, the bag resting in Cas' lap, a hand traveling over to take each other's, fingers intertwining.

"Is work alright?" Castiel asked, Dean nodding. "Yep." Was his simple answer. "Any drama with Lisa?" "Yeah, but most of the therapy she comes in for is just so she can talk to me. And I can't really talk about what happens between the patient and I, Cas." Dean explained. "Alright."

"And you? How were your tests?" 

"I got good grades on most of them -- thank God. But you -- you know I was studying real hard." Cas sighed, not wanting to think back to when he was more distant -- a lot more distant. He didn't like thinking back to that. So he quickly pushed the thoughts out of his head.

"Yeah. You're great, Cas. You're so smart." Dean smiled, peering over to him for one moment, but turning back to the look at the road. After another thirty minutes and they were at the beach, walking down the hill to get down to the sand, Dean setting down the blanket, sitting down next to each other, legs out, feet crossed in front of them. 

Dean took out the sandwhiches, handing one to Cas, eyes looking up at the gentle waves, getting caught in the sound of them crashing, Cas looking over to Dean's wonder-filled eyes and smiling out of the corner of his mouth. Dean turned back to Cas for a moment, who had pulled out the camcorder and reording what was probably one of the most amazing thing Cas has ever seen. 

"What?" Dean asked, smiling. "Nothing." "Nothing? Why are you looking at me like that?" "Because I love you." Dean smiled, leaning over and placing a kiss onto his lips. Dean turned back to look at the sea, stuffing his face with his sandwhich. "You gotta simmer down on eating so fast." Cas chuckled softly to himself. "You are what you eat, Dean."

"Yeah? That makes you a dick, then." 

"Oh?!" Cas said with a big grin, pushing on Dean's shoulder, making him tilt over a little bit. "Then you're an asshhole." Cas grinned, sticking his tongue out at  Dean, who had thrown his head back and laughed. "God, Cas." Dean said after wiping the tears from his eyes. Dean leaned over and picked up the camcorder out of Cas' hands after he put his sandwhich down.

"Have you ever thought about ever getting married?" Dean asked a bit hesitantly, Cas taking a bite of his sandwhich, then setting it down. "I mean, yeah -- I just never really -- I mean, I don't know." Cas shrugged, uncertain of himself.

"Would you ever --" Dean stopped himself from continuing. "--I think Sammy's gonna marry Jess." Dean changed the subject slightly, still on the main road, but just curving so they didn't end up on the path they would have. "They're so nice together." Cas agreed, Dean smiling from behind the camera. 

Before Dean knew it, he was standing up and walking off, Cas staying there and lying back, watching the waves, a content smile on his face.

Dean kept the camcorder in his hands, the setting sun shining rays of light against the recording as he walked along the water, waves crawling up just to his toes before they receded, Dean turning around and waving at Cas, the Cas who was watching him from far off.

Dean recorded every moment of the waves, and the sounds, and the peaceful noises of seaguls in the distance, and for a moment, that was all that was there -- just the ocean, and just Cas, and just love, really. 

So, Dean found himself sitting down, just letting the sun shine against his face and the waves move so slowly up to his toes, and back again, and letting the feeling of Cas' gaze on him sink in, like the shells that collected into the water every time it traveled back into the seabed. He let the camcorder pan over to Cas, who waved at it, Dean smiling.

"What are you doing?" Cas shouted from afar as Dean stood and spun around, recording every single surrounding, every single rock, every single grain of sand, every single blade of grass. "Remembering this!" Dean shouted back, Cas letting his head fall back in a laugh.

"I love you!" Dean shouted from far off.

"Endlessly!" Cas shouted back, word seeming to get picked up by the waves and carried easily into the ocean, waves taking it and catching it, letting it bounce and bob, drifting, floating, sticking to the water, and the air.

\---

"Why can't we stay here forever?" Cas asked, leaning up against Dean, on his side on the blanket. "Because sadly, life isn't a fairy tale." Dean stated simply, Cas sighing. "Why can't we live together until we grow old and we're bickering at each other about how gray our hair is getting? Wouldn't that be great.." Cas sighed, looking up at Dean who had a content smile on his face. 

"You want to live with me forever?" Dean asked down to him, running gentle fingers through black hair.

"'Course I do. Couldn't think of any other way to spend my life." The words, really, seemed to flow off his lips, like they were meant to, like they should have. 

"After all, I don't think I'd be here in your arms if you hadn't taken me out of my bad place. I would still be there, y'know. I was there for a while, until that Valentine's Day when we made love for the first time." They both thought back to that moment for a while, the sound of waves crashing the only thing in their ears for a moment.

"I find myself, sometimes, thinking about you almost all the time. And I find myself wrapping my arms around you when I need to, and I feel like that is a privilege I don't deserve sometimes. You're just too great, Cas. I couldn't be any luckier to have you."

"I suppose I could say the same to you, Dean Winchester."

\---

That night, Cas was dressed only in boxers and an AC/DC T-shirt when he asked Dean to put on some slow music.

"Why do you wanna listen to slow music?" Dean asked, but still did it. "I wanna dance with you." 

"You want to dance with me?"

"Yeah.. dance with you." Cas shrugged, Dean smiling softly, walking over to the stereo that he connected up to his iPhone and clicked his slow song playlist, which he only ever used to fall asleep to on occasion. 

A random song, just by chance, played when Dean clicked shuffle. 

A soft tune on the piano began to sing through the speakers before it was revealed that it was  _The Smiths_ playing  _Asleep._ Dean smiled softly as he took Cas' hand in his own, wrapping his other arm around his waist and beginning the steps to a basic slow dance.

"I'm stuck on you." Dean muttered softly over the sound of the music. 

Cas buried his nose in Dean's neck, boxers against boxers, fabric against bare skin in what must have been the most innocent sort of way.  

"Don't ever leave me." Cas breathed, Dean rubbing his back against the cloth of his shirt. "Never." Cas continued, Dean feeling some wetness on his neck. 

"Cas, baby, I would never leave you.." Dean muttered softly, few tears running down Dean's neck.

"I just can't imagine how horrid a life without you would be. And when I try to imagine it, I guess -- I guess I cry.." 

"Then don't imagine it. Imagine us, in some stupid little retirement home, gray hair and all, like you said, forever up in each other's personal space. Don't be sad, Cas.. you gotta know that I love you, and I always will. Don't think that someday I won't, because I'm stuck on you, and that means I would never leave you."

"I love you, Cas.. God, I love you so much, it hurts." Dean breathed out a chuckle, but his smile soon faded when he just stopped dancing and held Cas against him. "Thank you, Dean Winchester, for somehow, always being where I needed you. Somehow."

Their lips touched, and they were kissing, soft and slow, Cas' sniffling stopped, the peaceful pressing of piano keys coming from the speakers leaving the room in a wake of love, the slow love that you feel when you've got butterflies in your stomach and you just can't stop thinking about him, or her, and even though it's slow, and gradual, it seems so fast, and it could not have been more perfect.

\---

School picked back up a few days after the beach, and Cas was back to studying a lot. 

They would still make love, and sleep in the same bed, and be close to each other, but somehow, they still managed to grow distant.

It was gradual, like the setting sun.

\---

Castiel:  _I have a test at 7 and I don't think I can be back home until nine. I hope your patient today was better than Lisa_

Dean:  _I thought that there weren't any tests past six?_

Castiel:  _I have to retake it_

Dean:  _Oh. Okay._

Dean:  _I love you._

The bar that awaited words, letters, on Cas' phone blinked, blue eyes staring down at it, then back up to Dean's message, but the teacher he was with told him to put his phone away and he didn't get a chance to respond. 

This sort of thing would happen a lot, now, with Cas. 

He would say it was a retake, or he was studying with a couple of friends, and wouldn't come home until the early morning hours. Dean, at first, just thought he was actually retaking a test, or redoing a project, or actually studying, but it happened even more often.  Dean would find himself waking up in the middle of the night because Cas wasn't beneath his arm, snoring soundly against his chest. 

He would rub his eyes, and just when he would fall asleep, Cas would stumble through the door and crawl into bed. He'd whisper he was sorry, and Dean should go back to sleep, and Dean would, but this time with his arms wrapped around him.

Dean was a psychologist. 

He knew what was happening, and he didn't like it.

So it was fair for him to suspect things that he didn't want to suspect.

But it had gotten out of hand, and would happen, on average, four times a week, now. 

Cas would continue to say what he usually would, but when Dean would ask him what he had studied on, or what the test was about, and Cas would reply with stupid little things, he would cross his legs, or his arms.

Again, Dean was a psychologist.

Those signals were not good signals.

"Why aren't you talking to me again, Cas?" Dean asked one night in March. "I'm just so busy and--" 

"Cas, you're barely even home anymore!" Dean exclaimed suddenly.

He didn't want to be angry, or fight like they had in January, but he just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I told you, they're tests!"

"Tests that go past midnight!?"

"I fall asleep when I'm studying!"

"Bullshit."

"Bullshit?! I want good grades, Dean! I want to do my best on these tests!"

"I have  _never_ taken a test that went past midnight, let alone start at seven PM, Cas!"

"And where were you last night?! You didn't come home until eight AM!"

"I fell asleep at a friend's house!"

They kept arguing, shouting, back and fourth, back and fourth.

Dean was throwing a glass plate onto the floor, and the world seemed to suddenly stop.

The glass shards shattered everywhere, and they had both stopped, because that was going too far.

Cas' eyes were wide, and neither of them were saying anything, but the glass that had shattered left a ringing in both of their ears that was aching and to the core, bringing silence along with it.

Cas got down and picked up the shards of glass, Dean barely moving, barely inching towards him.

But when Cas was hissing in pain at blood being drawn on his palm, he couldn't take it anymore. He fell on his bottom after, palm bloody, Dean stepping in front of him, getting on his knees and taking Cas in his arms. 

"Please tell me the truth, Cas.. tell me where you've been.." Dean breathed against Cas' neck, and he realized there were tears running down his cheeks, Cas sniffling, crying too.

"I'm just studying.. I swear.." He insisted, but Dean was shaking his head.

"No.. you're not.."

"I thought I was making you happy, Cas.. why are you doing this?"

"I don't know, Dean.. I'm stupid, I'm so stupid, it's my fault.." 

Dean didn't tell him it wasn't his fault, because truly, it was.

"Cas, tell me where you've been going.. please.." Dean pleaded through tears. He just wanted to know.

"You're gonna get angry, and you're gonna hit me, it's okay if you hit me, I understand.. you can hit me.."

"Cas, stop it, please, just tell me.."

"I'm stupid.. he would get me drunk, and I would sleep with him, and I didn't ever really want to, and I don't know why I kept going back to him, but I did, and I can't -- you can hit me, it's okay, I understand.."

Dean was crying a lot now -- more than he's ever cried in his life.

He must have been dreaming. 

There was no way this was happening. 

No, it couldn't be.

But it was, and he was there, in his arms, but somehow, so far off, gone in the distance, disappearing into the fog.

"Cas, how could you do this? We were so happy -- I thought we were so happy.."

"I'm stupid, I'm fucking stupid, I know. You can tell me.. I'm pathetic." Cas muttered, refusing his instinct to wrap his arms around Dean and press his nose into his neck.

"Cas, you're not pathetic.. you're not pathetic, don't say that. But how could you? How could you, Cas?"

"I don't know, Dean.. I don't know what's been going on with me, but I kept going back to him when I knew I should have been going back to you, I knew I should have, and that's why I'm so stupid, 'cause I never came back to you, and--" he stopped himself, crying, sniffling, everything. 

"Hit me, I deserve it.." Cas breathed, Dean shaking his head.

"Cas, I won't you hit you. I would never hurt you on purpose.. stop saying these things, Cas."

And Dean was realizing who it was, and why Cas was acting like this.

It must have been Balthazar, and he must have done something to reel Cas back in.

And he knew it was Balthazar because he was abusive, and he had probably been the opposite of what Dean was like in bed, all  rough and hard, which is why Dean knew now that that was why Cas was acting like this.

Balthazar must have punished him, or dominated him, something Dean would have never done to Cas because he never wanted to hurt him, ever, so that's why Cas wanted to be hit; because Balthazar would when he did something bad, or disobeyed an order.

"How long?" Dean asked breathily, words shaky from tears.

"Two months.."

That would go back to two weeks after the beach.

"Cas.. oh God.. how could you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.."

Dean didn't know what to say.

He loved Cas so much, and all of it, all of his love for him, goes to what? This? That can't be right. It's just not okay.

"Do you -- do you still love me?"

Dean found himself tuning into the silence, searching for Cas' voice, nothing coming up.

"I.." Cas started, uncertainty tainting his tongue.

"I don't know."

Dean's heart shattered, just like the glass plate, and just like the world around him.

There was a pit in Dean's stomach, and he found himself backing away from Cas, removing his arms from his body, Cas staring at him with tear-filled eyes, needing to be back in his arms.

"You don't love me anymore?"

"I don't know. I told you, I don't know.."

Oh God, and the tears were coming like a waterfall, and Dean hated crying like this because he was vulnerable, but he just couldn't take it. All of the pent up rage and anger and sadness came spilling out of him, and he was shouting, no words, but shouting, and groaning, and hiccupping, and Cas didn't even falter.

He just sat there and watched, like he knew he shouldn't have done, but he didn't go to Dean, even though he knew he should have. And he was stupid, is what he thought again, because he knew in the back of his mind, again, that he should go to him, and hug him, and tell him it would be alright, but it's never alright. It's never going to just be  _alright_.

"This isn't happening.. I love you, Cas, I love you, please, you're my baby, my angel, I love you, please.."

"Come on.. say you love me, too."

There was no response, and Dean was screaming, smashing more cups and plates, but never daring to touch Cas. He didn' t want to accidentally hurt him, but then, he wanted him to touch him, and hold him, and stop  him from crying, but he just never stopped, and the tears just kept coming, and falling down his chin.

"But do you love him?" Dean said after a while.

Cas shook his head.

"And you don't love me?"

There wasn't a response.

So Cas stood, and he walked past Dean, letting himself sit down on the couch, face in his hands, and God how much he wished he could go back in time and reverse everything. But that could never happen, so he sat there, and he sulked while Dean stood in the kitchen, tears falling slow down his cheeks and to the chin, and he could have sworn he could hear them crash onto the tile floor, but he wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure about anything anymore, except for one thing.

He was almost positive Cas didn't love him anymore, and that pit in his stomach that was only filled with Cas' love for him was suddenly open, gaping and bigger than ever. 

Dean walked over to the couch and sat down a good distance away from Cas.

He didn't want to say what he was going to say.

He never thought he'd have to say it, and he was so hesitant about it that he almost didn't.

"I think you should go." He breathed, not looking at him. His eyes fixed on a random book that was in the shelf, and he had to bite down on his cheeks to keep himself from breaking down again.

Cas turned and looked at Dean after taking his face out of his hands.

He didn't know what to say, again.

"Can I sleep next to you one last time?" He asked, because he didn't want to be alone that night while he was so fragile.

Dean was hesitant, again, to look over at him. "Of course." He said, leaning over and pulling Cas next to him one last time. Cas laid on top of his chest, pressing his fingers into Dean's shirt, not even caring if they were both fully clothed. Dean placed a firm kiss on top of Cas' head, into his hair, letting his nose rest there even when he removed his lips from his scalp.

They didn't say anything at all.

Dean made sure to take in all of Cas' scent, and relished in it, enjoying it while it lasted.

He didn't even sleep that night.

He just ran his fingers up and down Cas' back one last time, and wished he was just dreaming and he'd wake up and it'd be Sunday morning and Cas would be riding him, lazily, like they both loved, and none of this had ever happened.

But when he finally closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep, he realized that it wasn't a dream, and Cas really was going to leave him. That would have been a nightmare, though. A horrid, terrible nightmare.

When Castiel awoke before Dean, sometime around six AM, when the sun was barely even rising, he thought it had just been a dream, too.

But he remembered it all too well to think it was a dream, so he stood, making as little noise as he could, not waking Dean up. 

He took a duffle bag out from the closet and packed his clothes, taking three of Dean's shirts just because he needed them, and then a few pictures of Dean, because he needed him.

Cas sat down in the middle of the bed with the camcorder in his hands, turning it on and going to their first ever video.

  _"Episode one: Dean Winchester in only two layers of clothes. Scandolous."_ He could hear himself laugh behind the camera, and he found himself shedding tears as he watched the video.  _"Why have you got a camcorder?"_ Dean had asked.  _"I found it in the useless box of things. I thought it would be fun."  "You're an idiot."_ Dean had said.

Cas put his hand over his mouth, crying again as the screen moved across Dean's happy face. He was so happy, and now he wasn't because of Cas. Now he was.. he was just sad, and there was no other words to use but sad.

Cas saw himself lean in front of the camera, and then he was kissing Dean, and God if he could have gone back to that moment.

 _"You are extraordinary."_ Dean had said.

Cas downloaded the videos to his laptop, just because he needed to see how happy Dean used to be.

Cas turned off the camcorder and made the bed, setting the camera down in the middle with a little note next to it. 

When he walked back out into the living room, he wished he could have gone back to that moment again, when they were so happy, and everything was so simple. Cas' eyes danced over Dean's sleeping face, looking for any signs of consciousness, but getting none. So he set his duffle bag down on the floor, eyes filled with unshed tears as he walked over to Dean and leaned down.

He kissed him, even though he was asleep, but he just needed to feel his lips one last time. He kissed him so gentle and slow, slow enough that he didn't wake him.

 _"You are extraordinary."_  Cas whispered, quiet, a single tear falling down his cheek.

He stood up and composed himself before he was walking back over to his duffle bag and picking it up, slinging it over his shoulder, looking at Dean's sleeping face once more, lips quivering into a smile that was fading as fast as the tears that fell down his chin.

He turned around, and passed the threshold, leaving the apartment once and for all. He let himself lean against the door for a moment, debating whether or not if he should go back in and stay, or if he should go.

He shook his head, standing up straight, and letting the stairs that led up to what used to be  their apartment disappear behind his feet.

When Dean woke up, the apartment was silent.

He desperately wanted it to be a dream, or a nightmare, but Cas wasn't in his arms, and he found himself digging his face into the pillow that lay against the armrest, shaking his head, screaming into it. 

He didn't want Cas to be gone.

He loved him, so much, so terribly much, that it hurt, everywhere, just everywhere, to know that he was gone, and wouldn't be back. 

He didn't want to think about it, but that was all there was to think about, and it was so frustrating. He wanted to think about Cas, but when he thought about Cas, he'd realize he was gone, and then he was sad all over again.

Like he once said, there's always a dilemma, one way or another.

When he stood, he walked into the bedroom to see if Cas was there, only to find the camcorder and the note.

He looked at the folded piece of paper, face blank, emotionless, and he had to force himself to sit down on the bed and unfold it.

Their were only two words on the page, strewn unorderly across the middle of the lined paper.

 

 

 

_Remember us._


	17. All

"Sammy, I can't do it.." Dean choked, bringing the bottle of Scotch to his lips. Sam stared at him, at his brother, who was anything but healthy. He hadn't shaved, he had bags under his eyes, and his voice was lower, raspier, from screaming so much. Dreams of his father were reappearing, and nightmares of the incident that happened between him and Cas three months ago were playing in his head almost constantly.

He tried his best not to sleep, in fear of his dreams, and his nightmares.

"Dean, you can't stay in here and sulk. You have to forget about Cas-"

"Don't say that!" Dean exclaimed, interrupting him, green eyes suddenly so wide. "Don't say his name. Don't tell me to forget him, because I can't. You don't know what it's like, Sammy.. you don't know how terrible I feel after the one thing I really, really loved left me. So don't say his name, and don't tell me to forget him, because I can't. I just can't."

Sam saw every ounce of pain in his voice, and in his face. "I'm sorry.." He sighed, sitting down on the couch. Dean stared at him, all pain and sadness in his face. He was so, terribly broken without Cas. He'd been broken before, yes, when he had lived with his father, but he'd never felt such a horrid pain. And it wasn't physical, but it was mental, and internal, because he ached all over. He ached all over when he'd wake up and Cas wasn't there, and he'd ache all over when he'd have a dream of his father and Cas wouldn't be there to comfort him.

He would ache all over when he knew that Cas wasn't coming back.

He wasn't.

He just wasn't.

"You have to take care of yourself. Eat real food. Stop drinking." Sam gestured to the multiple empty bottles of beer and whiskey, and a half-eaten sandwhich on the coffee table. "You have to get back to work, man. I'm not telling you that it's not okay to mourn, but you have to take care of yourself. What would he think, Dean?"

Dean put his face in his hands, shaking his head.

For a moment, Cas was there, running his fingers through his hair, but then he was gone, and it was just him and Sam in the room.

"I know, Sam.. I know what he'd think..  but I can't do it.." He paused himself, standing and putting his hands on the counter, ducking his head, shaking it.

"I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.." He breathed, tears falling down his cheeks. Sam looked at the back of his head, not talking, but standing. "I'm going to get you some food." Sam walked out of the door, shutting it, and Dean was left alone, no Cas to comfort him.

It was a feeling so terribly hard to get used to.

He was afraid he'd never get used to it.

\---

Cas sat in the therapist's office, blank faced, staring off into space.

He put himself in there because he needed to be able to tell someone about what happened between him and Dean, and the lady, his therapist, Naomi, was very nice. 

And to normal people, he looked so average, and so just, normal, when in reality. and internally, he was just not okay.

He was bad for Dean.

He saw what he was doing to him, and he told himself it was the right thing to stay away from him.

He had moved to New York, un-enrolling from Stanford and going to NYU, living with Anna, his sister. 

"You have to call him, Cas.."

"No, I don't. I can't, Anna, you don't understand."

"Then get back on your anti-depressants. Go find some friends, Cas. You can't sit around all day and watch those stupid videos."

"They're not stupid!" He screamed, angry. 

"It's all I have of him, Anna."

"Cas, you still love him. He thinks you don't love him anymore, and you know he still loves you." Anna sighed, Cas' lips quivering. "I know, God, I know.. I want him back, and I want to go back to him, but I'm bad for him, Anna. Can't you see that?"

"I can't see that because you're wrong. You know Jo. I know her from when I lived in California; she says he's really bad." Cas sighed, bowing his head.

"Just go get me some food.. please?" 

Anna nodded and stood, grabbing her keys and leaving the small New York apartment. 

Cas pulled his laptop up into his lap and opened the video of Dean singing to him.

Just to see him, and to hear him again was good, but it wasn't enough. It was never, ever enough. He covered his mouth with his hands, tears falling again. When the video was over, he was setting his laptop down, and there was a text appearing on his phone.

Dean:  _Come back._

Oh God.

He screamed, throwing his phone across the room. It must have cracked, because it hit the wall hard, falling to the ground harder. He couldn't go back to him. No, he couldn't. He would just fail him again, and again, and he would make him sad again.

But he didn't know that he was so bad, and so he let the text sit there, awaiting an answer, and getting none. 

But what was truly sad was that Dean had never sent that text, and it was his mind telling him to go back, but he didn't, because the majority said to stay, so he stayed.

\---

Sam stared at Dean from where he sat on the couch, his brother sitting in the armchair, having finished his burger, and the room was silent.

"Is Jess treating you well?" Dean asked after a while, Sam nodding. "Yeah, she's great. We went to Carmel Beach for her birthday." He smiled warmly, Dean ducking his head.

That was the beach he went to with Cas.

"That's great.." He managed to say, staring off into space.

 _"Why can't we stay here forever?" Cas said, leaning up against Dean, on his side on the blanket. "Because sadly, life isn't a fairy tale." Dean stated simply, Cas sighing. "Why can't we live together until we grow old and we're bickering at each other about how gray our hair is getting? Wouldn't that be great.." Cas sighed, looking up at Dean._ He remembered himself being so content, staring down into Cas' blue eyes -- blue eyes like stars.

 _"You want to live with me forever?"_ The memory was so vivid that he could feel himself running his fingers through Cas' hair, and it was so heavenly, and welcoming, that he could've cried, but he kept it in.  _"'Course I do. Couldn't think of any other way to spend my life."_ Well look how that turned out, Dean thought to himself.

"Dean?" Sam asked, snapping him out of it.

"What?"

"You were out of it for a moment. You've been doing that a lot. Are you okay?"

"No, Sammy. I'm not."

\---

"What's on your mind, Castiel?"

"You know very well what's on my mind."

He never went to the therapist to forget Dean -- no, God no. He went to forget the bad memories. He went to remember the good ones, but there was never any progress.

"Well, tell me how you're doing. Are you still on your anti-depressants? Have you been doing good in school?" She crossed her legs, a clipboard and pen in her hands, ready to take notes. "Yes, I'm taking my anti-depressants daily. I'm getting good grades, I guess. And I'm feeling like shit." He was never one to sugar-coat things, so that was utter honesty.

Naomi scribbled away at her paper before she was looking back up at him. "I've asked this many times before, Castiel. What do you think you should do to stop yourself from feeling that way?"

"And you've told me many times before to just go on with my normal life, and I am, but everything reminds me of him, Naomi.. everything. The cafe on third street, and Central Park, and that carnival that came in last month. Everything, Naomi. Everything." He sighed, admitting it, because it was so true. "You have to learn to push those memories out, Castiel. You have to learn to--"

"I know! I know what I need to do, and I'm trying, God, I'm trying so fucking hard, but I still love him, but I'm bad for him, and I can never go back to him, and that's why I'm feeling like shit! Because I'm not with him, Naomi. There's no other answer, can't you see that!?" Naomi sat in her chair, content with herself, as though she's seen all too many tantrums before. 

"Calm down, Castiel."

"I can't fucking calm down! You don't know what it's like!" He stood up out of his chair and paced the room, holding himself back from shedding any tears. "Tell me about him, then. What was he like?" She asked, Cas leaning against the wall, ducking his head, staring at his feet.

"He was perfect." He started, closing his eyes so he could imagine him. "His green eyes were greener than anything you've ever seen, and his freckles.. God, I always loved his freckles.." He could feel his lips quivering into a smile. "He was tall, taller than me, and he always made me smile. He could play guitar, and he wrote me a song once.. He told me I was perfect almost every day, and I guess that's what I miss most. I don't have him telling me how amazing I am anymore, so now I'm not amazing, and now I'm just pathetic Castiel."

When he opened his eyes, he saw Dean, right there, cupping his cheeks, but he blinked, and he was gone.

"Before we were together, I mean, really together, I got real bad.. not as bad as I am, now, 'cause my brother Michael died and I hurt myself. I lost so much blood that he had to take me to the hospital, and really, I say this with the most honesty I could ever muster up, that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. He made me so happy, Naomi, and now it's my fault that I'm sad again.."

"Can you tell me how you two broke up?"

"No. No, I don't want to think about it." 

Naomi nodded and jotted that down.

\---

Dean went to the park again, three weeks after his encounter with Sam.

He knew it would only remind him of Cas, but he needed Cas, and he needed to get out more, so he settled for going to the park.

 _"You're beautiful, you know that?" Dean said after a bit of just walking and holding Cas' hand. "Dean.." Cas breathed, looking up at him with uncertainty._ _"That's not true."_ _"Yeah, it is, Cas."_ _"You're just saying that because you don't want me to hate myself or somethin'."_ He kept walking, hands in his pockets, head down.  He could've sworn he felt Cas with him, next to him, talking to him.

 _"No, you really are beautiful. You're perfect, Cas -- absolutely amazing." Dean insisted, Cas' blue eyes widening at his words. "No, I'm not. I hurt myself, I'm stubborn, I'm not important." Dean shook his head, leaning his head down and catching Cas' lips with his own._ _"You're important to me."_

He remembered  himself smiling, happy, and so content. He was always so content when he was with Cas -- always so peaceful and carefree.

_"Dean, I'm not-"_

_"Shut up." Dean said with a sly smile, kissing Cas again with a bit more force, though, still gentle. Their chests pressed together, lips moving against each other's, hands interconnected, Cas felt wanted -- needed._

He found  himself, then, pressing his back against a tree and ducking his head, trying to push the images of Cas out of his head, but the stars reminded him of his eyes, and the ocean reminded him of the day they spent there, and everything reminded him of him, and it was oh-so frustrating. He just wanted it to be over.

He just wanted the sadness to be gone.

He just wanted to be back in his good place, with Cas, instead of how deep, how terribly deep he was in his bad place.

Again, he was wishing to himself he couldn't feel a damn thing.

\---

 **Two Years Later** and they were getting better.

"Dean, oh my god, Dean, pick up the phone!" Sam shouted, a smile on his face. 

Dean picked up the phone, giving a disgruntled "what" to his brother. 

"I'm gonna marry her! I'm marrying Jess, Dean!" He exclaimed, a smile spreading across Dean's face. "Sammy, that's awesome!" He hadn't felt that good since he had Castiel by his side. "I proposed not twenty minutes ago and I just couldn't keep it to ourselves any longer. Don't tell anyone." Dean could hear Sam's smile on his face through the phone, and he laughed.

He hadn't laughed in a year, or at least, he hadn't laughed sober in a year.

"Sammy, that's awesome. You two are amazing together." 

He imagined Cas' reaction; jumping up and down and smiling big and wide, telling him how great they were together and how amazing their wedding would be. He smiled out of the corner of his mouth, eyes hooded, letting out a shaky breath. "I'm proud of you, Sammy." Dean sat up from where he was in his bed. He had Cas' pillow under his head.

It smelled like him.

"I gotta go, Dean. She's trying to get in my pants." Sam laughed, and Dean could hear Jess giggling, and then the phone was clicking off.

"Wear a condom!" Dean shouted over the phone, but Sam was already off, and it was silent again.

The dim lighting of his bedroom made everything seem so dull and plain.

He had to think of Cas, and what he would say if he didn't force himself to get up in the mornings.

So with thoughts of Cas, he would get up.

Especially on Sunday mornings.

He used to love Sunday mornings.

\---

"I used to love Sunday mornings." Cas said to Anna, a content smile on Anna's face. They sat on the balcony, looking at the cars, listening to it all. Cas had a bagel in his hand when he closed his eyes and pictured him riding Dean like he used to do almost every Sunday morning.

It didn't get him hard, though, somehow.

He didn't know how to say he felt about it.

I guess he felt happy. No, not happy, but content, really. Because the Sunday mornings he shared with Dean were never about the pure pleasure, but about relishing their closeness, and how comfortable they were with each other, and how perfectly content Dean would be just laying there, letting Cas do what he wanted.

"Why?" Anna asked, turning to him.

"Dean and I would always be so lazy on Sundays. We'd stay in bed most of the time, and just be close. I miss him so much, Anna. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes."

Anna put her hand on his shoulder, moving it down his back and rubbing, comforting him. She was a good sister; Cas had to admit, because when he closed his eyes while she rubbed his back, crying or not, he could see Dean there, and it made him feel a pinch better.

But she didn't have to do that much. She knew Cas was fragile; she's known that her whole life. She took care of him when he was younger, and got him through his first case of depression. She helped him whenever she could when he was younger, because help was what Cas needed, so in a sense, she knew what it must have been like to lose Dean.

To lose the help that got him through each day.

But that's never happened to her, so she couldn't relate. But she could imagine, and what she imagined wasn't good.

\---

 **Christmas Came Around**  for the third time after Castiel left, and it was so dull without him shifting from room to room with his camcorder in his hands.

Dean didn't use it.

He thought he should leave it for only memories of him and Cas, or him and Cas with his family.

Not his family, because as of now, he didn't need his family like he needed Cas. Yeah, they helped him through things, but they helped him through  _not_ having Cas, and  _having_ Cas was the only thing that would really give way to a path out of his bad place.

So he sat alone in the armchair, holding hot chocolate in his hand.

He missed it when Cas made him hot chocolate.

It was always so good, because he'd put caramel into it, and use a candy cane to stir it so it had a mint taste in it. He tried to replicate it, but it was never as good as when Cas made it. It's like he had some secret ingredient that Dean couldn't quite get. 

He would tease him when he said caramel as care-uh-mel, and Cas would always scoff at him and say that's how it's supposed to be pronounced, but Dean would say that it was car-muhl, not care-a-mel, and they would just always end up laughing and kissing.

He missed those days so, terribly much.

"Is he doing okay?" Jo asked Sam, who shook his head. "He's gotten a little better, but, to be honest, he hasn't ever been the same. I've never seen him this bad, Jo." They were upstairs, away from Dean so he wouldn't hear them.

"I don't know what to do, Jo.. nothing's working." Sam sighed in defeat, leaning against a bookshelf. "He needs to find someone." Jo said, like that would solve everything. "I told him that, or at least tried to. But he just tells me that he could never find someone like Cas again. So he doesn't ever go looking for another girl or guy to hang out with." Sam explained.

"Oh." Jo said flatly, crossing her arms.

"Then I don't know what to do, Sam.. I don't know what to do."

"Does anyone?"

\---

"Anna, is he doing any better?" Hannah asked, turning to her sister after Cas walked off to go to the bathroom. "Generally." The redhead said back, shrugging her shoulders. "He doesn't zone out as much, but I know when he does. He used to zone out a lot, but he's still taking anti-depressants and going to the therapist." Anna explained.

Hannah sighed. "Do you think he'll ever forget him? Move on?"

"No. I've asked him to try to forget him, but he'll get so angry. It's like Dean was a part of him, and still is, in a way. He's so lost, still. Sometimes I find him standing in the middle of a room, blank faced, not doing anything but just standing there. I don't know what's going on with him, Hannah.." Anna sighed, taking a bite of her food.

"Huh." Hannah said, simply, ending the conversation.

Cas walked back into the room and sat down, eating his food, oblivious to the conversation his sisters just had.

An hour later and Anna and Cas were leaving, heading back to the apartment, Anna making sure Cas went to be at a decent hour. 

And he didn't know what he was doing when he poured out the entirety of the rest of his anti-depressants into his hand, throwing them into his mouth, all four at once, taking water from the beside table and swallowing.

When Anna came to check on him, he was laying on the ground, unconscious, and he was rushed to the hospital to get the drugs flushed out of his system.

He survived.

Barely.

Anna:  _He almost died. Doctor said he overdosed on anti-depressants_

Anna sent the text while she sat next to Cas' hospital bed, Hannah next to her.

Jo:  _I'm telling Dean_

Anna:  _You can't. You know what Cas would say_ _  
_

Jo: _I have to tell him. I can't just let him not know that Cas almost died. You're in New York, Anna. He's not going to come rushing to see if he's okay. Take a picture of him and send it to me_

Anna:  _Fine._

She took a picture of Cas, who was hooked up to an IV, tubes in his nose. He looked so thin. 

She clicked send, and Jo recieved it a moment later.

Jo:  _Cas isn't doing good_

Dean:  _How do you know?_

Jo sent the picture, and Dean almost dropped his phone when he saw it.

"Oh God.." He muttered to himself, staring at the picture with wide green eyes, free hand moving down his face. "Oh God, Cas.. Cas, baby.." He breathed, eyes fixed on Cas' unconscious face.

There was no way he could afford to go across country to New York. He couldn't afford a ticket, nor did he want to get on a plane, but he would if he had to. But he didn't.

So he sat there, and stared at what was Cas with more than stubble, thin, thinner than he's ever been, through the screen of his phone, unable to hold his hand and comfort him. God, how he missed holding his hand. 

Dean:  _How do you have that picture? You're not in New York_

Jo:  _Anna sent it to me. I'll tell her to tell Cas you said hi._

Dean:  _No_

Jo:  _Why?_

Dean:  _Because he doesn't love me anymore so why would he want to hear from me?_

Jo didn't respond after that.

She wouldn't be the one to break it to Dean that Cas still had major feelings for him. In a way, she felt guilty about it, but she knew she was doing somewhat of the right thing.

Dean must have stared at that picture for hours. 

Dean:  _What happened to him?_

Jo:  _He overdosed on anti-depressants_

Dean:  _Oh_

Jo:  _Yeah_

They stopped texting all together after that, and Dean went back to look at the picture.

\---

Three days passed and Cas was talking again, but still dozing off in the middle of sentences. 

"We found out that he was doing a lot more than just anti-depressants, Anna." Said the nurse.

"What?"

"He had.. cocaine in his system."

"He what?"

"You didn't know this?"

"No! Goddammit, Cas.." She shook her head.  _How could you do that to yourself?_ She thought to herself, looking up at the nurse and composing herself. "He's going to be okay, right?"

"Of course. Just make sure he doesn't get hold of any drugs again. I can arrange for a probation nurse to go to your house a couple days a week. Does that sound alright?" Anna nodded.

"He'll be able to leave in a week or so." The nurse smiled, Anna gulping and nodding. "Thank you." "No problem, Ms. Novak." The nurse left the room, closing the door behind her.

Anna:  _Can you come back to the hospital?_

Hannah:  _Why? I'm working_

Anna:  _I have to go back to the apartment for a little bit. They found out that he was doing cocaine, too_

Hannah:  _What?! I'll be there in an hour_

Anna:  _Ok. Thx._

She clicked her phone off, looking up and taking Cas' hand, shaking it. He didn't wake up -- he was sleeping as of then. "God, you need to take care of yourself, Cas. Don't be like this -- don't mess yourself up like this.." She breathed, desperate to have her brother back.

In a way, she needed Dean, too.

Because Dean was the only person who could really make Cas happy, so if Cas was happy, Anna was happy. 

But Cas wasn't happy, so she wasn't happy, and everything was just a mess. A great big mess.

\---

Two months went by and Sam convinced Dean to go out and find someone.

Dean had stopped working at the therapist office, and was taking shifts at the mechanics. So he was free most of the time, and with the pay at the mechanic shop, he got by.

When he found his old patient at the bar Sam had taken Dean at, she had walked up to him with a smile on her face.

"Hey, Dean! Haven't seen you in forever!" Lisa said, taking him in a hug. But Dean just kind of stood there, not moving his arms. "I just broke up with Crowley.. you wanna get a drink?" She asked, smiling. Dean shrugged and nodded, getting the bartender to come over and pour them some beers.

"How have you been?" Lisa asked.

"Fucking terrible." He admitted for what must have been the thousandth time. "What happened?" Lisa asked, furrowing her brow, acting like she cared.

"I'm still getting over a.. bad break up." He sighed in defeat, shaking the images of Cas out of his head.

"Oh, honey.." Lisa continued to act, but all she wanted to do was get into Dean's pants. Dean didn't realize -- he was too consumed in the beer he had to care. "Do you wanna come to my place and talk about it?" Lisa asked.

"I'll go to your place but I'm not going to talk about it." Dean said, hopping off of the bar stool and walking out of the bar with Lisa.

When they made it to the bedroom, Dean made her turn off the lights for only one reason; so he could tune out the fact that it was Lisa, and so he could think it was Cas.

When he finished, he thought it was pathetic for him to do that, but in a way, he felt better.

But the lips were different, and the hands were all too firm, and it wasn't the way Cas touched him, or made love to him. No, not even close.

\---

Cas  was back at the apartment with Meg Masters, his probation nurse. She was nice, and always called him Clarence for some reason.

"You take your anti-depressants?" She asked, Cas nodding. "Good. Now c'mon. I've been makin' chicken." Cas smiled and followed her into the kitchen, sitting down at the table and waiting for her to give the plate.

When he looked down, he realized he'd been wearing one of Dean's shirts, and frowned. 

"What?" Meg asked.

"This is one of his shirts."

"Who's?"

"Never mind." 

Meg shrugged and handed him the plate, letting him cut his chicken (which is something she hadn't allowed him to do at first, but it wasn't like he was crazy, like some of her other patients), sitting down at the table next to him and talking with him.

"You have a meeting at the therapist's tomorrow." Meg said, taking a bite of chicken. "I know." Cas nodded, eating, too. "Good. You remembered this time." She smiled, leaning back in her chair and checking the time.

"It's seven o'clock. I gotta run." She stood, patting Cas' shoulder on the way out, leaving him alone, eating at the table, apartment quiet.

\---

 **Two Weeks**  and Dean had gotten the flu.

He was still with Lisa, and was his coping mechanism, but he still felt like shit, both physically and mentally. He didn't know what it was -- it wasn't even flu season, really, and it was so sudden, and hit him like a train.

He had a sore throat, headaches all the time, and his joints ached like hell.

Lisa told him he'd get better, and helped him through it, 

But it went on for weeks, and there was no way this was the flu, but that's what the symptons said -- the flu on steroids. 

He didn't like going to the doctor, so he didn't go, even when Lisa and Sam insisted on it. 

But it was getting worse, and it definitely wasn't the flu anymore.

Lisa knew when she found Dean waking up almost every night a week, sweating, and would go back to sleep, and say he didn't remember it ever happening.

She finally took him to the hospital three months after the symptons started showing to get him checked out.

\---

Two days later and the doctor had the test results.

Lisa cried.

Dean cried.

There was no way this was happening.

It was because of Lisa, though, because Crowley had it, and then passed it to Lisa, who didn't get effected by it, somehow. 

But it was definitely effecting Dean, and he was almost instantly put into intensive care. 

\---

 _"_ Anna! Pick up the fucking phone!" Jo exclaimed through tears.

When Anna picked up the phone, she answered with a hello, then realized Jo was crying.

"Jo, what happened!?" She asked, Jo hiccuping, tears running down her cheeks like crazy.

She had just gotten the news, and she knew now that she had to do it. She had to get him back in California.

"Dean's dying, Anna! Dean's dying, oh God, my brother's dying!" She screamed through the phone, crying like a madman (or, woman). 

"What?!" 

Cas came out of his room to see what all the comotion was about, and Anna was tearing up. He noticed she was on the phone, and made a  _tell me what's going on_ face at her.

Jo said somthing over the phone and Anna was covering her mouth, Cas desperately trying to get her attention. When the phone clicked off, Cas stared at her, and he started to think of why she was crying.

Did something happen to Hannah?

Had someone broke up with her, maybe?

He didn't know.

But when Anna turned to her brother and walked over to him, she stared at him for a long moment before she said it.

"He's got AIDS, Cas.."

Cas took a moment to realize what she had just said. It was like the world was suddenly frozen, and all he could do was just stand there. He didn't do anything. He just stood. And Anna looked at him for any signs of emotion.

The signs showed when Cas' knees buckled, and he was falling, face in his hands, screaming into them.

"This isn't fair!" He shouted, angry, angrier than ever, angrier than he was when he had to leave Dean, and angrier when he had ever been.

"Cas, stop it! Calm down!"

"I can't! I can't -- I'm trying, and I can't! I've been trying, Anna! I've been trying so hard, and all for this?! He's dying.. he's dying, Anna, he's dying.. Dean's dying.. oh God, my Dean is dying.." He just couldn't contain himself anymore. He just couldn't.

This wasn't fair.

He shouted to God, and he shouted to Anna, and at everyone in this terrible fucking world, because he just wanted all the pain to be over. It was too much, and it was eating away at him, like the drugs, and like the depression, and he just couldn't take it anymore.

"I want to see him! Take me there! Right now, Anna, right now!" He exclaimed, and Anna was actually doing it.

She actually went and packed a suitcase and a duffle bag.

She knew how terrible this was.

She knew how sad Cas must be feeling.

She knew how broken he was.

Because this was how she felt when Michael died.

 


	18. At

**Six Months, Maybe More**

Meg and Hannah sat in their own seats.

Hannah had insisted on coming, and Meg had to be there to make sure Cas didn't do anything stupid.

Almost the entire plane ride, Cas had his face in his hands. Anna managed to get him to sleep so he could keep his mind off things, but it didn't work much. Or, at all, really. 

_The room was cold, quiet, and seeming to be empty. The feeling of eyes on him, though, made him turn around. He saw him standing there, healthy, alright, a smile on his face. "Hey, Cas..." He breathed, Cas' lips parting. He walked up to him, slow, much slower than he thought he should be going._

_They were so close, lips almost touching when it happened._

_Dean was suddenly gone, Cas looking around, because he was so close, so close to kissing him again, but he wasn't there._

_And then he was again._

_Behind him, this time._

_And Dean had his hands on his cheeks, suddenly, and when he quite literally started to fall away, Cas grabbed him, but he kept falling, and he was gone, again, for the second time._

_"Dean?" He called out, and he was appearing with his arms wrapped around his waist this time, lips pressing against his ear, and he wasn't saying anything, or doing anything, but standing there._

_Until he spoke up._

_"This is your fault." Dean said firmly, anger in his words._

_"You're the reason I'm in the hospital right now, Cas, don't you know that? If you hadn't gone and cheated on me, none of this would have ever happened. We could've been happy, Cas, don't you know that? We could've been so happy but you went and ruined it by leaving me alone to take care of myself."_

_"I thought I was doing the right thing.." Cas stuttered out, and he didn't seem to muster up the right words, or the words he wanted to say, or the tears he felt like he should be shedding._

_"The right thing? You got me so bad, Cas. It's all your fault that I'm like this, and now you can't do anything about it. You could have helped, or seen me sooner, or come back to me, but you never did, and look where you are now. On a plane, to go see me in what's gonna be my death bed. I should've never even met you, Cas. I could've been happy, you could've been happy if we hadn't met."_

_"Dean, stop it.." Cas breathed, and he could feel his throat swelling up, awaiting a sob, but nothing came out, and no tears spilled._

_"Stop it? I'm not gonna stop. You never stopped going out to 'study' and you never stopped disappointing me, so I have all the right to keep going. You're so bad for me, Cas. Why are you even coming to the hospital?"_

_And then the grip around his waist was gone and Cas was still trying to cry, but he couldn't, and Dean was gone, and he wasn't back this time._

He jolted awake, Anna tapping on his shoulder.

"We're in California." She said softly, Cas staring at her with wide eyes.

"What?" Anna asked, noticing his panting. "Bad dream?" Cas nodded, and Anna hugged him before the pilot was speaking something about how they've landed and were in the sunny, happy California.

They got off the plane, heading to baggage pick up, being greeted by Sam, Jess, and Jo.

Jess pretty much jumped into Cas' arms, and Sam was emotionless, just standing there, not doing much. Jo didn't do much but stand there, too. Hannah and Meg looked at the foreign people with sad, caring eyes, because each one of them was on the verge of tears.

"Long time, no see.." Sam said after Jessica backed away, and Cas was leaning in and hugging Sam, too. He hugged Jo, and then they were introducing Meg and Hannah to everyone, a blank look on Cas and Sam's faces. 

They were at the center of all of this, to be honest.

Jo didn't grow up with Dean like Sam did, but it wasn't like Jo wasn't sad or anything. God, she was feeling like shit, but Sam was, more than her.

And Cas, though, he got hit harder than anyone.

"I need to see him.." Cas breathed, and Anna was nodding, the group making their way to their cars. Sam rode with Meg, Sam, and Jess to the hospital while Jo, Anna and Hannah were in their own car.

"How are you, Sam?" Cas managed to say, but there wasn't any emotion in his voice. Not a single ounce. He just needed to rid the silence.

"Jess and I are engaged." He said flatly, like he wanted to be happy about it, but just couldn't manage. "That's great, Sam." He let a warm smile spread across his lips, and he leaned up to pat Sam on the shoulder. "We had to postpone the wedding." Jess said sadly.

The heavy essence of despair was clinging to their bodies and sticking in the air like gum on the bottom of a shoe. It went everywhere, and got even worse when Jess and Meg led Cas to the room Dean was in.

He had to mentally prepare himself, and he almost couldn't get him to go in, because the bad part of his mind was saying that he was bad for Dean, but the good part was saying otherwise.

When he walked in, it was like the world was slow, and motionless. He stared at Dean from across the room, his body so small, so much smaller than he'd ever seen him. He couldn't believe his eyes, almost, and he wasn't even breathing for a moment, because after all these years, he was there, and he was in front of him. 

His head turned and he was expecting it to be one of the nurses, but it was Cas, and his lips parted, and he stared, their eyes catching onto each other's, before Cas was walking towards him, so much faster than he had in his dream, and he was taking his hand, eyes closing, sucking in for air. He couldn't believe what he was feeling, oh God, it was heavenly.

"Oh.. Cas.. you're finally.. here.." Dean breathed out, green eyes so colorless, and Cas couldn't help but gasp at the sound of hearing Dean say his name. He let his thumb run over the back of Dean's hand, making semi-circles, and God, he had no idea if anything could feel so heavenly. "I.. am  _so_ sorry.." Cas choked out, and Dean shook his head, staring up at him with wide, pale green eyes. _  
_

"Don't.. apologize.. you're here.. now.."

The girls stared at them from the open door, listening, watching the scene unfold, and God, neither of them knew how Cas wasn't crying yet. Dean reached his free hand out, waving it, signalling for Cas to come closer. So Cas pulled up a chair and he sat, right next to Dean's bed.

"I forgot.. how blue your eyes.. were.." Dean breathed out a chuckle, but it ended in a coughing fit, and Cas didn't know what to do but just sit there and watch. "I missed you, oh God, I missed you so much." Cas managed, and he was leaning up, kissing him, lips so slow, so gentle, Dean's fingers tightening around Cas' hand. "I.. forgot what your.. lips felt like.." Dean smiled warmly, and Cas smiled back, but his lips were quivering and he broke again, his head dropping to the space between the edge of the bed and Dean.

"This is my fault.. you're in here because of me, I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry.." Cas repeated, and Dean was shaking his head. "Don't.. cry.. I'm right here.. I want you.. to be happy.. don't cry, baby.." Dean reached a shaky hand out and ran his fingers through his hair, so gentle. "I love you, I love you so much, I never stopped, I'm so sorry.."

He could hear Jess gasp, and turn around to bury her face in Sam's shirt, curling her fingers into the fabric, crying.

Meg looked at Dean with wide eyes, because this is who he was talking about when he said he was wearing his shirt.

She imagined him to be so much more muscular.

Well, he used to be.

"I.. love you.. too.." Dean managed, and Cas didn't even care anymore. He just got up and put himself next to Dean, wrapping his arms around him, Dean's weak body shaking, moving arms to wrap around Cas, too.

"I missed.. you.. I missed.. this.." Dean breathed out, Cas nodding, kissing him again.

"I know, God, I know.." Cas muttered out, and Dean let out a long, shaky sigh before he closed his eyes, the soft sound of "I.." trailing off his lips. He slipped into unconsciousness soon after that, and the feeling Cas had couldn't be put into words.

Meg walked in and sat down on the chair that Cas had pulled up, watching the two, Cas' back to Meg's face. Jo came in and sat in another chair, chest against the back of the chair, legs on either side.

Sam rubbed Jess' back from the doorway, and he couldn't help but shed a tear at the reunion he had just experienced in front of him.

\---

Cas slept better than he had in years, the feeling of him in Dean's arms and Dean in his arms lulling him easily to an eight hour sleep. 

When he woke up, he thought it was going to be a dream, or a nightmare, or both, and he would be back in New York, but it wasn't, and Dean was there, in front of him, sleeping.

Cas brushed short hairs off of his forehead, daring not to wake him.

Meg was asleep across two chairs, and Sam, Jo, and Jess had to go into the waiting room that was down the hallway.

Around nine AM, Meg was bringing in food for Cas, and Dean's nurse, Missouri, was bringing in his, too. 

Cas helped him sit up, propping the pillows up behind them, the tray of food across their laps. Cas had to help him eat, and he hated to see Dean like this, but he was, and it was permanent, probably, too. "You never.. told me.. who that is.." Dean gestured over to Cas' probation nurse, who smiled softly at the two. "That's Meg. She's my probation nurse."

"Probation.. why do you need.. a probation.. nurse?" Dean asked. "I got real bad, Dean.. real bad.." Cas explained, Dean nodding slowly, before Cas was feeding him another spoonful of applesauce. "Thank you.. for coming here.. to see me.." Dean said after he smacked his lips and gulped down all of his food.

"I don't think I could have let myself live another day if I hadn't come here." Cas said, Dean's pale green eyes catching up to Cas', wonder dotted in them, a wonder Cas hadn't seen since the day at the beach. "I love you.. so much.. Castiel.. Novak.." Dean muttered, and he realized he had just done what Cas used to do with him -- said his entire name.

Because he didn't feel like he would have finished his sentence if he had just said Cas.

No, not that time.

"Do you want me to put on some music?" Castiel asked, Dean nodding, but then again, he didn't want him to leave the bed. So when he was shifting to get out and stand to put his phone into the speakers, Dean was tugging desperately on his arm, keeping him in bed.

So Cas settled for handing Meg his phone, her connecting it to the speakers, waiting for someone to say what song to play.

"Play.. that song.. um.. Asleep.. that song.. we danced to.."

"The Smiths?"

"Yeah.. The Smiths.." Dean nodded, so Meg put in Asleep by The Smiths.

_Sing me to sleep,_  
 _Sing me to sleep,_  
 _I'm tired and I, I want to go to bed,_  
 _Sing me to sleep,_  
 _Sing me to sleep,_  
 _And then leave me alone,_  
 _Don't try to wake me in the morning 'cause I will be gone.  
Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know.._

Dean found himself tearing up a minute into the song, and Cas just pressed  him closer, and he didn't want him to cry, but he was, and they both were.

 _Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go,_  
Sing me to sleep,  
Sing me to sleep,   
I don't wake up on my own anymore,   
Sing to me, sing to me,   
I don't want to make up on my own anymore  
Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know..  

"I don't wanna die.. I'm too.. young.. this isn't fair, Cas.. this isn't.. fair.."  Dean choked, and Cas was crying harder now. "I don't wanna die, Cas, please.." Cas didn't say anything because he couldn't do anything.

He couldn't do anything and it was so frustrating and unfair.

_Deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go_  
 _There is another world,_  
 _There is a better world,_  
Well, there must be  
 _Well, there must be_  
 _Well, there must be_  
 _Well, there must be_  
 _Well..._

"Dean, calm down, please.." Cas breathed, because Dean was hiccuping, and choking, and he couldn't do anything about it. The heartbeat monitor was going crazy and the nurses had to rush Cas out of the room, along with Meg and Jo.

"No! I love him! Let me stay, stop it!" Cas exclaimed as they escorted him out of the room, but Meg was pulling him out and keeping him from hurting someone. 

 _Bye bye_  
Bye bye  
Bye...

**Six Months, Probably Less**

Cas had his face in his hands as he sat in the waiting room, the group of college students, and high school student, all quiet, and silent. 

They could hear a pin drop.

Bobby and Jody had arrived that day, too.

There were so many people there that Cas couldn't help but think to himself  _this is like a fucking funeral._

Hours went by and they were all so terribly aching, every second like a minute and every minute like an hour.

By the time it was midnight, Cas was still awake, everyone else asleep. He was so anxious, and he was shaking with unshed tears, about to fall asleep until Missouri came down the hallway and smiled warmly at him.

"He's okay, Castiel. You can see him, he's okay." She said, and Cas literally jumped out of his chair and ran down the hallway, opening the door to Dean's hospital room to see him unconscious from all of the drugs they had to give him, or sleeping.

He couldn't tell.

Breaths heavy, he shut the door behind him, walking over to the bed and crawling in with him.

"I thought you were dead, oh God, I thought you were dead, but you're okay.. Jesus.. I thought you were dead.." Cas said repeatedly, wrapping an arm around Dean's middle. He buried his head in his neck, relishing the smell more than he ever has in his life.

"Don't go, Dean.. don't go, please.. stay with me.. I want you stay with me.." He breathed, even though he was asleep, but he didn't care, he needed to say it. 

"You remember.. that first time I rode you in our new apartment? And I just kept doing it, every Sunday, every lazy Sunday, hot or cold, raining or not, it was still a perfect Sunday.." He breathed out a chuckle, lips quivering back down to a frown. 

"It was so simple.. we were so happy.. I'm so stupid, Dean.. I'm so stupid.. I miss those Sundays, and I miss recording you, and I miss you.. just you.. even though you're here, you're not the same, and we both know that.." Cas admitted, and Dean was still motionless, breaths slow, coming out of his parted lips. 

"I love you, though. I never stopped, Dean.. never.. I was so stupid for leaving you that day.. I remember standing there, leaning against the door, thinking whether or not I should go back in or not, and I didn't, and I'm so stupid.." He blamed himself for everything, even though he knew what Dean would say to him if he had heard him. 

So he stopped, after a while, and closed his eyes, letting him fall asleep again. 

\---

"You told me.. to remember.. us.." Dean said suddenly, waking Cas up to pale green eyes.

"What?"

"The note.." Dean said, and Cas' shoulders dropped. "Oh.."

"I left the camcorder there for you so you could remember us. I didn't want you to forget me.." 

"Oh, Cas.. I would never.. forget you.." 

Cas smiled warmly, putting his hand on the back of Dean's neck and pulling him close for another kiss.

When Cas pulled away, Dean's brow was furrowed, and he looked confused.

"You've aged.." He muttered softly, but Cas didn't look all too different -- just more stubble, and stronger jawline.

"Of course I have. It's been three years." Cas said with a sigh.

"What? You were just.. with me.. on the couch..?" Dean said, and Cas was closing his eyes, sucking in a breath.

"That was three years ago, Dean.."

"But.. you were just.. there.."

Before Cas knew it, Dean was asleep, again.

After all, memory loss was a symptom of AIDS. 

\--- 

 **Three Weeks**  and days went by so slow.

Dean would slip in and out of consciousness, and when he'd wake up, he'd look around, confused, and tell Cas he was just at the park, or the beach, or at college, and Cas would tell him each time that that was a while ago.

It made him feel so sad, because Dean was getting worse.

So much worse.

He had another incident a week ago, and that day was especially slow, because Cas would have to wait to know if he fucking died or not.

It was morbid, and unfair.

There's either good news or bad news in a hospital, and no in between. 

"I have to go for a little while.." Cas said to Sam, who had come in to check on his brother. Dean was asleep, and probably would be for a while. "You deserve, Cas. You've been so good to him.. thank you." Sam said, and Cas nodded, placing a kiss onto Dean's forehead before he was leaving. 

He arrived at the apartment thirty minutes and something later.

The moment he was walking in, it was like everything was happening, right in front of his eyes, starting from when they were just putting the boxes in and there was nothing in the apartment to the glass plate shattering.

He didn't like the last memory, but he saw it, and it was there, in the past, behind him, and somehow, in front of him, too. 

He stood there, at the open door, in a daze of good and bad memories.

There were empty beer bottles, glasses of Scotch, the smell of Dean's musk and alcohol.

When he looked at the living room, he couldn't help but close his eyes and just  _remember them._

_"Do you want to go somewhere?" Cas asked from behind the camcorder._

_"I want to go everywhere." Dean looked at Cas, a smile on his face. "I want to go everywhere with you, Cas." He knew that was just a joke -- they both knew, because that was entirely unreasonable, so Cas just shook his head and chuckled. "Come on, let's go somewhere."_

_"Well where do you want to go?" Dean asked._

_"Someplace beautiful."_

_"Like where?"_

_"China."_

_"China, Cas? Really?"_

_"Or Europe." He smiled, Dean tilting his head. "Europe? Where in Europe, then?"_

_"Everywhere."_

He couldn't help but remember thinking, right then in there, that he didn't know if he was serious or not. He didn't know if they would actually leave and go to Europe and live crazy in love like people saw in the movies.

_"Well, that's a bit unreasonable, don't you think?" Dean muttered, chuckling softly to himself. "C'mon, we could leave, right here, just pack everything up and go to Europe. We could live in Paris in a little apartment and go out onto the balcony and eat croissants while we look at the Eiffel Tower on Sunday mornings after I ride you." Cas grinned, Dean looking at him like he was crazy, but so perfectly crazy, if that was even possible._

_"That sounds like something I'd see in heaven, Cas. Maybe we can go there in heaven so it's free." Cas looked at him, neither of their smiles ever moving off of their faces. "Well we gotta die to go to heaven, though." Cas complained. "I don't wanna die. I doubt that you wanna die, too, so.." Cas chuckled, Dean nodding. "Well then we've got another dilemma on our hands." "Well, really, there's always a dilemma, somewhere."_

_"So we have a dilemma.. within a dilemma..? God, Cas, stop confusing me like this!" Dean joked, breathing out another laugh. "But it's true! There's always an upside and a downside to things!" Cas smiled, Dean agreeing by nodding his head._

With his eyes still closed, he chuckled softly at the memory, and there were tears of happiness crowding in the corners of his eyes.

_"I love you, Cas." Dean stated, words slow, falling off his lips like waves, slow waves, not crashing, angry waves, but slow, easy, and gentle, like the sea on a Summers day._

_"I love you, too." Cas' smile got warmer, and he was asking again, "where do you wanna go? I'm bored," with complaint in his voice, a groan at the end._

He opened his eyes and the memory seemed to fall away like water droplets, each one soft, one a different memory.

Pictures and posters that they hung and took down in the hallway that led to the bedroom were all there as he walked, starting with the first ones, going all the way to the blank wall that was there now, until he was opening the door at the end of the hallway and finding that the bedroom was empty, expecting to see Dean there, waiting for him, on his laptop, to say " _hey, Cas,"_ and reach his hand out to him.

But he wasn't there, and he could feel another tear fall down his cheek.

He sat down on the bed,  half expecting so many things, like when he fell back and let himself relax for a moment and close his eyes to think he'd wake up and it'd be Sunday.

He half expected to find Dean running his fingers through his hair, or along his arms, or kissing the top of his head.

But he only half expected it, and what he expected didn't happen, and would never happen in this room, apartment, building, city, state, country, world, or anywhere, ever again.

When he sat up, his blue eyes fixed on something on the night stand.

_The camcorder._

He hadn't watched those videos in what must have been forever, after Naomi told him they weren't good for him, and would only make him worse.

He reached over, slowly taking it into his hands and pressing the power button.

It had almost no battery left, so he quickly found the charger and plugged it in.

Almost instantly, it was playing a video, Cas having not pressing a single button but the power button.

_He must have been watching it and it turned off.._

_"I'm gonna get you!" The camera shook with every twist and turn as Cas ran from Dean, who was laughing, Cas holding the camera. Cas hid in the closet when he knew Dean wouldn't be looking. His panting from running steadied as much as it could, but the camera still caught it._

_"Hiding from your boyfriend? Aw, come on, Cas.. where are you?" Dean said, loud enough to be caught easily by the camera, and even easier by Castiel's ears._

_Cas covered his mouth, (_ both in the video, and outside of it) _holding in the breaths that must have given away his position._

_When Dean opened the door to the closet, his grin was spreading wide across his face, and he was there, on the camera, smiling, big as can be, and he was so happy, they were both so happy. "I found you!" He exclaimed, leaning forward and pressing a kiss onto his lips, Cas capturing the whole thing, his smile, the kiss, just everything._

Oh God, and he didn't realize he was crying, and he's been crying so much lately, but his wall has been down, and Dean was dying, and he just couldn't hold it in sometimes. 

He let the camera charge for a while longer while he watched more videos, and he cried, from joy, mostly, at how happy they used to be. 

He must have sat there for an hour, just going through every one of their videos, 

The deja vu was just too much sometimes, and he would have to pause the video, and cry, just for a moment, before he'd click play again.

He wasn't forcing himself to watch the videos.

No, he wasn't.

Rather, wanting to, to the point where he  _wanted_ to cry at them and he  _wanted_ to see how happy he was, and how perfect Dean was, and how some of the videos were just stupid little things of Cas filming Dean sleeping, and he would see how green his eyes used to be, and it would make him feel  _okay._

Maybe it was only for a second.

Or a minute.

But it was there, and he felt happy, for that second, or a minute.

So when he set the camcorder down and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes,  he was debating whether or not he should pick it up and take it with him to the hospital.

He knew now, the different between the good side and the bad side of his mind.

And the good side was shouting at him to do it, to take it, to show Dean, so he did.

And he could feel the paintings fall away, the same way the stairs did the day he left, and the same way the walls of the apartment building seemed to disappear behind him, gone, forever, lost in this mad, mad world, infinitely there, lost, in his memories, in front of him,but still forever gone, and always behind him.

\---

**Probably Less**

When he got back to the hospital, he walked into Dean's room, pale green eyes shifting passed Sam, who had been saying something, and over to Cas. Sam looked back to see who it was, and Dean was waving at the air, signaling to come closer.

He held the camcorder in his hands, and everyone came into the room, just because they could, and they stood next to each other as Cas slid back into the bed with Dean.

He handed Meg the camcorder and told her to connect it up to the TV, and Dean looked at him, confused, like he had been doing so often now. 

"What are you.. doing..?" He asked, and Cas shrugged.

"Remembering us." He said softly, propping Dean up against the pillows, Dean's eyes staring at the TV that blinked on to the first video.

" _Episode One: Starring Dean Winchester as the pizza man."_ It started, and everyone laughed a little, and cried, and Dean stared, amazed, because suddenly as the videos went on, the memories came back, and for a moment, he was okay, like Cas had been when he looked at those videos, and he was crying, slow tears, falling easily off his chin.

Cas looked at Dean, who's eyes, somehow, were green again, and he was his Dean again, and he was there, beside him, and he couldn't believe that this was happening, good and bad memories clashing as the films went on, bad memories shattering inside of Cas' head like glass, good memories bandaging it up like the scars Dean kissed when they made love.

And Dean's eyes were so full of wonder, and Jess was crying in the corner, and even Bobby shed a few tears, and everyone seemed to be crying, happy or not, thinking of the future or not, but remembering, and that's all it took, really.

"Cas.. Cas.." Dean stuttered out, looking over to Cas, who said "what".

"I love you endlessly." He said, no stuttering, no faults, nothing, just love, and he sounded like Dean, Cas' old Dean, and Cas pressed a kiss onto his lips, videos still moving across the screen, sounds of their three-year younger voices crossing through the room, reaching every corner. And the group of family and friends actually clapped through their tears, because this was too amazing, and maybe Jody had been recording it on her phone.

"To remembering." Bobby said after a while, and there were nurses in the room that Missouri invited in, who were all crying now, who all saw it, and the video, and the kiss, and just everything, and so they remembered, too, and so it became a part of their lives, too, imprinted into their memories, somewhere deep down.

"To remembering." Cas said in unison with everyone else, and Dean was a little far behind, finishing off his sentence later than the others because he couldn't get it out as fast as them. 

"I think.. I'm gonna.. sleep now.." Dean breathed out, and the nurses shuffled out of the room, Cas nodding, bringing Dean back down to rest his head on the pillows, Meg going over, about to turn off the TV, because there were still hours of video. "No." Dean stated flatly. "I don't.. want to.. forget.." 

So Meg left it on.

And Dean fell asleep with Cas rubbing up and down his back, Sam and Jess staying in to watch for a moment. "Oh, God, Jess.." Sam started, soft and slow, Cas listening in, Dean already asleep. "Sam, you have to go.. let him sleep.."

"But he's -- why did this have to happen? Why?" Sam asked, taking his turn to break down, tears falling like crazy, because he had so much pent up feelings that it was just pouring out of him, and Jess was crying, too, because Sam was crying, and then Cas was, too, and everyone was just a mess. 

It was just a great big mess, like it was half of the time, now. 

"Stop.. crying.. I don't want you.. to be sad.. because of me.." Dean said, eyes still closed, but that only made it worse.

And when Sam was pushed out of the door by Jess, he found himself leaning against the door, sliding his back down it, putting his face in his hands, Jess trying to pry him out of the ball he was curled up in, but she didn't manage.

Dean wanted to scream.

_Though, doesn't everyone, sometimes?_

_When thoughts get too loud and pains become more apparent and true, everyone needs to scream at some point._

_Though, no one ever does, because if you scream, you'll sound stupid, and sounding stupid is shunned. No one wants to be shunned. So, really, no one ever screams. No one ever really wants to scream, though, at the same time, they do, and though, and the same time, they need to._

He didn't want to be like this.

He saw what he was doing to the people he cared about, and he hated it, and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it.

He saw what he was doing to Cas.

He saw what he was doing to his brother, and to his sister.

And he saw the despair, and the pain on their faces, and he would want to tell them it would be okay, and that he was going to be okay, but it wasn't, and when he'd try to get the words out, he would find himself asleep, again, or he just couldn't, and it was so, terribly frustrating.

"Never.. leave me.. again.." Dean said suddenly in the middle of the night, to Cas, who he knew would be up.

"Oh, God.. Dean.. I won't.. Never.. just go back to sleep, Dean.. go back to sleep.."

Dean clutched at Cas' shirt, digging his fingers into it, holding onto him just incase something happened over the course of the early morning hours.

Luckily, nothing did, and they went by with their daily routine, slow, like it always was.

Dean forgot things again.

Little things.

Sometimes things that made Cas want to cry.

Like when Cas had asked him why Sunday's were so special.

And he didn't know.

But he remembered the next day, but the next day, he wasn't able to form complete sentences anymore.

So Cas couldn't tell if he did remember or not.

But what he could tell was that when Dean would wake up, and find Cas looking at him, blue eyes like stars in front of him, he looked like he had just seen them for the first time, and it scared Cas, because maybe it got so bad that that's what he thought.

That he had completely forgotten him.

He didn't like to think about these things, but it was entirely probable.

They watched the films daily, and left them on all throughout the night.

Dean would say he wouldn't want to forget, again, over and over, and slowly, he would through the course of sleep. 

Sometimes, he would even look at Jess and be confused, wondering why she was in his room, and would mutter out "pretty.." to her sometimes.

And then he'd turn to Cas and breathe out "beautiful.." 

Things were still gradual.

Everything, really, is.

Like rain slowly beginning to fall to the ground.

Like a tornado slowly beginning to brew.

Like a rainbow appearing through fog, and through rain.

Like the setting sun.

All colors, beautiful colors, slowly disappearing into the night, like the memories, and like Dean's life, fading away, painfully slow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Less.**


	19. Once

**Almost None**

\---

They were having a good day today.

Dean's memory was perfectly fine, but it wasn't like they acted like he was okay. He was getting so small, and Cas had to force him to eat because sometimes, his throat would hurt so bad that he would shy away from him.

And he could get out words, and sentences, but he would have to stop himself to breathe in the middle of them.

But they were having a good day today because the nurses let Cas do something special.

"C'mon, Dean.." He said softly to Dean who was propped up against the pillows, watching the videos for the hundreth time. "Where.. are we going?" He asked as Cas and Missouri helped him into a wheelchair. "We're taking a walk in the park." He smiled softly, and Dean's gaze fixed on Cas', because the hospital they had gone to was so terribly close to that park.

That small, perfect park.

That small, perfect park where their forever started.

Where their endlessly started.

Dean had to hold his IV off to the side, and he had gotten so pale, and was so unused to the striking brightness of the sun when Cas wheeled him out of the hospital. "Cas.." He breathed out, but Cas was still just pushing him along. And after a while on the sidewalk, they were there, and Dean's eyes couldn't have been more full of wonder and joy.

"This was our first date, Dean." Cas smiled down at him, even though he knew he couldn't see him.

"I.. remember.."

"You do?"

Dean nodded, making Cas smile again, even though there may have been a few tears of joy in the corners of his eyes.

They kept walking, not saying anything, but just being together, the May air warm and welcoming that day.

"You're so.. beautiful.." Dean said after a while, and Cas' had a tear falling down his chin.

"I'm.. so lucky.. to have felt.. such a happiness.." He went on, and Cas just kept walking along the pavement, and Dean felt like he was just getting everything off his chest, everything he needed to say about Cas that he never did.

"I never knew.. what it was.. about you.. but you were there.. and you were.. perfect.."

"Oh God, Dean.."  _I don't want you to go,_ he almost said, but he didn't want to ruin what he was saying.

"You were.. so smart.."

"I still am." Cas said with a smile, making Dean laugh, and then cough, and then calm down.

"God.. I love.. you so much.." He sighed, a mixture of happiness and sadness in his voice.

Happy because he was there, next to him after all this time.

Sadness because he was there, next to him, after all this time, and he was dying.

"Endlessly, Dean Winchester.. endlessly.." Dean agreed with a nod, coughing again, just a little this time. "I came here.. after you.. left.." Dean said with another sigh, and breaths between each word, like they normally had. "Everything.. reminded me.. of you.."

"Just everything... the stars.. the beach.. Sundays.. people with.. tousled black hair.." Cas smiled again, and there was another tear falling down his cheek. "I don't think.. I could ever.. forget my.. Castiel.. Novak.. my wonderful.. Castiel.. Novak.."

He realized Cas was crying, so he moved his free hand back and put it on his forearm, stopping him from continuing his walking. "Please.. don't cry.. I want you.. to be happy.." "I am, I'm happy, I'm just crying because we're here, and we're together." Cas explained, Dean nodding, gripping tight onto Cas' arm, because he didn't want to go.

He wanted to stay.

He wanted to live, and be happy with Cas, forever, always, but that wasn't going to happen, so he gripped his arm like he was falling and he was the only thing that kept him up, in desperation of staying, in desperation of a chance that maybe, possibly, he wouldn't have to go. Maybe, possibly. But almost definitely not.

"Their ain't no me.. if their ain't no you.." Dean sighed unhappilly at his own statement, moving his hand off of Cas, allowing him to continue to push him along.

There was silence again.

Louder than ever.

This silence that ate away at their ears, digging in like bugs, creeping inside, worse than ever.

The silence that so literally had life and death weighted on it's shoulders.

\---

"Do you want to go back now?" Cas asked to Dean, who was sitting next to him, Cas down on the grass, Dean up in his wheel chair. "I want to.. stay.. forever.." Cas sighed. "Dean.."

"Please.. let's stay here.." Dean begged, and he wanted to say something else, and he was thinking so many things, but the words he wanted to say didn't quite make their way out. "C'mon. We gotta go back to the hospital, Dean."

"No, I don't want to!" He exclaimed, and Cas was looking up at him, blue eyes so wide. "Dean.. we have to.." And Dean's throat hurt from shouting all of the sudden, so when he opened his mouth, a choke came out, and nothing else.

So Cas settled for wheeling him back to the hospital.

They got back after another thirty minutes, and Dean fell asleep almost instantly after he was placed back in his bed, Cas right next to him the entire time.

\---

The next day was fine, too.

Cas had sat up across from Dean and played cards with him, Meg, Jess, and Sam.

They acted like everything was okay.

Dean knew it wasn't.

He saw, again, how bad it was making them.

How sad it was making Cas, his Cas, his perfect Cas. He didn't want them to be sad. No, no he really, really didn't. He wanted them to be happy, to move on, to forget about him, but just like he couldn't forget about Cas, there was no way Cas could forget about him. Absolutely no way.

"Do you have an eight?" Cas asked with a little grin, pulling his legs up and crossing them.

"Dam..mit." Dean sighed in defeat, handing Cas his two eights, which let Cas get his second pair of four. "I'm.. hungry.." Dean said after Cas let him win, so Cas called for Missouri, who brought in his lunch. It was applesauce, ice cream because he had been so good, and water, but the nurses insisted on him having a sip of orange juice for his breakfast and dinner. Though, it was still the same routine.

Cas would feed him his applesauce, and then his icecream.

And Dean would sip his own water out of a straw, and he would always let his shoulders drop, because it made his throat feel a little better for just one amazing moment.

"Hey, Cas. How you holdin' up?" Missouri asked one night to Cas, who was holding Dean's hand while he slept, and it must have been one in the morning.

"I'm fucking terrible.." He admitted. and Missouri was nodding.

"I've never seen a couple so moving -- all the nurses cried when they watched those videos.. I don't think I'll ever get to experience something so extraordinary in my life ever again. I just wanted to thank you for this, and being able to know you, Dean, and your story." Missouri explained, Cas' head ducked.

"Thank you.." He said after a moment, and Missouri smiled warmly. "No problem, honey." She left the room after that.

Cas laid back down and pressed Dean's head to his chest, whispering sweet nothings to him, lulling him into a deeper sleep. He always found himself thinking how crossed he was with all these emotions.

All these sad things, and then all these happy things.

In a hospital, there's good and bad, and no in between, and Cas has known that for so long now.

His love for Dean wasn't just some normal, crazy-in-love theatrical affection. No, it was more than that. It was the fact that if Dean hadn't saved him from Balthazar that first time, that he would've been raped. And that if He hadn't stopped him from cutting, or found him on the floor, bloody, that he could've died from blood loss.

And now it was Cas' turn to save Dean.

But he was failing, again, and he couldn't do it.

He felt so disappointed in himself all the time, with every waking hour, but he didn't show it. He felt so angry at himself, wishing so much that he could go back to that moment where he leaned against the door, wishing so much that he could go back to that moment and run back in and take Dean in his arms so none of this ever happened.

But the world is a mad, mad place, and so that can't happen, and Cas is left sad, wanting freedom of his angry thoughts, wanting to see a path out of this hell, and that path, he realized, wasn't even there. This time, there wasn't a paved road out of his bad place. No, there wasn't anything but bad. Maybe he'd see a glimpse of good, just for a moment, and he'd see light, and happiness, and hope, but then that moment would be gone, lost in the other endless amounts of moments.

And memories.

Good and bad.

Happy and sad.

Behind him, and in front of him, all at the same time.

\---

**None**

\---

"Mr. Singer, his blood pressure is dropping. He wasn't treated soon enough for the HIV, which is why he had AIDS so quickly. There's.. nothing we can do. We have to take him off of the IV." The doctor said, and Jody was covering her nose and her mouth with her hands, because she, and Bobby, knew excatly what this meant.

"No. No you're gonna keep him in there! You're not gonna let him die!"

"Mr. Singer, you have to calm down. We have to do this. I would.. go say your goodbyes."

Oh God, and Jody was crying as she ran down the hall to tell the rest of the group. It was a weekend, and they always came on the weekends.

The tears swelled quickly from the corners of Sam and Jo's eyes.

The other girls all gasped, and they were surprised to.

They walked down the hallway to Dean's room at the same time, only to find him laying there, next to Cas, the Cas who hadn't gotten the news yet. So the nurses from the entire floor were walking in, and Cas was confused, because they didn't come in at this time of the day unless it was Missouri.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked as one of the nurses walked over to Dean, reaching over to slip the IV out of his wrist.

"Doctor's orders, Cas.." She breathed, a tear falling down her cheek, and she's never cried when she had to pull the plug, but this was personal, now.

"No.. no, stop it! You can't do this, stop!" Cas exclaimed, but she still did it, and took the IV outside, and Dean was waking at Cas' crying and screaming. "You can't.. you can't do this.." he said weakly, but Dean was taking his hand and smiling softly.

"Don't cry.. it's okay.. to let go.." He choked, and Cas was shaking his head, babbling out how it wasn't, and how he couldn't do it, how he just couldn't.

But Dean cupped his face in his hands and stopped him from continuing, shaking his head.

"I'm gonna be okay, Cas.. everything's gonna be alright.. just fine.." He sighed, and the tears were coming quick again, and Cas was still shaking his head, and Dean couldn't stop him from crying, this time.

The family watched from the doorway, after having said goodbye, everyone crying now, completely unashamed.

The girls didn't even wear mascara anymore.

There was no use.

\---

"I'm sorry.. for how things.. ended.. between us.." Dean breathed out in the middle of that same day, while Cas was so fragile.

"Don't apologize, Dean.. don't apologize.."

"I don't.. I can't.. I.." He started, and he realized he was crying, because he didn't want to go.

"I don't want to go.." He said, breaths shaky, everything seeming to fall around him, just everything.

The world seemed so fragile and vulnerable sometimes, definitely now.

Because not only did the people so centered around Dean get hurt mentally, but people he didn't know before -- the nurses, the Doctor, people the nurses told, and the tears that swelled in their eyes.

It was like something big, bigger than anything Dean ever thought his death would be like, but all the same, he felt so small, and so confined, except when he was in Cas' arms.

But he was still crying.

Because he couldn't help it.

He just couldn't.

\---

Dean died on a Sunday.

It was raining.

Early morning.

Wind howling against the window.

The time leading up to it seemed to go so slow, inevitably going in the motion of forever and unstoppable.

Cas had lied with him the entire time, and he let Dean's head rest on his chest, pushing the hair off of his forehead and then running his fingers gently through his hair.

Dean was clutching onto Cas' shirt, and he had just woken up, but he knew it was happening. He just  _knew._

 _"_ I'll wait..for you.." He breathed out against Cas' shirt, and Cas was shaking his head.

"No, don't wait for me, don't say that. You waited for me before, and I don't want you to do it again. It's okay to let go, Dean, it's okay, everything's going to be alright, just fine, just great.." Cas sighed, and Dean was sucking in a breath, eyes half-closed, rain pounding against the window like thousands of tiny pebbles.

He searched for something in his brain to hold onto at that moment, something to use as his anchor, something to keep him going.

"Oh God, you're extraordinary, Dean, you are just perfect. You are extraordinary." He said, unable to contain himself.

And the videos played on the TV, and the sun was setting, like Dean had captured, and Cas didn't know what to do, because Dean was dying in his arms, and he just sat there, stroking his hair, crying, alone in the room, the rattling sound of Dean's breathing taunting him.

And then the video of Dean singing to him was flipping onto the screen, and he stared at it for a moment before realized what it was.

 _"Oh Castiel,"_  
_"I really love you,"_  
_"Please never leave me, my_  Castiel,"  
"You _know how much I love you,"_  
_"How much I need you,"_  
_"Please don't leave my side, any day,"_

The heartbeat monitor got louder with each second, and Dean's breathing was breaking, hitching in his throat, seeming to be with every crash of rain against the windows.

" _Oh Dean Winchester.."_ He started off the top of his head, to the same tune that Dean was singing softly in the video.

" _My only Dean Winchester.."_ He cried, voice cracking, and he felt like the window might, too, if the rain kept going like it was.

 _"Let me say, once more, how much I love you.."_ He didn't know what he was doing, but he was singing, and Dean's fingers seemed to dig right through his shirt.

" _I tell you goodbye now.."_ He choked, and there was a horrid sound as Dean sucked in for air, and Cas didn't know if he could do it or not, if he could continue without completely breaking down.

" _I won't ever forget you, you know I won't.."_ He tried to push the sound of the monitor out of his head, but it was so loud, and he had to sing over it's screaming so Dean could hear him, and the rain just kept pouring, falling, terribly hard.

" _I lay here now, next to you, where I should be.."_ He hiccuped, and Dean's eyes fell shut, but the monitor was still beeping, and the rain was still pouring, and he was still alive, still okay, still full of life. He took Dean's hand into his own, and it was cold, clammy, unlike before.

" _While you leave.. my side.. on this day.."_ And then he was crying so hard, and he thought the flatline on the monitor was something he was dreaming, and that all of this, everything, was a nightmare, again, and that he'd wake up back on that couch, and he would be fine, and Dean would be stroking through his hair, but he wasn't, and he was screaming, and the nurses were rushing in, pulling Cas out of the bed, even while he fell to his knees.

_You are so perfect and so beautiful that I can't even put it into words, Castiel Novak_

"No.. no, I love him, stop, I can't leave him, stop it, please, this isn't happening, he's mine, he's my Dean, oh, oh God, stop, get away from him, this isn't happening, oh God..!" He screamed, but Meg was pulling him out of the room, and Dean disappeared around the nurses that crowded between him and the door.

_I_ _'m gonna marry you someday, I bet. And we can live with white picket fences and a nice house_

And the video still played on, and the sun was finally setting, and the colors that danced on the sea weren't as magnificent any more, and weren't so full of life, and the sun set, like Dean did, crossing onto some other unknown side, disappearing into the ocean, like Cas' screams as they faded down the hallway, and his cries, and he couldn't bear what he was feeling anymore.

_And it'll be great, Cas_

It was all so terribly sudden.

And it was all so terrible.

Just horrid.

How things worked on this world.

_It'll be just great_

Where was God now? Cas would think to himself, over and over. It was like the raindrops, now, how everything worked.

Suddenly it was fine, just great.

Slowly getting worse, and worse, until it's just pouring, coming down on you like thousands of hundred-pound weights, and you can't do anything about it.

So he'd ask himself, again, while he cried, while he watched the videos, where God was, and why this had to happen to him, and why their happiness was taken away so suddenly. Why, was the question always on his mind.

_I promise, Cas_

Forever.

Always, and endlessly.

Just imprinted.

Why?

No one knows.

And as the bar blinks on this screen, and as the letters are getting written, the characters in this story are crying, and the people in this world that this author has created are so broken, and fragile, like one tap could tear them to bits.

And as the bar continues to blink, the ideas of what to do next are pouring in, but we realize, now, that these aren't ideas anymore, but are things we come to know about the character.

And what we think they will do next.

And I know.

I know what happens next.

_I_ _promise._

\---

Castiel wondered why funerals had to be so dark and so gloomy.

He made sure it wasn't on a Sunday, but it was still raining. And he was sitting next to Jess, and Sam, and everyone in the family who sat at the very front with him as the priest spoke about how he died peacefully, which Cas had shook his head at, because he knew how much he was hurting.

He didn't want to go to the funeral.

But Sam had asked him what Dean would think if he didn't, so he went.

The tears came quick, again.

But he was called up to say something about him, while he was crying, so he composed himself, and then stood.

He didn't have anything prewritten.

He just had his own head, and the memories of Dean, so he started.

"I don't have anything prepared for this.. everything was just so sudden.. honestly, I didn't want to come here, but I knew -- I knew what Dean would have said." He paused for a moment, adjusting the microphone a bit.

"Dean was always so amazing. He made me smile, and everyone around him, too. I would say that I can't think of a moment when I didn't love him, but that's not true; when we first met, we absolutely despised each other. We were college roommates at Stanford, forced to live in a dorm together, and Dean would always stay up late, watching TV, annoying me and whatnot. But I got -- I got really bad. I hurt myself because my brother passed away and I almost died. He found me, though, all bloody, and took me to the hospital."

"He kept saving me, too, again, over and over, and he was, very literally, my hero. And I learned to love him, and he learned to love me, and we were so happy.." He choked, tearing up again. "We were so happy.. he told me he'd marry me someday, when he thought I was sleeping, but I heard him, and I was awake, and I remember holding back a smile. I remember everything about him, and sometimes, it hurts so bad to think about him, and what -- what I did to him."

"I remember every freckle he had, and how green his eyes used to be, and how much he made me laugh. I would record him with some camcorder I found in one of the boxes that we never unpacked in the apartment. I watched those videos so many times, and he did, too.. he would request to leave them on in the hospital room when he slept, because he didn't want to forget. He waited for me for so long, and I hate it, I hate myself for doing that to him, but he waited, so patiently, and I can't help but feel so sad, and so sorry for what I did to Dean.. my Dean."

"And.. and I know you're going to blame me, or tell me it was my fault, but Dean said it wasn't, so I try my best to think about that, and to think about Dean, before he was sick."

"I remember the night it happened. Anna, she was on the phone with Jo, crying.. I remember her telling me, and I had to take a moment to realize what she had just said, before I was falling to my knees. And I asked so many times, before and after his passing, why? Just why.. Because it's not fair how this mad, mad, world work sometimes, especially now, especially while we're all so fragile, and so alone, in a metaphorical sense."

"Dean always told me -- when he was in his hospital bed -- not to cry, and to be happy, because he wanted me to be happy. He was always so good to me.." He felt himself cry again, and he had to look down at his feet for a moment to compose himself again.

"He was just so good to me, and he didn't deserve it. He just didn't, and that's why this world was and is so unfair, because he didn't deserve it, and he was so good to everyone around him. He wouldn't want me crying.. I don't think so, no, but I am, now, again, for what must be the thousandth time."

He looked up, and he was there, for a moment, and no one else was in the room, but it was him, he swore it, it was him, standing there in front of him, cupping his cheeks like he did when he would cry, and like he did the day they took his IV out.

But he blinked, and he was gone, and he was continuing.

"We played the videos almost nonstop. And.. Dean said he didn't want to forget me. Wherever he is now, I know he didn't, because I loved him so much, and he loved me, too, and I know he would never forget me, and I would never forget him. So... like we all once said," he was coming to an end, and his breaths were shaky, but it was happening, and this was happening, and it happened, and time was so slow, like it always was, and like it always will be.

"To remembering." He said, and he was stumbling off of the stand, Sam catching him before he fell to his knees from crying so hard.

"Oh God, I miss him.. I miss him, why did this have to happen?" He said to Sam, who was shaking his head and holding him by his shoulders.

"Cas, I miss him, too, but you have to calm down, you're gonna hyperventilate again, calm down. What would Dean say?" Sam said, and that only made it worse.

Because Dean wasn't there, and he wasn't going to say anything because he was gone, and he wasn't coming back. So he wouldn't be saying anything, or doing anything, because he was lying dead in a casket, and that's all Castiel could think about at that moment.

That terrible moment.

\---

He was left alone at the hotel he was staying at with Anna and Meg, and he didn't know what he was doing, but he was doing it, and somehow, he felt relieved.

He was stepping off onto the ledge and he began to think.

_Promise me_

He was thinking about how he must have been in that exact room, at that exact college, in that exact moment to meet this incredible Dean Winchester.

The incredible Dean Winchester who was his.

Used to be his.

No longer his.

_Promise me you'll be like the sun_

And Dean Winchester, he began to think, was broken, too. He wasn't as perfect as the naked eye could see; he was just as broken as everyone else.

And as he stepped off onto that ledge, he thought that some might say that it was fate.

Or destiny.

Or how things are just supposed to happen.

Maybe it was God.

Maybe it was all these things that people say to conclude such a large, unexplained question, because they know no other ways to end it.

But that was just what the religious thought.

Or the therapists.

Or any other average human being.

_That you'll come back to me even when you go away_

But Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak were not average, nor was their relationship, and nor was their love.

And as he began to fall, he somehow, some way, felt so free, felt so wonderful.

And he could feel tears swelling in his eyes from not only the wind, but the emotions, and when he opened them to see how close the ground was, he didn't see the ground.

No, it wasn't the ground.

It was Dean, and he was cradling him, and he was falling with him, for him, and Cas could tell he was shouting something over the wind, probably "I love you's" and he hoped not "goodbyes" because the wind caught the words before Cas could hear them, and he wanted to hear Dean again, but he wasn't truly there.

But he took the moment to think, just to think that Dean was there with him, and he wrapped his arms around Dean's fake body, because that was all he could do, all he wanted.

And all of these things were happening in what must have been a matter of seconds, but it felt like minutes, hours maybe; Cas couldn't tell.

_Promise me that you'll come back_

But he could tell he was crying, and he could tell he did not want to be falling, because he was afraid of falling, but he had found himself falling for Dean Winchester, with Dean Winchester, for the second time in his life.

So, quite possibly, it wasn't fate or destiny or God or any of these strange, odd, assumptions, but it was truly, one great coincidence. But not only that, it was

the  
great  
coincidence.

And in that moment, Castiel Novak found, as he fell, that he couldn't be any more crossed with his emotions, because he wanted to be happy.

_Come back to me_

He wanted to be happy because he had met Dean, and he had been Dean's for so long, and he had loved Dean for what must have been forever.

But he was sad because he was gone, and his love for him seemed to flow through the wind like he fell, soon to be gone, soon to be lost, in the ground, in his blood, wherever true love settles.

_Come back to-_

But it would probably always be there.

Somewhere.

Like wind does.

_Come back-_

Somewhere, the great coincidence would remain.

Somewhere, it was their great coincidence.

Their's always.

_Come-_

Their's forever.

Their's endlessly.

\---

_"I promise, Dean Winchester, I will never leave you. I promise. I don't want to. I don't think I could imagine a world without you, now. It would just be so blank. I hope there isn't such thing as a world without Dean Winchester. That would just be terrible. I will never leave you, and I hope you never leave me, too, because you're mine, and I'm your's, and we're each other's."_


	20. The End

With thoughts of him, that's where he landed.

With thoughts of their forever, that's where he fell.

With thoughts of Heaven, that's where he became.

\---

It was like in all those movies, where Heaven is behind a grand door, or gate, and this amazing white light shows, and you can't see anything behind it, and you're left wondering, staring at the light, going towards it, walking slow, breathing fast, stars exploding, galaxies dying, hearts breaking.

It's like being a shooting star in a galaxy of breaking hearts.

The first thing he saw was a TV, and he was remembering, because that's what they were supposed to do -- make him remember. Or, at least, never let him forget.

He drifted through, onto a couch, the couch, sitting there, suddenly, and it was the apartment, he realized, but it was empty, and dark, dim, unlike he thought Heaven should be.

This wasn't something Heaven should have.

Maybe it was one of his better days, but he didn't know if he ever even  _had_ any better days, so that was out of the question.

He blinked, and he was some place else.

This must have been his good place, because these were good memories, amazing memories, and they were there, in front of him, and behind him, all at once, and at the same time, never.

He was in a bed now, just sitting there, and he could see it, because it was him, and he was there, and that was  _them._

But he was blinking again, and he was gone, someplace else, in a different place, in a different memory, in a different forever.

There was green, lots of green, and light blues, and whites, and greys, grass and trees.

He couldn't tell who it was beside him, but he knew, though, in the back of his mind, who it was.

And as he, they, walked, he was blinking again, and the scene changed.

Something sunk and crunched under his feet, and it was a little wet, damp, maybe.

He could see deep blues, pinks, purples, yellows, oranges, and it was a sunset, and maybe it was the sunset, or the other sunset, he didn't know. So he stared, again, and it was there, all for one moment, just one, but that one moment lasted for what must have been an hour, before he blinked, and he was back.

And the essence of empty was gone, this time, but it was still dark, and dim, and gloomy.

Until he saw it.

His light.

His reason for being.

His endlessly.

He looked up from his laptop.

He reached his hand out to him, a warm smile spreading across his lips.

His green eyes got wide, and even though he knew that he was dead, and they both knew that they were dead, they still, both knew, this was heaven, and they shared it, and this is what he had expected.

Because he was reaching his hand out and looking up from his laptop, sitting on the bed, like he had expected, and he was smiling, and he was there, and they were there, together, perfectly fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" _Hey, Cas.."_


End file.
